Model of Higher Thinking
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Posted:Jan 17, 2008 10:38 am
Last Updated:Jan 18, 2008 8:02 am 3553 Views
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I was told recently there is a new reality programme in the US called America's Next Smartest Model or something to that extent.
Pause ...
I understand that with the writers' strike, material is sparse & harder to find than Lindsay Lohan's sobriety. But really, how can you have a show with no contestants?
Anyway, this conversation triggered the memory of the mobilely adept supermodel, Naomi Campbell being elevated to the exalted position of contributing editor in that intellectual tome, British GQ. To be fair, I have read our GQ on a few occasions and realised that it's readers could at least maintain a straight face when they said they read it for the articles, unlike their Hustler & Penthouse counterparts ... or even FHM.
I have never had the pleasure of meeting Ms Campbell since I tend to steer clear of mobile phones but I was willing to keep an open mind and a jaundiced eye. Until I read this ...
LONDON (AFP) - British supermodel Naomi Campbell has interviewed Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez, describing him as a "rebel angel" who is unafraid to speak his mind but poses no threat to democracy.
Campbell was granted an audience with the outspoken left-wing leader as part of her new brief as contributing editor for British men's lifestyle magazine GQ, interviewing leading figures from politics, sport and entertainment.
She wrote in the article, out Thursday but extracts of which were released in advance, that she was aware her choice of subject would be controversial, but insisted she did not go to Venezuela for political reasons.
"I'd always heard Hugo Chavez was a people's president and I wanted to see if that was true... I didn't want to judge Chavez, or probe him for his political views, even though he gave them freely," she wrote.
"I simply went to interview Hugo Chavez the man," she added. The catwalk star also said she wanted to get him to donate to the Nelson Mandela Foundation, which she represents, and see some of his social programmes.
Campbell said the Venezuelan leader - who in November was told to "shut up" by Spain's King Juan Carlos I - was forthright and "fearless, but not threatening or unreasonable".
Venezuelans also seemed happier than her last visit 10 years ago for a Sports Illustrated magazine photoshoot, she added.
"I hope Venezuela's relations with America will improve in the immediate future. Whatever the future holds, for me his role will always be that of a rebel angel," she said.
During her time in Venezuela, she was treated to Chavez's familiar rhetoric against the United States and in particular President George W. Bush.
Chavez -- who once described Bush as "the devil" during a United Nations General Assembly address -- said the US president was "completely crazy" and Condoleezza Rice was "secretary of state of a genocidal government".
Asked if he thought Bush wanted to kill him, he replied: "I think he does. Him and his companions."
Elsewhere, Chavez found time to defend Venezuela's human rights record and vaunt his country's oil reserves, but also gave his views on less weighty matters like fashion, pop music and the British royal family.
Cuba's Fidel Castro was the world's most stylish leader, he said ("His uniform is impeccable. His boots are polished. His beard is elegant"), he was aware of the newly-reformed Spice Girls and admired Britain's Prince Charles.
He also refused to rule out following Russian President Vladimir Putin's example and posing for topless photographs. "Why not? Touch my muscles," he reportedly told the supermodel. - AFP
I am sure Ms Campbell was touched by an angel there.
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My Daily Prayer - Thank God for Scientologists
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Posted:Jan 16, 2008 3:43 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2008 10:08 am 3548 Views
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As I lay me down to rest ... oh, wait, wrong prayer ...
Dear Lord, I swear I meant to let my Cruise Commentaries rest once and for all but I don't know, I just don't know.
Our Father who art in Heaven
Hubbard be thy name
Thy KSW come, thy Tom be done
On Earth as it is in Heaven
Give us this day our daily LRH
Forgive us our out-ethics, as we forgive those who spectate against us
Do not bring us to the PTS
But deliver us from SPs
For thine is the Scientology, the power, and the glory for ever and ever
Amen
On that note ...
I have decided I love Scientologists. Thank you, thank you for the sheer joy of your existence!! You light up my life, you give me dope to carry on ...
I found the video & a brilliant newscast from those wonderful peeps in Australia who have exhibited wonderful powers of editing to make an already funny video downright evil.
As I speed by the accident .. I slow down only to take down the licence plate number so I can buy the lottery with the number. Because I have to rush to the hot stand because I am not in the playing pitch and the arena is crowded. I will also endeavour to spectate without letting him (the Cruiser) see my eyes as the poor man cannot even go on vacation. Bless.
Yes, Mr Cruise, you do need help.
Go to The Gawker website to view the video. Hopefully it stays on for longer than Britney Spear's marriages. File name is 5002269/the-cruise-indoctrination-video-scientology-tried-to-suppress
and
over at crazydaysandnights with a net and not a com, the html file 2008/01/tom-cruise-video-just-in-case is so masterfully edited that it totally slayed me.
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Tales From the Cafe
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Posted:Jan 16, 2008 1:47 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2008 12:05 am 3378 Views
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While we idly puffed on our shishas, continuing our lively discussion about the vagaries of language and aging, we started lamenting the deterioration of our physical attributes with the unrelenting march of time.
Our Yemeni ex-chef moaned how he used to fidget terribly if made to sit still for more than 10 minutes. In his 20s, his then-slim posterior would be fairly bouncing off his seat. Oh, the hey days of youth. And now, he grimaced, he could barely heave himself out of his chair even to make a visit to the loo. We tactfully avoided mention it was because we had seen his corpulence stuck to the armrest of his chair on a few occasions and had to be drafted into extracting him from said chair.
Another extolled how he used to sport long, glossy locks when being a hippy did not mean the size of your girth. And now he was contemplating a back-comb.
Being one of the youngest at the table, I felt compelled to contribute. So I dredged up a true story of my grand-aunt Emily. Who used to fall asleep quietly in her chair such that we would sometimes forget that she was there. Until she reminded us ... as when the local priest paid a visit to our home for coffee after dinner.
The telly was on and as usual we had the news on as a gentle, soothing babble of quiet conversation ensued. As the newscaster started a spiel about Arafat, aunt-Emily awoke just in time to hear his name.
"What? What? Whose private part?!!"
Fortunately, the local priest had a sense of humour but the entire family was so embarrassed and guilty over this faux pas that we dutifully attended church en mass for a month.
Bless.
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I Swear ... No, Really ...
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Posted:Jan 16, 2008 12:52 pm
Last Updated:Feb 10, 2008 4:21 pm 4265 Views
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A table of us smoked our shishas, drank our coffees, ate our roast lamb legs and tried to solve the troubles of the world tonight. Failing that, we decided to swear up a storm.
Actually, to my great contrition (yeah, right) I started the cuss ball rolling when I revealed I had learnt a new swear word yesterday & tried it out on one of the Nepalese waiters.
"Hey, Mandeep, come closer ... I learnt a new word in Nepalese today."
"Yah , what is it, mam?"
"It's a bad word. Chiknay (I think that's how it's spelt)."
"Mam, not so bad, yah. Not so bad word. Can mean handshome, mam."
"Handshome ... I mean, handsome? Really?! I've been cheated! I thought it meant fecker! Darn!"
"Er, mebbe, mam ..." stuttered the poor, young Nepalese giant.
"OK, so if I add the word maa to chiknay, it would be maachiknay ... which would mean ..."
"Ahhh, mam!" A deep, rosy blush bloomed prettily over his face as he genteelly claps his hand to his boy in silent shock.
"Heh."
For you lot unfamiliar with the lingo, maa means mother.
When I disclosed my conversation to my tablemates, which was made up of two Egyptians, one Malay-Arab and one Sikh (yes, all males except me .. at least the last time I looked in the mirror in the bathroom), we chortled as we pondered the colourful words that paints our world.
We decided that while the English language can convey insults and swears of a fairly crude & virulent manner, Hindi & Punjabi swear words are superbly descriptive and colourful.
Take for instance, calling someone a pondekh (I know my spelling leaves much to be desired but it's a verbal learning for me with no spelling assistance, alright?) is equivalent to calling him an arse orifice. Just wrapping it around your tongue ... the word, not said body part ... has such a tactile vibration that it fairly, er ... rolls off your tongue.
When you want to be a statistic of racial disharmony, you can call an Indian Muslim tulken and wait for the machete to divest you of your new word knowledge. I suppose if it was a MTV video where they can the word much like "nigger", perhaps then it may be acceptable. But I seriously doubt it.
The ultimate would be to call someone a blenchod whereupon I would say it was nice meeting you and I hope you had a good life. The translation is too rude to even type out. Yes, you ask, what can be ruder than calling someone maachiknay? I leave that to your imagination.
I'd forgotten that I'd heard this insult before but was reminded when I read someone's blog. I realise now that must be a fairly common insult but it still slays me ... There was classic incident where I heard a bunch of old biddies casting slurs on the local bicycle in India. Said local 711 (always close but never closed) was described as "so black even the broom can sweep her away." How amazing is that insult? So visual! So graphic! So venomous! So Indian!
Please note that I am not casting racial slurs or making political statements but am just expressing my supreme appreciation of a superior form of expression. Bless.
When kidded that I should learn words of more acceptable social standing based on the positive, I took the challenge. As did my tablemates. We sat there in flummoxed silence for a full 15 minutes before we wisely decided to change the subject. After all, why mess with a good thing?
Please direct all hate mail & flames to all the blenchods who taught me all these words.
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'Fess Up
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Posted:Jan 15, 2008 8:22 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2008 10:09 am 3785 Views
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During a car ride back, a few of us were contemplated the inanity of certain lines of questioning.
A friend works for an organisation that sends her to regular medical check-ups to determine her work-readiness because of an existing condition. This is all well and good since it is free for her. However, if she has any illness which can be linked to her existing condition, she is supposed to voluntarily send in a report to clarify this. Whereupon her pay would be deducted and she has to bear the medical expenses for that visit.
Now, the question we pondered was ... how many people would actually 'fess up?
"Yo, boss, like ... this medical visit was actually due to my pre-existing medical problem ... so like, you know, I guess I have to, like, pay for the bills myself & get my pay deducted, huh?"
I remember the first time I had to get a visa for a visit to the US yonks ago before they revised the boundaries of what is considered civilisation. There was a section that asked -
Have you ever been, are currently still or intend to be a member of a terrorist organisation?
I can just see hordes of individual rushing their ballpoint pens across the lily-white paper to answer,
Yes Sir, I am, have been & totally intend to be a card-carrying member of a terrorist organisation, so help me God.
Then there was of course the wonderfully PC section that asked blandly ...
_______ Complexion
which is obviously a gentle encouragement for peeps to write in brightly that they are white, brown, black, yellow, putrid green, dirty chartreuse etc.
Being the gentle, submissive girlie that I am, I of course filled in ...
Fair today, thank you for asking, but occasionally spotty depending on the time of the month
Now, this is not America-bashing as i have seen equivalent & worse all over the world.
So, 'fess up. Who's a rainbow-coloured terrorist among you with a pre-exisitng medical condition?
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Cruise Control
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Posted:Jan 15, 2008 1:08 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2008 10:12 am 3792 Views
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Apparently some nutters (oh sorry, that would be the International Association of Scientologists ... my bad) decided Tom Cruise deserved a Freedom Medal of Valor award which he dutifully exhibited with his 9-minute acceptance speech. His freedom and valour, that is. Not the medal. Although I have no real proof that he did not since he was so wont to share on that occasion.
I rather think Mr Cruise deserves this award. It does take some valour to come up with such complete & utter bollocks and freely announce it to the world, and thus put the ethics onto all of us SPs.
The Holy Grail-like video of this speech keeps appearing & disappearing off Youtube because his orgs have been like hamsters on the wheels making sure no one sees it. So if you do find it, watch it quick before it is pulled off faster than Paris Hilton's knickers. But here, brought to you by the brave and intrepid bored person that I am, unfurls the transcript, courtesy of USWeekly.
But before we read Mr Cruise's words of unleashed valour, I shall give you a primer on Scientology as divulged on Towlerload.
A former Scientologist commenter at RADAR has offered some of the definitions for Cruise's Scientology-speak:
KSW (short for Keeping Scientology Working): A policy written by Hubbard in the 1960's that requires all Scientologists to follow his words and his rules exactly.
Orgs: Orgs is an abbreviation for "organizations" and describes all churches of Scientology throughout the world.
David Miscavige: He is the current leader of Scientology. He's the equivalent of the Pope to the Catholics.
Out-ethics: any behavior that violates any of Hubbard's rules of conduct.
Put ethics in on someone else: make others conform to Hubbard's rules of behavior.
Criminon: Scientology front group that tries to recruit through the prisons.
SP: Suppressive Person. Anyone that doesn't like Scientology and/or criticizes Scientology.
PTS/SP: another bogus Hubbard term to define behavior that goes against Scientology rules.
LRH technology or "tech": all the Scientology policies, rules, mandates, procedures. Basically everything Hubbard wrote that controls the behavior of Scientologists. Kind of makes those Andrew Morton claims a lot more believable, eh?
And now for the main event ... applause for his Freely & Valorous Mr Tom Cruise please.
Attributed to USWeekly -Tom Cruise: ...I think it’s a privilege to call yourself a Scientologist, and it’s something that you have to earn because a Scientologist does... has the ability to create new and better realities and improve conditions. Being a Scientologist, you look at someone and know absolutely that you can help them.
"When you're a Scientologist, and you drive by an accident, you know you have to do something about it, because you know you're the only one who can really help. We are the authorities on getting people off drugs. We are the authorities on the mind.... We are the way to happiness. We can bring peace and unite cultures. Now is the time. Being a Scientologist. People are turning to you. If you are a Scientologist, you see things the way they are, in all their glory, in all their complexity... It's rough and tumble. It's wild and woolly. It's a blast. It really is. It is fun. Because damn it, there is nothing better than going out there and fighting the fight, and suddenly you see -- boom! -- things are better. I want to know that I've done everything I can do, every day... I do what I can. And I do it the way I do everything."
"But that’s what drives me... I know that we have an opportunity to really help... effectively change people’s lives and I am dedicated to that. I am absolutely, uncompromisingly dedicated to that.
"We have a responsibility.
"We are the authorities on getting people off drugs, we are the authorities on the mind, we are the authorities on improving conditions... we can rehabilitate criminals.
"...We can bring peace and unite cultures...
"Traveling the world and meeting the people that I’ve met, talking with these leaders in various fields, they want help and they are depending on people who know and who can be effective and do it and that’s us. That is our responsibility to do that.
"It is the time now. Now is the time... Being a Scientologist, people are turning to you, so you better know it, you better know it and if you don’t, go and learn it, but don’t pretend you know it. It’s like we’re here to help.
"If you’re a Scientologist, you see life, you see things the way they are, in all its glory, all of its complexity and the more you know as a Scientologist, you don’t become overwhelmed by it.
"Look, I wish the world was a different place. I’d like to go on vacation and go and romp and play and just do that, you know what I mean. That’s what I want it to be. There’s times I’d like to do that, but I can’t because I know I have to do something about it.
"I have to do it because I can’t live with myself if I don’t, and that really is it.
"So it’s our responsibility to educate, create the new reality. We have that responsibility to say, 'Hey, this is the way it should be done because we do it this way and people are actually getting better.'
"And let’s get it done. Let’s really get it done and have enough love and compassion and toughness that you’re really going to do it and do it right.
"I have to tell you something ‒ it is rough and tumble, and it’s wild and wooly, and it’s a blast, it’s a blast, it really is fun because, dammit, there is nothing better than the going out there and fighting the fight and suddenly you see things are better.
"I want to know that I’ve done everything I could everyday, and I think about those people out there who are depending on us. I think about that and it does make me feel that we’ve got more work. I need more help, get those spectators either in the playing field or out of the arena. Really, that’s how I feel about it.
"I do what I can, and I do it the way I do everything. [laughs] There’s nothing part-of-the way for me."
As I wipe the tears from the cocked-up, sorry ... cockles of my heart, I have a couple of questions for Mr Cruise.
1. Were Jesus Christ, Buddha & Prophet Muhammad Scientologists?
2. When the criminions divest all those drugs from the presumably rehabilitated criminals, do they give these to you?
3. Lastly (OK, so I lied & cannot count), do I have to put the ethics on you before you share these drugs?
4. Oh, bugger it, one more ... are criminons related to Klingons & do they sport those nifty ridges on their heads? Is that why your mate John Travolta made his classic movie?
Signed,
SP Who is Willing To Convert If Mr Cruise Shares Abovementioned drugs
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One Of These Things Is Not Like Us Others
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Posted:Jan 15, 2008 12:41 pm
Last Updated:Jan 17, 2008 10:49 am 3338 Views
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Found this totally hilarious article from the wonderfully sarky ladies over at Go Fug Yourself and it cracked me up so severely I had to start a blog just to comment about it.
At the People's Choice Awards, which I admit I did not watch, apparently all the acceptance speeches were pre-taped because of the writers' strike (no one actually attended except the host, Queen Latifah, who was probably terribly embarrassed she'd gotten stuck in this situation and got an eleventh-hour call from her lawyers that they couldn't find her an exit loophole).
Joaquin Phoenix decided not to employ actual speech in his speech, preferring to hold up a series of cue cards to express his "gratitude" for having been chosen by the people. This was his first mistake.
No, his first mistake was living so rough for the past however-long that he looks a bit like an accountant right after tax season: bloated, tired, and as if he's being scraped off the fender of a giant bus that's recently mowed him down.
Anyway, Joaquin's gesture was evidently his way of supporting the strike -- I'm not sure how, though, since somebody did actually WRITE the words onto a piece of paper. He does know it's not a speaker's strike, right?
Here's what I didn't know:
See embedded photo
[Photo: Splash News]
Apparently, proofreaders are on strike as well. Or maybe now that text messaging is a series of largely illiterate abbreviations, the letter U is sick and tired of working so hard AND bringing all those Sesame Street episodes to you, and has walked off the job until it gets a pay raise, a massage, and at least two solo numbers in its next show.
Classic. All we need to do is turn him sideways, float the words "D", "U", "H" from his mute lips in the old Electric Company style and we have a new show. I guess one letter short of a name is the new one slice short of a loaf.
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