| And For Those Who Havent ... |
Jul 1, 2007 10:49 am
Mood: confused, 1016 Views |  |
Light travels faster than sound...
...this is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
When you go into court...
...you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people...
...who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
He who laughs last...
...thinks slowest.
Change is inevitable...
...except from a vending machine.
Those who live by the sword...
...get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof...
...to a sufficiently talented fool.
The 50-50-90 rule:
Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right...
...there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end...
...someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them...
...five or six at a time...
...on a hill...
...in the fog.
If the shoe fits...
...get another one just like it.
The things that come to those who wait...
...will be the things left by those who got there first.
Flashlight:
A case for holding dead batteries.
The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
( ...and, cute sayings for those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy
and ambiguity... )
Don't sweat the petty things...
...don't pet the sweaty things.
Atheism is a 'non-prophet' organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes...
...why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman...
..."Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me...
...it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears...
...does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself...
...is it considered a hostage situation?
Where do forest rangers...
...go to 'get away from it all'?
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11 Comments | |
| Murphy's Lesser Known Laws |
Jul 1, 2007 10:39 am
Mood: curious, 917 Views |  |
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued...
...can they 'garnish' his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a 'walk'?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell...
...is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime...
...do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists...
...they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an 'algebra'?
Do infants enjoy infancy...
...as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns...
...do the rest drown, too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto...
...would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail...
...and succeed...
...which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 'S' in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'assteroids'?
Why is it called 'tourist season' if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on 'sour cream'?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
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6 Comments | |
| It's Your Choice |
Jun 28, 2007 2:26 am
Mood: thoughtful, 990 Views | John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"
He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.”
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life."
I reflected on what he said. Soon thereafter I left to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it. Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back. I saw him about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins...Wanna see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place. "The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live."
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. He continued, "..the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses I got really scared. In their eyes, I read he's a dead man. I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said John. “She asked if I was allergic to anything ' Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, Gravity." Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead."
He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. | |
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12 Comments | |
| Married Life |
Jun 24, 2007 9:05 am
Mood: cynical, 1042 Views |  | Is married life like this? 
Before ...
He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She : Do you want me to leave ?
He : NO ! Don't even think about it.
She : Do you love me ?
He : Of course !
She : Have you ever cheated on m e?
He : NO! Why you even ask ?
She : Will you kiss me ?
He : Yes !
She : Will you hit me ?
He : No way ! I'm not such kind of person !
She : Can I trust you ?
After the marriage, you can read it from bottom to the top !!!! |
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13 Comments | |
| Some Use(less) Info |
Jun 17, 2007 9:44 am
Mood: curious, 1163 Views |  | Lemme know what you can use
*The muscles in your heart have the strength to shoot your Blood 10 meters in the air? Wonder where they tested that? Was it another American competition that is missed? 
*Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
*The body’s strongest muscle is our tongue ... am sure they meant 'female' tongue 
*Statistically, people are more afraid of spiders than they are of dying
*All polar bears are left handed. I thought only artists have that priviledge
*Crocodiles cannot stick out their tongue ... must be the male species ;)
*Butterflies taste with their feet. I have a friend who does the same
*A duck’s quack has no echo, and nobody knows why
*It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open
*It is impossible to suck your elbow. Try and suck your big toe
*Starfish have no brains ... I know some people who have the same problem 
*Mosquitoes have teeth ... Now I know why they bite me so often
*Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. That's Why!!!
*A statue in a park with a soldier on a horse with it’s 2 feet in the air means the soldier died in combat. If the horse has only 1 foot in the air, the soldier died of injuries from combat. If the horse has all 4 feet on the ground, the soldier died of natural causes. Now that makes sense
*The word "cemetery" comes from the Greek koimetirion which means dormitory ... but of course
*When the English settlers landed in Australia, they noticed a strange animal that jumped extremely high and far. They asked the aboriginal people using body language and signs trying to ask them about this animal. They responded with ’’Kan Ghu Ru’’ the English then adopted the word kangaroo. What the aboriginal people were really trying to say was ‘’we don’t understand you’’, ‘’ Kan Ghu Ru’’.
*Each King on playing cards represent a King in real history: Spades: King David. Clubs: Alexander The Great. Hearts: Charlemagne. Diamonds: Julius Cesar.
*During historic civil wars, when troops returned without any casualties, a writing was put up so all can see which read "0 Killed". From here we get the expression "O.K." which means all is good.
*Multiplying 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
Got that? |
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19 Comments | |
| You Bet Your Life ..... |
Jun 14, 2007 12:25 am
Mood: cynical, 1217 Views |  | Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed $20 on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Bob, saying, "fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money; I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again!"
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12 Comments | |
| Can You Beat This? |
Jun 12, 2007 1:50 am
Mood: devious, 1245 Views |  |
They say Lions can do it 50 times a day
or ... every 25 minutes
How does that compare to your stamina?
How many gazelles can you eat? |
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12 Comments | |
| Mastercard Wedding |
Jun 1, 2007 1:15 pm
Mood: amused, 1838 Views |  | You got to love this guy... This is a true story about a friend of mine who recently got married.
The wedding that took place at Clemson University, USA. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it. It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.
After the wedding, at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation, he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair,
including the wedding party was an envelope.
He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his bride having sex with the bestman.
The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them. After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "F--- you!"
Then he turned to his bride and said,"F--- you!" Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here!"
He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning.
While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong. His revenge--making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members. This guy has balls the size of church bells.
Do you think we might get a MasterCard "Priceless" commercial out of this?...
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends 32,000...
Wedding photographs commemorating the Occasion:
$3,000...
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui: $8,500...
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 glossy of the bride humping the best man:
Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, but for everything else there's MASTERCARD!
Life Is Good As You Make It
So Make It Better...! |
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23 Comments | |
| Marathonman |
Jun 1, 2007 8:28 am
Mood: bouncy, 1391 Views |  |
A woman was having an affair during the day while her husband was at work.
One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.
She yelled at the boyfriend, "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window, my husband's home early!"
The boyfriend looked out the window and said, "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!"
She said, "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!"
So the boyfriend grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!
As he began running down the street, he discovered he had run right in the middle of a town marathon, so he started running along beside the others.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?"
He answered, while gasping for air, "Oh, yes, it feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running."
The other runner then asked the nude man, "Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?"
The nude man answered breathlessly, "Oh, yes, that way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
The runner then asked, "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
His reply: "Only if it's raining!"
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10 Comments | |
| Words of Wisdom |
May 24, 2007 10:53 am
Mood: mischievous, 1654 Views |  | 1.. A day without sunshine is like night.
2.. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
3.. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
4.. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5.. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
6.. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
7.. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
8.. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
9.. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
10.. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
11.. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
12.. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
13.. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
14.. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
15.. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
16.. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
17.. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
18.. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the heck happened?"
19.. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
20.. Life isn't like a box of chocolates; it's
more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your azz tomorrow.
What matters in life is not the length of the Wand but the Magic in the Stick
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20 Comments | |
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