| Forgiveness |
Jun 3, 2008 10:33 am
Mood: Leery, 807 Views | It's not something I do well. In fact, I am unforgivably bad at it.
A long time ago, someone I worked with decided that I was such an easy-going person of such good humour, he decided to screw me over. He also took the chance that I would be too well-brought up and genteel to create a scene and loudly expose his wrong-doings in front of everyone.
He was right. I quietly called him a few choice names and then I made him a promise, "You are dead to me. Never make a mistake in front of me as I do not forgive nor do I forget."
And I left.
About a decade passed and one day, our paths crossed. He had almost forgotten me. Mistake.
We had the misfortune of being in the same business circle for a project and I was my usual smiles and good humour. He bought it. Mistake.
We made small talk and in the convivial atmosphere of post-conference activities, he relaxed enough to inform some of our associates that he and I once worked together when I was very young. And he vaguely remembered me as I was such a cute young thing then. Mistake.
During that week, a few people came to me. One asked my opinion of my ex-colleague as he had approached them on a deal.
I laid out my analysis which I had started the moment I saw him. And I ended by saying I personally would never trust him but that was just my own opinion.
They decided not to go with him.
Another friend asked what I thought of him as he had applied for a senior position with them. I told him that I would never trust him, as I did once and got screwed. I also forwarded my extremely fair and objective evaluation (which I prided myself on since I hated his guts - professionalism sucks). I labelled him a liability I would not underwrite.
They did not hire him.
On the last day of the conference, he approached me for help on something. I looked him straight in the eye and said, "I like this particular Chinese proverb that teaches us ... Vengeance is never too late. Even ten years later. I am done but I will be watching for you as you failed to watch for me."
I was not particularly proud of myself for not being able to "let go" and be a better person than he. I will not deny the satisfaction I felt. I laid in wait for ten years. I can wait. Even if I had passed on before the time, I would have set the cogs to go into play when he made his mistake.
Yes, I am not a good person.
That was years ago when I was younger and more angry. This week, I found myself in the same position.
I was placed in a position where someone I used to work with was once again in my sphere. Years ago, this person was starving and unable to get work anywhere. Out of pity and sympathy, I started bringing him with me and personally persuaded people to give him the time of day. I gave him a salary when the clients refused to pay it.
So it was with much shock and a deep sense of betrayal that I realised he had been going around stealing my clients while informing them that I was too expensive, unavailable and did not want to work with them.
At the same time, I found out that he had done the same to a number of peers. They were up in arms and much was said but no one had confronted him yet. An unofficial boycott and names slinging campaign was underway.
I do not play like that.
I picked up the phone and asked him calmly if he had betrayed me. I gave him rope. He lied. And tried to blame everyone but himself. He also tried to turn the tables around to make me feel bad for doubting him.
I gave him more rope. He lied even more.
After he had tied the noose around his own neck, I told him I had just heard it first hand from the client that afternoon. He was silent and fearful. He had enough cow sense to realise my quiet behaviour was the calm before the storm.
I informed him he was dead to me and he had to be very careful he never placed himself before me again. And I hang up.
He stalked me over the phone for days trying to explain. I cut him off at all points.
Years passed. No one in the industry would work with him. Everyone knew of my blunt refusal to have anything to do with him and my complete disdain of him as a person and product.
So, this week, he had the misfortune of sitting with me for lunch due to some mutual business dealings. I could see the fear on his face. I could also see that he contemplated moving off with some excuse rather than have to face me.
But he must have been very hungry because he forced himself to do so and it was an incredibly awkward moment for him.
As usual, I was all smiles and good humour.
To give him his due, he had the balls to ask me during a rare, quiet moment, when no one else was paying attention, if I was still angry with him and if I had never considered that he might have changed in all these years.
Into what, was my question.
He gave me excuses that he had been going through a very bad patch when he was starving. He had been in mental chaos as his then partner had messed with his head by making him think everyone else was against them and he had to fight for their survival.
Which apparently entailed biting the hand that fed him.
She had informed him of the list of supposed names a fairly prominent member of our circle had called him and gotten him so riled that he lost his rag.
His self-righteous momentum was interrupted when I asked what that had to do with me.
He explained that that made him think no one else but her was on his side and he had to fight for their survival. I smiled and listened with earnest eyes as he told me how his partner made use of him to screw everyone so they could gather as much business for themselves. How she made him feel so sorry for her that he resorted to underhanded methods. He had lost sight of what was right and wrong.
He even had the audacity to tell me that even I had worked with his partner after they had had their own blow up. He somehow equated that as my own inability to maintain personal integrity.
He apologised and asked that I forgive him.
I smiled.
"Thank you. I accept your apology.
It does not justify your actions. Nothing does.
I gave you food from my own table. When you were starving, I gave you work when there was none. I gave up my own money to help you out.
You said you did it from misplaced loyalty. I call it deliberate disloyalty.
Whatever happened between you and your partner is your business. It did not affect me. You claim she was the reason why you screwed me over. I really do not give a shite. I just know you did it. My problem is with you. Not her.
The one who lied and stole from me was you. If she had her hand up your arse to do it ... well, too bad for you. Not my concern.
It is in the past now. I accept your apology as such but it does not justify what you did.
I will still never work with you as I will never be able to trust you.
I wish you well but I never want to have anything to do with you. If I see you as I did today, we can talk as two people who used to know each other.
Nothing else."
I think I have grown a little. I will not lie in wait for him in quiet, opportunistic vengeance as I might once have. But it does not mean I will not keep an eye out for him to await the knife of psychotic retribution or delusional, self-serving vindication.
The fact that he used his wife and infant child to garner my sympathy also did not add to the dearth of respect I have for him.
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