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Blogs > Mrs_CIGAR > Happy NAILS to you!!! > Aug 4, 2008
Happy NAILS to you!!!
  
This is my happy place.
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What I really want.... Aug 4, 2008 6:44 am
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Is to go back to Maine, do nails, and pretend the last 8 years of my life never happened.

My son got married a couple of weeks ago. It was real nice. Pirate themed and alot of fun. My ex was there. It got embarrassing a couple of times and my kids were mortified because my ex just would NOT get off my tail. That man didn't pay that much attention to me while we were married. What was his problem???? His new wife was there and she's a real nice lady. I felt so bad for her and finally told the ex he should pay a little attention to her. Later that evening we were crossing the grass and I said it was nice to see her. She just looked at me and said something unrelated. "I'm alright. You two had a long history." At that moment, had it not been my son's wedding I would have gone and cold cocked my ex.

I don't hate the guy. I really don't. And you could see that people were very nervous about us being in the same room together. I didn't have a problem with that but he was waaaaaaaaaay too attentive to me. I don't want him back. But later our kids all independently said "It's so obvious Dad is still in love with you." My brother and his wife asked if I wanted them to talk to him about leaving me alone. My Hubby offered to call him out at fifty paces with their plastic pistols and swords. Yikes.

I'm proud of my son. He looked very handsome dressed like Captain Morgan and the bridesmaids were all dressed as tavern wenches. Fun fun fun. But the bride was stunning. She's grown up alot in the last year. Beautiful. She wrote me a sweet little letter that will be the first page of the memory album. It was the first time I have been in the same room with all three of my children at the same time in over 10 years.

Where did the time go?
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And now a word from God.... Aug 4, 2008 6:30 am
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So I talked to my sister-in-law yesterday because I have been so out of sorts because of some personal issues. Any one thing that's going on would be enough for my tiny mind to get wrapped around but I got alot of things in my pan that I'm trying to fry at the moment.

I'll be going to work in about an hour. That's enough to twist my guts up. But over the weekend I got a letter from an Aunt (my mother's sister) that really tore me up. And by the evening I really needed to talk to someone. The Hubby and I were kind of avoiding each other because we have been bringing up a subject that both of us are afraid to say things out loud about. Moving back to Maine.

But my sister-in-law had read a new book about seeking God's guidance and asking permission when you have something you want to do, like....say.... walking the dog. No joke. Asking God's permission to walk your dog. I thought she was going somewhere with it as it pertained to the things that were on my mind. It wasn't until after 15 minutes of her going on and on and on, and then saying she had to go check dinner that I realized I should have asked God for permission to chat with her. It might have gone better.

It wasn't until late last night that I guess she got back online and finally realized what I had said when she asked what was on my mind and why I was feeling so unsettled. I woke up this morning to pages of offlines about how what is going on is probably my fault. Yeah. Maybe. I don't know. I hear that alot. Which is why I don't talk to people about what is on my mind. I blog it all out here and try to go on with my day.

Girls need to talk. It's what we do. We talk about it and then we are done. We can talk in circles and get nowhere but feel better after we have had a friend to listen to us.

I just want to be heard. That's all. I don't care what happens after that. It's this feeling that I am all alone that makes me scream inside constantly.

I think that the worst part of my job isn't so much that management has asked me to do things that I have found out not only can't be done but are against company policy is because they have less of a clue about what my job description entails than I do. But what is painful day in and day out is that I am literally in a locked cage and no one can enter it. They have to stand outside a door and not cross an imaginary line for fear of being recorded on cam. I can't talk to anyone. My work area is watched on closed circuit TV. I am frequently asked why so-and-so was in my area. We cannot have cell phones in the store. I can't see anyone. It's all voices on the phone to people who's jobs are to find a way NOT to take an item back and my job is to find a way to get credit back from them anyway.

These companies are not stupid. They know we haven't been open for business. For the last month I have been dealing with trying to return items that were damaged by store employees while stocking the store. That ain't part of the credit/return deal and everybody knows it. But I get pressured about how I am causing the store to lose money because I'm not forceful enough with the people on the phone. ('Scuse me, Management, have YOU read the Integrity Policy you required me to sign under penalty of being fired for lying???????) Have you thought about just making the employees that were playing catch with the light bulbs pay for them? They decided to do a display in the store with some garden blocks. Looks real nice. But that, in my mind, is a store expense. They paid for the blocks to make the display. But then brought me the broken remains and I had to find a way to convince the vendors that they were broken in shipment and get credit for the pieces that were broken or left over.

I blew my gasket the other day because a manager had opened my cage and was letting people run willy nilly through the tool boxes with no supervision, which are MY responsibility and I am accountable for each and every tool. The guy kind of looked at me, said I was nuts if I thought that was never going to happen again, but he liked my 'passion'. WHAT??? PASSION???? I call it being a flaming bitch. And what about those closed circuit cameras??? When I went to the Loss Prevention Guy and asked to see the video of exactly who was in the tool boxes so I could retrieve the tools for inventory I was told that the camera is only on when I am in there, and the other shifts can come and go as they please.

All this reminds me of a little saying that I know people are familiar with:
"We, the few, who have done so much with so little for so long can now do virtually everything with absolutely nothing."

I'm supposed to do everything and be responsible for everything without training, or the support of management.

Damn, they must think I am good.

Maybe I should have asked God for permission to work at this place.
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