| ^*^ Play With Me ^*^ |
Oct 26, 2007 11:36 am
Mood: thoughtful, 1311 Views |  | We don't stop playing because we grew old
We grow old Because we stopped playing  |
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14 Comments | |
| ~*~*~ Cocktail Party ~*~*~ |
Oct 24, 2007 3:53 am
Mood: naughty, 1104 Views |  | At cocktail parties
men usually stand and drink and get stiff,
women sit and drink and get tight.
When they go home they find that ' Neither is Either.
'
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Alcohol provoketh,
but taketh away performance
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10 Comments | |
| *** Everything has a Gender *** |
Oct 16, 2007 9:07 am
Mood: crazy, 1276 Views | You may not know this but all nonliving things have a gender.
Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are Female, because once turned off, it
takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old
lines to pick people up.
An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the
weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hammer is Male , because it hasn't changed much
over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have
around.
A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd
be male, didn't you? But consider this -
it gives a man pleasure,
he'd be lost without it,
and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push,
he keeps trying!
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18 Comments | |
| ^*^ Job Interview ^*^ |
Oct 15, 2007 9:14 am
Mood: giddy, 1222 Views |  | 
A recent Italian immigrant to New York wanted a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test.
"Here's your first question," the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Dat is easy." And he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
"All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian man stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little dog came along and poops by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat make one hundred. So, when I start?"
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14 Comments | |
| *~*~ The Meaning of Happiness ~*~* |
Oct 12, 2007 1:06 am
Mood: silly, 1811 Views |  | HAPPIEST FAIRY TALE EVER!
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said "NO!"
And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank whole bottles of wine, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, saved money, had time to visit the beauty parlour, and had the whole bed and pillows to herself.
She went to the theatre, dressed the way she felt like and didn't have to ask if he approves, wear high heels without consideration, never had to watch football, never wore fricken lacy lingerie that went up her arse, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, and felt and looked fabulous all the time.
THE END
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34 Comments | |
| Some Unfortunate Habits |
Oct 7, 2007 6:58 am
Mood: contemplative, 1343 Views |  | It seems that each of us has the same number of hours in every day and roughly equivalent claims on our attention. If the second requires more time than the first, you are in trouble. Under normal circumstances, it is not a problem for which you are allowed to impose the indulgence of others.
RL
* When waiting for a lift, stand aside and let others align when the lift door opens. RLThat way there will be more room in the lift for everyone. Do not push your way through, even when you are in a hurry. Others might also be in a hurry.
* In a shopping complex, restaurant, or other public place, hold the door open for the person that might be behind you. RL Have a quick check if anyone is behind you.
* At the escalator, help the elderly, handicapped, or mothers with a pram or pushchair to easily and safely get onto the escalator.
Some people are quite oblivious of their habits that irritate others. They burb and slurp; they spit and croak; they crack their knuckles; shake their legs; drum the table; stare at others.
They eat disgustingly and sneeze worse, sometimes manage to combine the two. They give off evidence of poor personal hygiene.
RL
They scrape their throats, and then scrape their teeth.
They pick their nose, and chew their nails.
They dig their ears, and sniff their nose.
They whisper into someones ear and shout at others.
They scratch their crotch and check their hair.
One thing these people never seem to do is to entertain self-doubts. Presumably they are too busy having a good time, going about their business in perfect ignorance and pleasure while disgusting everyone within range.
RL
Most of us are probably very innocent about those unfortunate habits and have to bear with it in the office proximity. Some of us are paired as the offender and the offendee, and are married to each other. RL
There is no all-purpose way of complaining about, much less altering, the annoying personal habits of others. We just have to be gracious enough to ignore them. RL
However, if the person happens to be your best friend or spouse you may restrain them gently from doing whatever irritates you, i.e."Dearest, I wish you wouldn't do that"
The usual response is "Do what?"
to which one replies, "I don't know ~ whatever it is that makes that strange sound". RL
More distant relationships require more distant allusions.
One can offer a solution without mentioning the problem ("Would you like a mint?") Or one can generally complain ~ "We are going to ban food at the desk. I just found a cockroach." RL Even if it only concerns one person who eats in the office or shop, others may find it offensive. RL
However, having said that.
* One should Not to give instructions to strangers
Good Habits are Learned at Home and are a Reflection of Ones Background.
Property of Renee Laurent |
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11 Comments | |
| ~*~*~* Proverbs *~*~*~ |
Sep 26, 2007 5:14 am
Mood: curious, 2345 Views |  | Never throw stones when living in a glasshouse.
This proverb often comes to mind when I read some comments 
What is your favourite proverb? |
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53 Comments | |
| *~*~*~ Things You Can't Buy ~*~*~* |
Sep 21, 2007 10:56 am
Mood: contemplative, 1828 Views |
We cannot buy ...
* Common Sense
* Compassion
* Love
* Intelligence
* Kindness
* Good Manners
What else do you know that we cannot buy with money? | |
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26 Comments | |
| ~*~*~*~ I heard It on The Grapevine ~*~*~*~ |
Sep 19, 2007 8:31 am
Mood: giggly, 1529 Views |  |
1. Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool at the other.
2. Love affairs : Something like cricket where one-day internationals are more popular than a five day test.
3. Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her master
4. Divorce : Future tense of marriage
5. Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
6. Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
7. Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
8. Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power. ..
9. Dictionary : A place where divorce comes before marriage.
10. Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
11. Ecstasy : A feeling when you feel you are going to feel a feeling you have never felt before.
12. Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
13. Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
14. Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
15. Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
16. Etc .: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
17. Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
18. Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.
19. Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
20. Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
21. Diplomat : A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
22. Opportunist : A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
23. Optimist : A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says in midway "See I am not injured yet."
24. Pessimist : - A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY .
25. Miser : A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
26. Father: A banker provided by nature.
27. Criminal: A guy no different from the rest... except that he got caught.
28. Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
29. Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after…
30. Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
31. Computer Engineer : One who gets paid for reading such mails.
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5 Comments | |
| Z A P A T A' S |
Sep 18, 2007 11:37 pm
Mood: amused, 1264 Views |  |
Notice spotted at a Mexican restaurant in China:
Zapata's Mexican Cantina does not sponsor prOstitudes at our establishment.
If you are a prOstitude, please refrain from entering our garden or restaurant.
If you are unsure whether or not you are a prOstitude, please ask one of our friendly security guards to sort it out for you.
now was that so bad that FF had to ban it? |
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2 Comments | |
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