| The Perfect Job ... |
May 10, 2008 4:56 am
Mood: contemplative, 1025 Views |  | 
1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. I couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3. After that, I tried to be a Tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.
5. Then, I tried to be a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme.
6. Next, I attempted to be a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it I couldn't cut the mustard.
7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. I tried but I just didn't fit in.
10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
11. I managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.
12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center , BUT THEY SAID I wasn't fit for the job.
13. After many years of trying to find steady work! , I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.
14. My last job was working in Starbucks,
but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND FOUND THAT
I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
... |
| |
|
46 Comments | |
| ~~* Angel's Food vs. Devil's Delight ... *~~ |
May 2, 2008 4:50 am
Mood: naughty, 1036 Views |  | 
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?"
And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Ranch Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
 )
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created HMOs.
 |
| |
|
22 Comments | |
| &~ Bitchology ~& |
Apr 22, 2008 8:28 pm
Mood: bitchy, 986 Views |  | 
When I stand up for
myself and my beliefs,
they call me a
bitch.
When I stand up for
those I love,
they call me a
bitch.
When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts
or do things my own way, they call me a
bitch.
Being a bitch
means I won't
compromise what's
in my heart.
It means I live my life MY way.
It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.
When I refuse to
tolerate injustice and
speak against it, I am
defined as a
bitch.
The same thing happens when I take time for
myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.
It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think I 'should' be.
I am outspoken,
opinionated and determined. I want what I want and there is nothing wrong with that!
So try to stomp on me,
try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me.
You won't succeed.
And if that makes me a bitch ,
so be it.
I embrace the title and
am proud to bear it.
.
B - Babe
I - In
T - Total
C - Control of
H - Herself
B = Beautiful
I = Intelligent
T = Talented
C = Charming
H = Hell of a Woman
B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything
We can Please Some of the People All of the Time
And All of the People Some of the Time
But You Cannot Please All of the People All of the Time. |
| |
|
16 Comments | |
| Sallysmithy Lost??? |
Apr 19, 2008 5:33 am
Mood: worried, 1014 Views |  | Does anyone know what happened to Sallysmithylost?
Is she lost again?
She wrote to me, but FF ate it up
Anyone knows her whereabouts? |
| |
|
14 Comments | |
| Lost in Translation |
Apr 15, 2008 7:10 am
Mood: confused, 932 Views |  | The Worst Slogan Translations Ever...
.
13) When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
12) Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing Sucks like an Electrolux."
11) Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."
10) Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
9) Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.
 When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures on the labels of what's inside, since many people can't read.
7) Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
6) Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken," was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate."
5) When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly In Leather" campaign literally, which meant "Fly Naked" (vuela en cuero) in Spanish.
4) An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa).
3) The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are You Lactating?"
2) General Motors had a very famous fiasco in trying to market the Nova car in Central and South America. "No va" in Spanish means, "It Doesn't Go".
1) The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the Wax Tadpole" or "Female Horse Stuffed with Wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokoukole", translating into "Happiness in the Mouth."
Now I know why I'm always smiling
Never believe what the advert tells you  |
| |
|
18 Comments | |
| I Know What I Want ****.... |
Mar 28, 2008 8:19 pm
Mood: contemplative, 1153 Views |
I recently had a brief conversation with a male friend who asked me casually ...
"What kind of man are you looking for?"
I sat quietly for a moment before looking him in the eye and ask.
"Do you really want to know?"
Reluctantly, he said, "Yes."
I began slowly to explain to him ....
"As a woman in this day and age, I am in a position to ask a man what he can do for me that I can't do for myself.
* I pay my own bills.
* I take care of my household without the help of any man.
I am in the position to ask,
"What can he bring to the table?"
My friend looked at me thoughtful. Clearly he thought that I was referring to money.
So I quickly corrected his thought and stated,
"I am not referring to money, I have enough to give me all the material comfort I seek. I need something more."
"I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life."
He sat back in his chair, folded his arms, and asked me to explain.
I said,
* "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally, because I need conversation and mental stimulation.
I don't need a simple-minded man."
* "I am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually, because I don't need to be unequally yoked...
believers mixed with disbelievers is a recipe for disaster.
* I need a man who is striving for perfection financially
because I don't need a financial burden.
* I am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman,
but strong enough to keep me grounded.
* I am looking for someone who I can respect.
In order to be submissive, I must be able to respect him.
I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of himself and/or of his business.
I have no problem being submissive...
he just has to be worth it.
God made woman to be a helpmate for man.
I can't help a man if he can't help himself".
When I finished my spill, I looked at him.
He sat there with a puzzled look on his face.
He said, "You're asking for a lot."
I replied,
"I'm worth a lot."
 | |
|
37 Comments | |
| ~*~ That's Punny .. part I ~*~ |
Mar 22, 2008 5:57 am
Mood: silly, 1049 Views |  |
1. Energizer Bunny Arrested & Charged with Battery.
2. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
3. Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
4. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
5. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
6. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.
7. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
8. Corduroy pillows are making headlines.
9. Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?
10. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
11. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.
12. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
13. A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.
14. Without geometry, life is pointless.
15. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
16. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
|
| |
|
16 Comments | |
| ~*~ That's Punny .. part II ~*~ |
Mar 22, 2008 5:53 am
Mood: silly, 1010 Views |  |
17. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
18. What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)
19. A backwards poet writes inverse.
20. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
21. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
22. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
23. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
24. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
25. A grenade in a French kitchen results in Linoleum Blownapart.
26. A lot of money is tainted. It t'aint yours and it t'aint mine.
27. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
28. He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
29. A short fortune-teller escaped from prison is a small medium-at-large.
30. Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
31. Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine .
32. An actress who saw her first strands of grey hair thought she'd dye.
33. Acupuncture is a jab well done.
|
| |
|
14 Comments | |
| *~*O R G A S M*S T Y L E S*~* |
Mar 10, 2008 8:44 pm
Mood: energetic, 1363 Views |  | Only for those with an open mind
Zex in a boat = Oargasms
Zex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Zex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Zex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Zex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Zex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Zex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Zex with a prostitue = Whoregasms
Zex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Zex with an accountant = Boregasms
Zex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Zex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Zex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Zex while broke = Poorgasms
Zex with a lion = Roargasms
Zex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Zex on a golf course = Foregasms
Zex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Zex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Zex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Zex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
Zex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
Zex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Zex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Zex on the beach = Shoregasms
Zex when you get an award = Honogasms
Zex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Zex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Zex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Zex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Zex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Zex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Zex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
Zex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Zex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Zex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Zex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Zex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Zex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Zex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Zex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Zex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Zex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Zex while flying = Soargasms
Zex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Zex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Zex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Zex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Zex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Zex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Zex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Zex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Zex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Zex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Zex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Zex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Zex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Zex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Zex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Zex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Zex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Zex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Zex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Zex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Zex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Zex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Zex without a climax = Nogasms
Now, do you think they will ban me for this? |
| |
|
24 Comments | |
| *~* My Weekend Music *~* |
Mar 7, 2008 5:08 pm
Mood: melancholy, 1034 Views |  |
Although loneliness has always been a friend of mine
I'm leaving my life in your hands
People say I'm crazy and that I am blind
Risking it all in a glance
And how you got me blind is still a mystery
I can't get you out of my head
Don't care what is written in your history
As long as you're here with me
I don't care who you are
Where you're from
What you did
As long as you love me
Who you are
Where you're from
Don't care what you did
As long as you love me
Every little thing that you have said and done
Feels like it's deep within me
Doesn't really matter if you're on the run
It seems like we're meant to be
I've tried to hide it so that no one knows
But I guess it shows
When you look into my eyes
What you did and where you are comin' from
I don't care, as long as you love me, baby.
Who you are
Where you're from
Don't care what you did
As long as you love me
Backstreetboys |
| |
|
18 Comments | |
| To link to this blog (Poetdancer0) use [blog Poetdancer0] in your messages. |
|
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
1
|
21
|
31
|
4
|
5
|
6
|
7
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
18
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
