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 | Sometimes I go whole days
listening bored, half sleep
I won't say anything
that's worth a thing to me
One day, suddenly, time
took a turn that once felt so brief
I blinked to see polite ghosts fading quickly
What begins as an unguarded
train of thoughts slowly can become
an addiction to the slumber
of disconnection and the resonance
of memory that no longer has a shape
but keeps you numb through
the hours till gone is another day
Be aware, my darling
these things I say I mean
are just traces of something
I long to feel again
I see our time expand
in the air almost forcibly,
spreading thinner till it dissolves completely
--Half Asleep, by School of Seven Bells
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Purses For Wusses
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Apr 14, 2009 8:46 am
1138 Views
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I was walking around the mall today looking for a birthday gift for my sister-in-law when I noticed a scene that was repeated every so often (I counted about 5 incidents before I gave up) as I gallivanted about—that of young men toting their girlfriends' purses (or shoulder/hand bags) as they went about their business.
Maybe I'm being unfair about this, but I don't get it. Why would a woman want to turn her boyfriend/partner into her own personal assistant and have him carry her purse? For that matter, if she can't carry her own purse, why should she even have one? Is this the way love goes these days? I love you, ergo, I sling your shoulder bag so your pretty little shoulder blades don't get tired? Maybe it's some overhauled version of guy-carrying-girl's-schoolbooks?
It jars my senses when I see some Hip-Hop Guy looking all gangsta fierce lugging his girl's pink floral tote. It makes me wonder if these girls even consider their men's dignity, and why a man would even agree to do something as wussy as that just to prove how much he loves her. Maybe I'm old-school and maybe it's just me, but I like my man looking and acting manly, thank you very much. Making him carry my handbag for me all the time (unless it's because I really need help) and worse, him agreeing to do it just doesn't float my boat. It makes me wonder if the guy is a pushover. And I've never been into pushovers.
So keep your paws off my Kate Spade, Wuss-Boy.
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38
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Word Of The Day
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Apr 11, 2009 6:22 pm
1418 Views
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peen
Main Entry:1peen
Variant:also pean \*p*n\
Function:transitive verb
Inflected Form: -ed/-ing/ -s
Etymology: probably of Scandinavian origin; akin to Norwegian penne to hammer out thin, from penn, n., peen
1 : to draw, bend or flatten (as metal or leather) by hammering with a peen
2 : to work the surface of (metal) by a stream of shot *great improvement has been brought about in the service life of springs by shot peening D.K.Bullens*
3 : to perform an ecstatic dance showcasing the male member
Main Entry:2peen
Variant: or pein also pean \*p*n\
Function: noun
Inflected Form: -s
Etymology: probably of Scandinavian origin; akin to Norwegian penn peen, Swedish pen
1 : the hemispherical, wedge-shaped, or otherwise formed end of the head of a hammer opposite the face, used for bending, indenting, or cutting the material being struck compare BALL PEEN, CROSS PEEN
2 : an ecstatic dance showcasing the male member
I hereby declare today to be the Official Blogsville Peening Day. I mean, heck, if you guys have wet t-shirt contests to get all worked up about, we gals have to have something too, right?
Awright, boys. Start peening. In the manner of Number 3 of Main Entry 1, or Number 3 of Main Entry 2, specifically.
And make it REALLY ecstatic--it IS Easter after all.
(Now ponders which guy us gals will elect to head the Peening Conga Line)
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67
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OK, (Deep Breath) Here It Is -- My Bikini Pic
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Apr 1, 2009 7:17 am
1608 Views
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Well, I never said I was going to be IN it, did I? 
Happy April Fools' Day, everyone! Off to the beaches of Boracay on Friday, and yes, will be wearing that itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow floral Billabong bikini!
And nope, no pics of THAT on here, ever. 
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76
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Oddball Book Titles
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Mar 27, 2009 8:21 am
1181 Views
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The Bookseller/Diagram Prize for Oddest Book Title of the Year, sponsored by The Bookseller magazine, aims to put the spotlight on odd book titles for the edification of the hoi polloi. The winner this year is “The 2009-2014 World Outlook for 60-Milligram Containers of Fromage Frais,” a statistical book report on dairy product cartons. It beat out other contenders such as, “Curbside Consultation of the Colon,” “The Large Sieve and Its Applications,” “Strip and Knit With Style” and “Techniques for Corrosion Monitoring.”
Now, “Strip and Knit With Style,” which I fervently believed would appeal to nude pole dancers armed with nipple pasties and knitting needles, is actually just about knitting, and “stripping” refers to the process of cutting fabrics into strips.
Darn it. Pardon the pun.
According to the article in New York Times--
”The Diagram Prize began in 1978 as a way for Bruce Robertson, co-founder of the Diagram Group, an information and graphics company, to combat his ennui at the Frankfurt Book Fair. That was a bumper year for odd titles — nominees included “100 Years of British Retail Catering” and “50 New Poodle Grooming Styles” — but the runaway winner was “Proceedings of the Second International Symposium on Nude Mice.”
Past winners and contenders for this nonpareil literary award include:
1.“Versailles: The View From Sweden”
2.“Weeds in a Changing World”
3.“Reusing Old Graves”
4.“A Pictorial Book of Tongue Coatings”
5.“Waterproofing Your Child”
6.“Cheese Problems Solved”
7.“People Who Don’t Know They’re Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What To Do About It”
8.“Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Numbers”
9.“How to Avoid Huge Ships”
I reckon I should've nominated “Anal Pleasure and Health.”
And hey, anybody want to buy an autographed copy of “The Merkin Manifesto: How to Thwart a Brazilian?”
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32
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The Parent Trap
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Mar 16, 2009 10:24 am
1609 Views
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Or, the things I know now about parenthood that I didn't know back then when Gerber sold me on the idea that having a cute, chubby bundle of joy cooing at you while you spooned him some pureed peas was the ultimate experience in parental bliss. The dang ad never told me I'd get pureed peas in my hair. The dang ad never told me I'd be making airplane and choo-choo noises till my lips cracked and STILL the baby would stubbornly refuse to open his mouth. The dang ad never told me that cute, chubby bundle of joy was going to grow up and start DEBATING with me over what he felt was a fair penalty over yet another infraction. And here I am sitting in dread still waiting for puberty to hit.
I ought to sue Gerber for false advertisement.
Don't get me wrong, I ADORE my boys, and I wouldn't want to exchange this experience for anything in the world. It's just that nobody ever told me parenting was going to be this involved and this hard and oh-my-God-I-can't-believe-I'm-beginning-to-sound-like-my-mother!!!!
Actually, my mother's constant refrain while all six of us were growing up was, “One of these days you'll have kids and it'll be payback time.” And she said it with such unadulterated glee, too, that you almost expected her to rub her hands together and cackle.
Understanding metaphysics is probably a snap compared to trying to shush a tantrumy toddler hellbent on counting the wine bottles in a floor to ceiling rack in a posh restaurant (parental guilt, if you must know, that made us bring the little *cough* sweetheart along) and is now in full-bore, earsplitting wail just because you sweetly told him while gently holding him back, “No, darling, you can't climb up the lower bottles to count the top bottles.”
So here I am, going on 11 years as a parent, and I still don't quite know if I'm doing the right thing. But I do know now is that when you're a parent, schedules fly out the window, and you find out that:
1.) They will always tell you they need something at the last minute--
Dinner done, it's 8:45 PM, eldest smacking his lips while spooning the last bits of his ice cream. Me feeling relaxed that another day without disaster happening/things breaking/brawl ensuing has passed, when, in my languid state of maternal self-congratulation, eldest suddenly looks up and says, “Did I tell you we need a laboratory grade beaker for our Science experiment tomorrow and that I was appointed by my group to bring it? Otherwise the whole group gets zero.”
*banshee wail by yours truly while hubby bounds out the door to try to get to the mall before it closes in 15 minutes*
2.) They will be needing to get in at the exact time you're doing business in the bathroom--
Youngest: Mommy???
Me (head full of shampoo suds): WHAAAAT???
Youngest: Can I come in?
Me: NO!
Youngest: Pleaaaaaseeee?
Me: WHY???
Youngest: Because I have to poop NOW and there are other people in the other bathrooms!
3.)There's NO such thing as privacy--
Youngest, barging into the bathroom which I somehow forgot to lock, points and laughs at screeching me fumbling for a towel while going, “Hahahahahahahaaaaaaaa!! Mommy's NAKED!!!”
4.)You should probably get plastic furniture till they're of legal age--
Eldest: Moooooom!!! Come see what Andrew did to the Chinese chair!
Me, looking at the wooden backrest of the chair now carved with an island scene, complete with sun, clouds, and coconut trees: ANDREW!!!
Youngest: Sorry, Mommy.
Me, spying a smaller carving at the lower portion of the wooden backrest: And what is THIS???
Youngest: It's a delivery truck.
Me: A delivery truck????
Youngest: Why yes, Mommy—to bring supplies to the island, you know?
5.)Diplomacy is overrated, but bribery always works--
Youngest, in a crowded bookstore: BUT I WANTED THE STRAWBERRY LOLLIPOP, WAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Eldest: Neener, neener, I got it first!!
Youngest: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Me to Eldest: Now come on, be a good big brother and give it to him. You know how to be a good big brother, right?
Eldest, quickly ripping open lollipop, gives it a good hearty suck and then hands it to his brother: Here you go!
Youngest: He already licked it, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Me to youngest, in furious whisper: If you stop crying now Mommy will get you new strawberry lollipops tomorrow and I'll let you read your new comic book tonight.
Lo and behold, the kid's tears dry up like a turned-off tap.
And I'm still thinking, I wuz had.
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76
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Summertime, And My Thoughts Turn To...
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Mar 11, 2009 11:34 pm
1423 Views
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..this one time in college when I probably turned someone off going to the beach for life--
Blabby College Classmate: So like, I got this really cute pink bikini, and it's like, it's so awesome, and I'm going to go to the beach, like, next week, and I'm going to snorkel, and I'm going to sunbathe, and Tom (her boyfriend) is so jazzed about it, and he's like, going to bring his diving gear, and we are just going to be having so much fun for like, FOUR DAYS!!!
Meanie Me: Do you realize that every time you swim in the ocean you're actually dunking yourself in whale pee?
Blabby College Classmate: I think I'm going to be sick.
(And you folks thought I've only started grossing people out when I started blogging...)
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56
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Prophylactic Promos
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Feb 24, 2009 6:36 pm
1894 Views
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I've been hectic lately due to this estate case involving a dead man and the three women in his life, and well, when that's the equation to the problem, you can bet it can get pretty hairy--which is why I haven't been on here much. But lately I came across this little bit of news here in my part of the globe that just had to be shared with everyone else. Ahem:
By Thea Alberto
INQUIRER website
First Posted 17:50:00 02/04/2009
Filed Under: Unemployment, Employment
MANILA, Philippines—Are you married, have “strong knees”, and looking for a job? Try condom testing.
Durex condom is looking for 500 official condom testers in the Philippines. And all you need to do is try out Durex products for four weeks and comment online on their quality.
The first to accomplish the form and give the best answer to the question “What makes me the best Durex Condom Tester?” will win P50,000 cash, plus free products from Durex.
On its website, Durex said applicants have to go to (their Philippine website) and click on the portion that will lead them to (another of their websites) where they can fill out a screener form.
“Chosen applicants will also be given a tester kit which contains a pack of each of the following Durex variants — Love, Pleasuremax, Performa, Fetherlite, Tingle, Strawberry,” Durex said.
Tester kits will be sent to chosen applicants via courier, it said.
Candidates must be 21 to 35 years of age, married, and “experienced.” Participants must also be “open to further training,” have “strong knees,” and “willing to work long hours.”
So guys, wanna give it a try?
You know, I'm just curious as to what sort of "further training" they might have in mind. As for the "strong knees" part, I wonder if Durex will provide an endless supply of that vaunted local aphrodisiac and stamina builder, the balut*? Or do they have to leg press at least 50 pounds or something first??
And dangit, I'm over 35.
*balut is a boiled duck egg with days old duck embryo already formed within
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90
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Bringing Home The Bacon
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Feb 9, 2009 11:18 pm
1920 Views
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Is it just me, or is bacon back again as a food trend du jour, causing collective apoplexy and conniptions to vegetarians and health fanatics everywhere? Consider the latest bacon monstrosity (and I say “monstrosity” with fond affection) ever to hit the annals of cyberspace, the porky feat known as The Bacon Explosion, which I first came across while checking out the New York Times online as I tried to shut off details of a horrid, sordid estate case we're grappling with.
The Bacon Explosion (pictured left) is described as “this massive torpedo-shaped amalgamation of two pounds of bacon woven through and around two pounds of sausage and slathered in barbecue sauce.” The strips of bacon are woven into a mat, then topped with sausage meat, THEN topped with crisply fried bacon bits before being rolled tight, doused with barbecue sauce, then baked or grilled. It has at least 5,000 calories and 500 grams of fat--can someone say “angioplasty?” But hey, when I'm already 90 and ready to go, my euthanasia option would definitely have to be this. Sure beats a sleeping pill cocktail any time.
Another bacony trend coming to the fore is the use of these savory strips of fatty meat as part of dessert. Don't believe me? Here's a recipe courtesy of Chefs John Shook and Vinny Dotolo of Los Angeles' Animal restaurant, which was featured in a video at the Time website:
Bacon Chocolate Crunch Bar:
4 lb. gianduja chocolate
1 lb. peanut butter
8 oz. praline paste
4 cups feuillitine (or chopped-up cornflakes)
1½ tsp. sea salt
1 lb. bacon
Combine the chocolate, peanut butter and praline paste in a double boiler and melt over low heat.
Stir in the feuillitine and salt.
Spread the chocolate mixture evenly on a large pastry sheet and refrigerate until solid.
Cut the chocolate into strips.
Brunoise the bacon (dice it really small) and cook in a pan until it's almost burned. Transfer it to a paper towel to soak up some of the fat.
Using a crème brûlée torch, quickly heat the top of the chocolate strips to soften. Cover the top with bacon.
For $3.99, all you porky fanatics can also order J&D's Bacon Flavored Lip Balm. (Kiss me! I taste like Miss Piggy!) And for $2.90, you can hang Funky Fresh's Bacon Air Freshener in your car just in time for Valentine's Day. (Oooooo, baby, don't you just feel turned on by the smell of meat frying?)
Me? I love crisply fried bacon strips sandwiched between peanut butter slathered toasted white bread. And yep, I just might be related to Elvis.
Soooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
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80
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The Relationship Guru, Vol. 1
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Feb 3, 2009 5:19 am
2392 Views
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Starting today, an FF blog column for all of your relationship related inquiries, ably addressed by me, THE Relationship Guru. Keep those letters coming, folks. I tell it like I see it, and how!
Dear Relationship Guru,
My boyfriend slobbers a lot when we kiss, so much so it feels like I'm doing tongue hockey with a rabid Labrador. Please advise.
Dribbled At In Des Moines
Dear Dribbled,
It might help if you shove a couple of those cotton wads they put in your cheeks while at the dentist's, or better yet, get one of those suction hoses they hang in there while you're having a root canal.
If that doesn't work, have him swallow a bath sponge.
Sincerely,
The Relationship Guru
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92
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Thing A Thong
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Jan 28, 2009 4:37 pm
2497 Views
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I'll let you in on a little secret. I love reading the Dear Abby advice column, if only because I like the common sense approach she has when she gives her take on an issue, and I've seen her grapple with a few tough ones. Plus, she's open to feedback and opposing opinions, which I find refreshing. (The column, originally by Pauline Phillips, is now run by her daughter Jeanne)
Now, her latest entry pertained to the propriety of girls wearing thongs, entitled, "To Thong or Not To Thong: Thousands Enter Debate," where someone asked for her opinion regarding the matter, and readers were then asked to vote Thongs Up or Thongs Down. One reply, which I shall reproduce in full here, had me in stitches--
DEAR ABBY: I vote thongs up. My manicurist's mother -- a woman in her 80s -- recently moved in with her. While doing her mother's laundry, she came across a thong. Shocked, she said, "Mom!" Her mother replied, "I'm not dead yet." -- CAROL IN BURLINGTON, VT.
Am I the only sicko here who thinks this absolutely hilarious? Now I keep thinking of Estelle Getty in the Golden Girls wearing a fiery red lacy one underneath her granny skirt.
Dangit, that is just SO wrong on so many levels. But heck, check on me 40 years hence--I just might be wearing a g-string while having my oatmeal mush. And hopefully I'm still alive and kicking then and I can still bend over to put the bloody thing on.
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100
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To link to this blog (MunchkinMatron2) use [blog MunchkinMatron2] in your messages.
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