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 | Not for Hindus ... just kidding. Random thoughts, comments on anything that takes my fancy. Strictly a my opinion only & if you do not like, don't read, agree to disagree & go away happy. No flames, (flamers OK), request for photo/green card/webcam action etc please. |
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| Do you Have What It Takes? |
Jan 19, 2008 3:58 pm
Mood: In Hysterics, 471 Views |  | I'm sorry. I thought I would be over my Scientology commentaries by now but this was such a funny article from the totally hilarious Amrita that I just had to share it. She slays me every time.
I really thought I was done with the whole Tom Cruise-Scientology thing but what do I know? I hadn’t yet seen the “Sec Whole Track” - the Scientology questionnaire. According to Radar, these are the questions asked at “audits”. There are 343 of them, but Radar brings us the choicest. So I obviously had to answer them.
• Have you ever enslaved a population?
No, but there was this gorgeous population of swimmers at my local gym once that I really desperately wanted to.
• Have you ever debased a nation’s currency?
I know what you’re trying to ask and no, I don’t snort coke.
• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
No, I have only ever killed the right person.
• Have you ever torn out someone’s tongue?
Okay, I don’t know what you’ve heard but I’m an excellent kisser. I mean, excellent. Phenomenal. Understand?
• Have you ever been a professional critic?
Only according to my family.
• Have you ever wiped out a family?
Yes. There was once an extended family of lizards that met their tragic end on my direct orders. Yes, I have flunkies. I’m a superior wipe out-er.
• Have you ever tried to give sanity a bad name?
All the time.
• Have you ever consistently practiced sex in some unnatural fashion?
“Unnatural” fashion? No, but I’d be interested to listen to you explain what “unnatural” means.
• Have you ever made a planet, or nation, radioactive?
Hasn’t everybody?
• Have you ever made love to a dead body?
He may be my ex, but that’s still not a nice way to talk about him.
• Have you ever engaged in piracy?
Yo-ho-ho! Yarr! I harve!
• Have you ever been a pimp?
No, but I’ve had a pimple.
• Have you ever eaten a human body?
No, but I’ve eaten chicken and I hear that’s practically the same thing!
• Have you ever disfigured a beautiful thing?
Okay, last year I got this awful haircut that completely disfigured my beautiful hair and it was completely traumatic because some trainee did the highlights and they looked awful too. It was really sad.
• Have you ever exterminated a species?
Omigod, you guys, it’s, like, my favorite activity, like, EVER.
• Have you ever been a professional executioner?
Um, I was an editor at a magazine once.
• Have you given robots a bad name?
Well, I really try to be nice, you know? But there was this one robot that was such an asshole!
• Have you ever set a booby trap?
No, my boobies have never run wild. Besides, I’m not into S&M.
• Have you ever failed to rescue your leader?
You’ve been talking to my Journalism professor haven’t you? Well, let me tell you - oh, that’s not the leader you meant? That’s a “lead”? Oh. My bad.
• Have you driven anyone insane?
Only my father.
• Have you ever killed the wrong person?
No, I’m quite thorough.
• Is anybody looking for you?
My parents. Every other second of every day. Aargh!
• Have you ever set a poor example?
Why would a poor person take my example?
• Did you come to Earth for evil purposes?
Muahahahaha!
• Are you in hiding?
Yes, that’s why I got a blog.
• Have you systematically set up mysteries?
You obviously haven’t read my About page.
• Have you ever made a practice of confusing people?
*head wobble* (In case you wondered, she's Indian ..  )
• Have you ever philosophized when you should have acted instead?
You mean like, “House work is the tyranny of order over the free spirit of universal chaos”?
• Have you ever gone crazy?
Only when my mother starts nagging.
• Have you ever sought to persuade someone of your insanity?
No, that took place on its own.
• Have you ever deserted, or betrayed, a great leader?
I wouldn’t dream of deserting or betraying myself. More to the point: can’t.
• Have you ever smothered a baby?
You mean you haven’t?
• Do you deserve to have any friends?
I not only deserve to have friends, I deserve to have YOUR friends too.
• Have you ever castrated anyone?
You know the problem with castration? I’ll tell you the problem with castration - when you hate someone enough to cut their pee-pee off, the last thing you want to do is actually look at it much less touch it. So…
• Do you deserve to be enslaved?
I think I told you I’m not into S&M.
• Is there any question on this list I had better not ask you again?
Really, I’d never take that tone with you. I consider it quite rude.
• Have you ever tried to make the physical universe less real?
In my spare time, I slowly pull apart tiny strings to destroy the fabric of the universe. It’s quite fun but hasn’t worked yet. I think I’m pulling the wrong strings.
• Have you ever zapped anyone?
Sorry, all that Trekkie stuff leaves me cold.
• Have you ever had a body with a venereal disease? If so, did you spread it?
Did I spread a body with VD? EW! If I ever turned lesbian, it sure as hell wouldn’t be for Paris Hilton.
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4 Comments | |
| A Celebration of The Coming of Age |
Jan 19, 2008 3:41 pm
Mood: sympathetic, 377 Views |  | Yesterday night, I was invited to a birthday party after the show. A friend had been hired to dance at the party and she very kindly invited me along as the birthday party (sic) had heard I was in town & asked if she could bring me along.
I had no clue who these people were but felt obligated to make my appearance. When we arrived, I discovered the hosts were a large Indian family and it was the daughter of the house having her birthday. Typical of Indian family parties of a certain class, it was lavish, riotous & full of alcoholic good cheer. All before the birthday girl was there.
Everyone was very friendly and gracious and I was having a mildly good time conversing with a few of the ladies when the sister of the birthday girl asked if I could accompany her to the car park.
Apparently, for some reason, the birthday girl wanted me to escort her into the party as she was very nervous. She was a pretty little thing and they had decked her out like a princess. Tiara and all.
I wondered why she was so nervous. She clutched onto my arm like it was a lifeline. Along the long grassy path & up the stairs to the chalet, she confided that it was the first time she had been bedecked thus and she was bloody petrified. My heart went out to her & I reassured her that she looked radiant & to look upon it as a rehearsal to her wedding.
The panicked pain across her face took me aback and I decided to cease my obviously misplaced words of comfort.
When we were in the ballroom, I realised that it was her 21st birthday. Aw, bless I thought.
There must have been about 80 people there & there was music, balloons, flowers, disco lights, DJ, food, wine galore. But the birthday girl never once seemed to relax or be particularly happy. I was completely baffled.
It was only on the ride home that my friend told me that she had been commissioned to dance again at the birthday girl's wedding. In six months' time. Groom unknown as yet but apparently it would be decided after the birthday party.
Her 21st birthday which is a typical coming-of-age & getting-the-key-to-your-freedom was also the last night of her freedom.
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2 Comments | |
| Canoe Building Scottish-Way |
Jan 19, 2008 1:28 am
Mood: Cheeky, 425 Views |  | OK, one last joke before I head off backstage to get me make-up slapped on.
An intrepid group of adventurers made up of a Brit, an American and a Scotsman go to darkest Africa to look for treasure. And ended up finding a village of cannibals instead. So the chieftain, who's quite a democratic, progressive type who believes in recycling, asks the American.
"Before we eat you and make a canoe out of your skin, do you have any last request?"
The America thinks for a mo, then says, "Can I have 100 cigarettes to smoke before I die?"
So they kindly gave him 100 cigarettes. He puffs them all, gets lung cancer almost immediately and kicks it. The cannibals, not having heard the latest surgeon-general warning, proceeded to eat him & made a canoe out of his skin.
The Brit, seeing this, knows what to ask for. When asked too, "Before we eat you & make a canoe out of your skin, any last request?"
"Yes I do. Unlike that American fag, I would like 100 women to shag please."
So they pick 100 of the choicest women in their village and the next, and the Brit started shagging for all he is worth. He died of Aids, got eaten (again) and his skin was made into a canoe.
Seeing all this, the Scots is thinking furiously. When his turn came, he quickly said, "I'd like a fork if ye please."
The chieftain is surprised, "A ... a fork?"
"Aye."
"O ... K ..."
So they give him a fork.
And our man starts poking himself all over, chanting, "Ye nae make a canoe outta me .. ye nae make a canoe outta me ..."
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5 Comments | |
| Beer Joke |
Jan 18, 2008 10:57 pm
Mood: Cheeky, 409 Views |  | At a conference for the international breweries, the presidents of Carlsberg, Heineken, and Budweiser just so happened to be sitting at the bar after dinner.
Being professional and all, they greeted each other. The Budweiser Prez said, "Give me a Bud, my good man!' He then toasted the other two, took a big gulp & happily burped that it was the best god-damn beer in the world.
The Heineken Prez immediately ordered a Heineken, took a gulp and sighed happily that it is the nectar of the gods.
The Carlsberg Prez looked at them & asked the bartender to give him a Coke.
Surprised the other two jokingly asked him why he did not order his own beer.
He said, "Well, I did not want to be rude since you guys weren't drinking beer."
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5 Comments | |
| Crime & Punishment |
Jan 18, 2008 2:05 pm
Mood: Disgusted, 425 Views |  | OK, I am not fond of the kid and others of her ilk. Their whininess, self-engrossment, cluelessness and sheer superficiality tend to annoy me vastly. However, I think this latest punishment meted out by some delusion judge is not only cruel, unkind, sadistic but most importantly, useless.
Lohan to Work in Morgue As Punishment
Jan. 18, 2008,
The Associated Press
LOS ANGELES -- Lindsay Lohan is about to see dead people.
The 21-year-old actress will soon be working at a morgue as part of her punishment for misdemeanor drunken driving, her attorney, Blair Berk, told a judge Thursday. She has also spent two months in rehabilitation and has done some community service, Berk said at a hearing on her progress toward fulfilling the terms of her plea bargain.
Her two four-hour days at the morgue are part of a court-ordered program to show drivers the real-life consequences of drinking and driving. She must also spend two days working in a hospital emergency room.
Lohan was arrested twice last year on DUI charges and pleaded guilty in August to misdemeanor drunken driving and cocaine charges. She has already served 84 minutes in jail as part of the plea deal.
Lohan was not required to appear at Thursday's hearing.
So they reckoned using shock statics on her would shake her from her self-pitying stupour? Why??? She worked with some actors/actresses who are as much cadavers as what she is going to view in the morgue. Will giving her nightmares and another excuse to substance-abuse herself to death be productive?
"Oh woe is me! I see dead people now. Nightmare plague my poor troubled hair-extensioned head. I need to rid my mind of these horrific visions. Drugs please. And a champagne chaser with that too, thanks."
Would it not make more sense to send her off to a hospital or better yet, a hospice, to help out with the victims of drunk driving and Drug abuse? Let her see the true horrors of subsistence living and physical & mental disabilities caused by the actions of morons like her.
Life is not a horror movie that you can shut your eyes and have people kiss your boo boo as you have nightmares which you created. It's about living with consequences and having the bloody balls to right your wrongs.
At the end of the day, she is still a child. Making her work in a morgue is cruel & unusual punishment that has no benefits except to make her even more of a freak show for the paparazzi.
The judge should be so much road-kill from Linday Lohan's drunk driving.. |
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6 Comments | |
| Movie Titles - The X-Rated Versions |
Jan 18, 2008 11:04 am
Mood: Innocent, 532 Views |  | As you can tell, I am easily amused. I recently instigated a game in the Clean Room (inspired by someone's blog here) where we named movies and added in the words "between my legs".
Then I started the ball rolling during coffee a few nights ago on the most descriptive swear words that did not fall into blatant vulgarity.
All very fun. Just yesterday night during after-dinner drinks, I managed to lead a sextet of middle-aged females into a game involving movies ... and sex.
So I thought I would try it out here.
Let's go ...
Here are the facts. You pick a movie title and substitute one or two words out of the title with the word "sex". Like thus:
BrokeSex Mountain
The Bucket Sex
Silence of the Sex
Sex of the Caribbean
Sexy Feet
Sex Wars
Next ... |
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9 Comments | |
| Irony Is a Flammable Concept |
Jan 18, 2008 10:43 am
Mood: Aggrieved, 331 Views |  | It is not that I am unsympathetic, in fact my heart goes out to the fishermen, but so many things about this article provokes a cynical snigger. Is it the intention of the reporter to pen in such a way that it directs mockery over the situation? Or is irony that much of a bitch?
SKorean sets himself ablaze in protest at oil spill payout
Posted: 18 January 2008
SEOUL : A fish merchant is critically ill after setting himself ablaze on Friday during a rally demanding greater compensation for South Korea's worst oil spill, a medical official said.
Alright, stop right there. Worst oil spill. I am assuming he set himself ablaze using some flammable substance similar to oil? Irony 1 ...
The suicide bid follows the recent death of two fish farmers, who separately drank poison in despair at the damage done to their marine farms.
At Friday's protest Ji Chang-Hwan, 56, drank a bottle of herbicide before running on stage and dousing himself with paint thinner, witnesses said. He then set himself on fire with a cigarette lighter.
Ah, previous question answered. And here the word "overkill" is obviously not applicable since he is still alive. Irony 2 ...
"He is in critical condition, especially because he drank herbicide," an official at Taean Medical Centre told AFP, adding that the man was being transferred to a large hospital in nearby Cheonan city.
Well, that's a relief since I thought it would be the setting yourself on fire thing that would be reason why a person would be in critical condition. It's the herbicide! And they say these things are environmentally safe. Obviously being a vegetable is a better suicide objective than a fireball. Irony 3 ...
Ji was among 5,000 people taking part in the rally in Taean county, demanding special laws aimed at compensating them fully for damage from the crude oil spill off the west coast last month.
The county, 110 kilometres (69 miles) southwest of Seoul, was hardest hit.
Carrying banners and with headbands bearing slogans, the protesters called for full compensation and accused authorities of negligence in dealing with the aftermath of the spill.
"Deaths are here and there. Government must take responsibility," read one banner, mourning the death of the two fish farmers.
A Samsung Heavy Industries barge, drifting in stormy weather after its towing cable snapped, smashed into the 147,000-ton Hong Kong-registered tanker Hebei Spirit on December 7.
Hebei Spirit. Paint thinner. 3 suicides. Need I say more? Irony 4 ...
It holed the ship in three places and 10,900 tonnes of oil destroyed scores of sea farms and polluted miles of beaches along the Yellow Sea coast.
Tens of thousands of police, troops and volunteers have staged a huge clean-up of the shoreline but environmentalists say the damage could last for years.
Police plan next week to announce the results of their investigation into the accident.
Taean residents are calling on the companies involved in the spill to pay full compensation and take "unlimited responsibility" for the damage.
- AFP /ls
But on a serious note, the Hallyu wave was probably never prepared for something of this magnitude. My sympathy goes out to them. The AFP reporter should be buried up to his/her neck in the oil-spilled coast.
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0 Comments | |
| Tel Me About It |
Jan 18, 2008 8:27 am
Mood: Diplomatic, 344 Views |  | My last post elicited a swift response from a Singapore mate. I'd emailed him the article and he promptly resembled, I mean, resented the comment I made about the Malaysians' "anally retentive neighbours across the highway".
To prove me wrong and that Singaporeans are a relaxed, witty, humorous bunch capable of taking the mickey out of themselves, he sent me this song, written by the local satirical icons - Talkingcock.
Now, I've spoken to and read the articles of a few of the contributors and I admit they have a lively, out-spoken, irreverent sense of humour ... that is very unSingaporean. This song was written around the period when the government-owned investment arm of Singapore bought into the national telco of Thailand, sparking a very uncharacteristic furore from the usually gentle and friendly people of Thailand.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS A THAI TELCO
(sung to the tune of ‘All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth’)
All I want for Christmas
Is a Thai telco
A Thai telco
My own Thai telco!
Gee, if I could only
Own a Thai telco
Then I’ll own
More of Southeast Asia
Here I’m sian*, I must tie my hands
All because of my dear hubby
But in Thailand, I’ll wear the pants
It’ll be a coup, just you see!
All I want for Christmas
Is a Thai telco
A Thai telco
My own Thai telco!
Gee, if I could only
Own a Thai telco
Then I’ll own
More of Southeast Asia
*sian means bored and these two lines refers to Ho Ching, the lead woman behind the Singapore government-owned investment arm, who just happens to be married to the Prime Minister of Singapore, who is the son of the previous Prime Minister of this democratic island, who remains the venerated Senior Minister till he kicks it.
While I appreciated my friend's staunch defense of his nation, I also noted that this song was dated December 2006. Has it been that long since Singapore could poke fun at itself? |
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0 Comments | |
| Driving Miss Daisy Redacted |
Jan 17, 2008 11:48 pm
Mood: In Stitches, 389 Views |  | I love Malaysians. They slay me with how creative they can get and constantly exhibit a simple, wide-eyed,heck-if-I-know-and-care attitude that makes their anally retentive neighbours across the border terribly uncomfortable. So their latest shenanigan reported by the same bloke who gave us NailMeGood had me hogged wild with hilarity.
Apparently, some clown over at Putera UMNO (Malaysian ruling party) thought it was a good idea to pay Mat Rempits (local biker gang made up of young daredevils) cold-hard cash to help send voters (Apparently with a strong emphasis on the senior citizens) to the polling booths on election day.
...
Getting Mat Rempits to send voters to the polling booths. What a stupid, STUPID idea.
AS IF it wasn't bad enough already that these noisy pests on motorbikes are terrorising our streets riding like this.
Can you imagine what's gonna happen if they REALLY let those Rempits take the Aunties (Respectful form of address for older ladies ... every woman older than the ones you want to shag is an Auntie) out on election day?
Where is the Auntie gonna sit?
I can just picture an Auntie clutching haplessly onto a Mat Rempit under the shoulder, prompting the boy to wail, "Aiyah Auntie, it's Mat Rempit lah ... not hold my armpit!"
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1 comment | |
| A Nail By Any Other Name |
Jan 17, 2008 10:42 pm
Mood: amused, 413 Views |  | I saw this in someone's blog. The bloke penned an amusing photo caption that if the owner opened a massage parlour, he reckons it would be called Bang Me Hard.
My question is ... what was he doing at a nail parlour? |
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3 Comments | |
| To link to this blog (Whatsherface) use [blog Whatsherface] in your messages. |
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