| Another funny |
May 21, 2008 3:12 pm
Mood: We are sooo amused, 1900 Views |  | I GOT STOPPED FOR SPEEDING THE OTHER DAY.
I THOUGHT I COULD TALK MY WAY OUT OF IT
UNTIL THE COP LOOKED AT MY DOG IN THE BACK SEAT
Hope you can see the photo..... |
| |
|
7 Comments | |
| A funny |
May 20, 2008 11:32 am
Mood: Laughing, 1743 Views |  | This is a forward I received. This didn't happen to me.
................
Last weekend I saw something at Larry 's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie . What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.
I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and Taser in another.
The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it," reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.
I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs?
The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself!
You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative?
A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I $hit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.
I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!
P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it! |
| |
|
12 Comments | |
| The Saturday Camelot Chronicle |
May 16, 2008 8:59 pm
Mood: Happy, of course, 1816 Views |  | Have you had any problems with your email this week? Not just the FF message center but any email system you use? I have talked with several people who have had disappearing emails. Not delivered to the bulk folder, but not received at all. It's happened to me a few times as well.
Camelot gardening and maintenance report.
Sigh. Lilac blossoms are almost gone. C'mon Honeysuckle!
And the golf course looks like the Quaker Oats guy threw up again. little elm seeds that look like oatmeal are everywhere. Two weeks ago I swept everything and it looked great. Eight days out of fourteen of strong winds and presto. Pass the brown sugar.
So how come nature, in it's devine plan, didn't come up with a critter that eats elm seeds?
......................................
Jokes
......................................
A buddies Dad used to have the same problems keeping up with his bills as most people do. At the end of the month there always seemed to be something he just couldn't pay.
Annoyed at a creditor for calling and harassing him about his missing payment, he told the caller...
"Look, I have so much money to pay bills and x amount of bills to pay. So every month I put all the bills in a hat and draw names til the money is gone. If you don't stop calling me, I won't put your name in the hat next month."
.....................................
Lyrics
.....................................
Classical Gas
Mason Williams
Dum, da da Dee
Dum Dum
Dum dee dee... dum, dum dum
Dum, da da dee
Dum Dummm
Dum de de diddle Dee Dum
Dum dum, dum dum...
Dum, de de didle de dum
Dum de de diddle de dum
Dum de de diddle de dum
Dum, dum dum dum dum
Dum de de diddle dee dum
Dum de de didle de dum
......................................
Feel Good Section
......................................
Joanie's plate is really full and she hasn't had the time to start her column. Still hoping. In the meantime let's play with this feature. This week a simple little exercise.
Don't sweat the small stuff
Think about last week. Just let your mind drift back to some event that happened early in the week.
Now, for the week in general...
Do you remember any bad things? (If you had a death or major life changing event, first of all I am so sorry, and try to exclude that event from this memory.)
Now think of anything good that happened during the week.
Next remember 2007. Just a year ago. You are a bright person. What event of last year do you remember, good or bad?
No explanation, other then the title of this weeks section. Just something to think about.
......................................
Dear T
......................................
My alter ego, T has insisted I at least give him a column in the Chronicle.
You gave Joanie one, and you sleep with me. I should get one too. Besides she too busy to write hers and I got plenty of time.
Sigh. You have the floor. But I have my finger on the censer button.
Cool! Ok guys, this is where you ask me questions, and I answer them. And don't get mad at me. You were expecting maybe Ann Landers?
I can exude bull beeep as well as she can. be as nasty as Doctor Phil and talk as funny as Doctor Ruth. (And I have had actually been beeep ed in the last two decades).
A Knights notions on your problems? |
| |
|
12 Comments | |
| Witch Hunt |
May 13, 2008 12:44 pm
Mood: 100% real cheese. Uh... me, 1733 Views |  | It surprised me to see that the issue of people using multiple IDs and the allegations directed towards many of doing that is not subsiding. This is threatening to become a witch hunt and FF is going to have to address the issue.
I have mentioned this before but with how simple it is for a website to know the IP address of our computers there is no reason why this problem should continue to linger.
If this is such an issue on the blogs I can imagine the troubles occuring in the dating part of this site where one can't get a "feel" for a person by reading their thoughts.
I am certified through Verisign here but I can understand the trepidation someone might have mailing a photocopy of their drivers license to them to get certified. I felt the same way myself.
It makes me wonder...
Does the question af false identities ever make you hesitate to contact someone on this site that you are attracted to?
Are you concerned that someone you have been writing to or just commenting on their blog may not be who you think they are?
I must confess I have had thoughts about a person or two when I first started to get to know them. I sometimes feel it appears I am vain having several photos of myself on my profile but this is precisely why I do it and in various looks. As in bearded or shaved. Altho if I was trying to fool anyone I believe I could have come up with a more attractive mug then the one I have up. |
| |
|
24 Comments | |
| The Sunday Supplement: Call me James |
May 11, 2008 2:32 pm
Mood: Happy. What else?, 1329 Views |  | I noticed that occasionally folks here call me by my handle or some variation there of. Call me James.
I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed but one thing no one can ever say about me, I am not secretive. I spout my name all over the blogs and even add my last name when I post my lyrics. My city, Pueblo, is on my profile which is visible to the world and I would include my address except FF won't allow it. My messenger handle, which is also on my profile is the same as my email address. I am an open book. It may be a boring book but it's open to everyone.
Hi there. I'm James.
I've been out in my yard enjoying a great Colorado Sunday. While engaged in about ten projects at once, something caught my eye moving on my Lilacs blossoms. It was the largest Monarch butterfly I've ever seen.
It had to have had a six inch wing span. Beautiful yellow with black accents. I stayed and chatted with it for a long time. Soooo cool. Tried to coax it onto my open palm but it was busy savoring the scent of the Lilacs and wasn't interested in a sweaty old Knight.
The photo isn't my cute little friend as my old digital camera doesn't care for my new computer but it looked a lot like this. Only much larger. |
| |
|
18 Comments | |
| The Saturday Camelot Chronicle |
May 9, 2008 9:16 pm
Mood: I'm back!, 1205 Views |  | This began as a very long post comparing the current socio economic climate with the French Revolution. But after writing it and reading it, I determined it was too depressing to post. In hard times people need to get away from reality, if only for a bit. (hmmm why did the theme song from Cheers suddenly pop into my head )
If you are interested, and you should be, I suggest you do a search on your favorite engine for the causes of The French Revolution. A similar situation may not be as far fetched as you might think.
But in the meantime... I have decided to return my blog to what I intended it to be. A source of entertainment, reflection and comfort.
So let it be written. So let it be done.
..........................
Spring Jokes
.........................
Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.
Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."
Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"
.....
Spring break—that’s when kids work on their tans and teachers work on their sanity.
Spring break—that’s when kids go wild someplace other than school.
Spring break is when the only thing kids study is each other.
The college kids call it spring "break." Their parents, however, call it spring "broke."
Spring break is when teenagers give their swimsuits a dry run.
Spring break—that’s when students take time off from football games, basketball games, dances, parties, and hanging out in bars, and go to Florida and relax.
Thousands of college kids head south to vacation on a shoestring. Or at least that's what they wear on the beach.
Spring break is that annual ritual when college kids flock to the beach, get drunk, and try to swim upstream.
Spring break is when the nation's college kids demonstrate to the world how much they've learned.
Spring break is when the nation's breweries go all out to teach another generation how to throw up responsibly.
..........................
Recipe
..........................
INGREDIENTS
1 (3 ounce) package strawberry flavored gelatin
1/2 cup cold water
1 (18.25 ounce) package white cake mix
4 eggs
1 cup vegetable oil
3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1 (10 ounce) package frozen strawberries, thawed
6 tablespoons butter
2 cups confectioners' sugar
DIRECTIONS
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F (165 degrees C). Grease and flour three 9 inch round cake pans.
In a large bowl, dissolve the gelatin in cold water; stir in the cake mix, eggs, vegetable oil, flour and 1/2 of the strawberries. Beat for 5 minutes on the medium speed of an electric mixer. Divide the batter evenly between the prepared cake pans.
Bake for 30 to 35 minutes in the preheated oven, or until the layers spring back when lightly pressed in the center. Cool cakes in the pans on wire racks.
To Make Frosting: Cream the butter, sugar and the remaining half of the strawberries in a medium bowl until light and fluffy, adding additional confectioners' sugar if needed for a spreadable consistency. Spread the frosting between layers and over the top and sides of cake.
...............
Lyrics
.........................
The theme from Cheers. (You thought I forgot dint ya? ) This is the full version that was never aired.
Making your way in the world today
Takes everything you've got;
Taking a break from all your worries
Sure would help a lot.
Wouldn't you like to get away?
All those night when you've got no lights,
The check is in the mail;
And your little angel
Hung the cat up by it's tail;
And your third fiance didn't show;
Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to be where you can see,
Our troubles are all the same;
You want to be where everybody knows your name.
Roll out of bed, Mr. Coffee's dead;
The morning's looking bright;
And your shrink ran off to Europe,
And didn't even write;
And your husband wants to be a girl;
Be glad there's one place in the world
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
You want to go where people know,
People are all the same;
You want to go where everybody knows your name.
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came;
Where everybody knows your name,
And they're always glad you came... |
| |
|
10 Comments | |
| The test continues... |
May 8, 2008 9:39 am
Mood: Ack!!!, 1183 Views |  | Sigh. Just got home from the dentist. The lab screwed up my new crown again! So I have to go back a third time and miss more work.
And while they were taking a new impression for the crown, they broke off the top of a adjoining tooth and now tell me I need another root canal and another crown.
All of this without insurance.
Other issues persist. Did ya ever see the movie 10? The dentist had given me some pain pills after the last root canal which I never took 'cause I don't like to cloud my judgment (and I use that phrase loosely).
I keep seeing Dudley Moore swilling Brandy and popping pain pills in my mind. If I didn't have so much to do today....
Something tells me that wouldn't help the problems tho and I don't want to wake up in Mexico.
Sooo why am I whining about this in a blog post?
Good question. |
| |
|
13 Comments | |
| I'm an idiot |
May 6, 2008 10:10 pm
1317 Views | That's it. Nothin' to add.
I suppose I could phrase it in a couple of other dialects.
Nah. That's close enuff. | |
|
24 Comments | |
| The Sunday Supplement |
May 4, 2008 8:21 pm
Mood: Staggered, 1119 Views | I went to see my first Major League Baseball game today at Coors Field in Denver. The stadium is pretty cool but the prices are unbelievable. Plus after watching the game, I just couldn't understand why baseball players or any other athlete for that matter, make the salaries they do?
I mean, even an old guy like me could do what I saw most of the players do today. It's much more noticeable in person then on television. What miscarriage of justice could possibly be responsible for these men making multi millions of dollars a year to stand on a grassy field waiting to catch a baseball?
We sat next to left field and the left fielder never had a ball come his way the entire game. He could have taken a nap out there. And I don't recall him ever hitting the baseball with his bat either.
There were a few very athletic catches by infielders but worth several million dollars a year??
Maybe the reason this is bothering me is that I have a lot of other things on my mind right now. I really don't feel like going into that area right now, especially after my last post, but my beliefs are being severely tested. On multiple fronts. | |
|
5 Comments | |
| To link to this blog (Sir_T) use [blog Sir_T] in your messages. |
|
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
|
|
|
|
1
|
2
|
3
|
4
|
51
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
91
|
10
|
111
|
12
|
131
|
14
|
15
|
161
|
|
171
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
261
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
