| Longing................................ |
May 9, 2008 6:58 am
Mood: empty, 65 Views | I look around me and see only a dry existence. But there is a PLACE. In my heart and where my heart will always be. And when I close my eyes I see that place. I feel the breezes and I step outside, into sun that warms my skin and doesn't scorch it. I know that just a short distance that way is water. The other way is mountains, high up where the air is cooler. Sky blue is really the color of the crayon in the box. Clouds do drift. Neighbors do speak to you. At night the air is cool enough that you welcome the touch of the person lying next to you in bed.
Day 51 of Califonia Round 8.
I've ruined it for him. He will never be content here now, and to go back to Maine will never be the same for me because I cannot ask him to go with me.
It's all lost. All of it. I miss him and I miss US. I miss the simple life. I miss the simple man I made a life with in a very simple place. | |
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1 comment | |
| Longing................................ |
May 9, 2008 6:57 am
Mood: empty, 64 Views | I look around me and see only a dry existence. But there is a PLACE. In my heart and where my heart will always be. And when I close my eyes I see that place. I feel the breezes and I step outside, into sun that warms my skin and doesn't scorch it. I know that just a short distance that way is water. The other way is mountains, high up where the air is cooler. Sky blue is really the color of the crayon in the box. Clouds do drift. Neighbors do speak to you. At night the air is cool enough that you welcome the touch of the person lying next to you in bed.
Day 51 of Califonia Round 8.
I've ruined it for him. He will never be content here now, and to go back to Maine will never be the same for me because I cannot ask him to go with me.
It's all lost. All of it. I miss him and I miss US. I miss the simple life. I miss the simple man I made a life with in a very simple place. | |
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0 Comments | |
| Don't read this if you don't like Crybabies. |
May 5, 2008 6:58 am
124 Views | At what point should someone make a sacrifice for the sake of themselves?
Let's be honest. California is the place I did NOT want to be for oh so many reasons. And my Hubby has known this from about the third time we ever talked.
I'm on meds that make sun time dangerous. But I try. More than 10 minutes and I blister and break out in a rash. So since landing here I have tried to limit my sun time to five minutes to build up slowly because I know the time is coming when I will have to be out in the sun for an extended time and I don't want to end up in an emergency room. I use the strongest sunblock I can on my face because I can't avoid sun there no matter what.
Heat just kills me. So I am a night person. I feel like that family that they call vampires because they only come out at night.
This is an agricultural state in general and in particular where we are living. So there is constant dirt in the air. And I cough all night. We have hypoallergenic filters in the AC ducts and short of wearing a mask full time I don't know what else to do.
Hubby knew all this and more. When he wanted to leave Maine because he hates the snow I was willing but said "Please, anywhere but Central California. I'll go anywhere but there." I understand about not loving, or at least liking, where you live. And I understand about even if you like where you live sometimes it's not good for you and you have to go. But I guess he thought that I was exggerating.
Yesterday, I stood in shock then in tears because we were on the motorcycle for a 'short ride' which turned out to be over three hours. My face blistered. My eyes were flowing like a river and I couldn't stop coughing. Unfortunately he got disoriented on the road and was heading in a direction he didn't mean to and when I offered my advice about what direction I thought we were heading in he got snippy. So I said "I'll just ride back here and keep my mouth shut."
Next thing I know he has whipped into a parking lot, ripped off his helmet and is screaming at me. I was mute because I was waiting for him to get to the point of the tirade. I wanted to die. People were watching. At least he had the decency to park us in the shade before he launched on me.
It's not my fault I can't live comfortably here and he knew that before he brought us here. I want to go home, but he likes it here. He hates snow so I won't ask him to go back. He loves these flat roads because he can blast down them on the motorcycle like a madman but having me with him holds him back. He is still officiating at ballgames, but I don't go because out here it seems you are supposed to be sunworshipping every hour of the day and there is no such thing as trees around the fields, so I can't go. He thinks I am not supportive of him.
I don't make a habit of sharing my thoughts and feelings about living here with him because I can see how joyous he is about the weather (so far) So I sometimes talk to my sister in law online and pour my heart out. Good idea, right???? Well not when I have left my messenger on and she pops up while he's scheduling a game and asks me if I am planning to go back to Maine. Imagine my surprise when I am sitting on the toilet and he bursts into the bathroom telling me we have to have a talk.
So I talked. And he didn't like anything I had to say.
I hate California. It has always been the death of everything to me. It is haunted and uncomfortable. And now it's killing my marriageas well. Sure didn't take long.
I have left this state multiple times. In 77 I joined the Air Force and volunteered for anywhere on the East Coast or overseas and got sent back 30 minutes from where I grew up. After two years I managed to get an overseas assignment which was HEAVEN but because of the program I was in was retrieved back to California. Got myself another assigment and cross trained and went back overseas, but met and married a man that got us assigned back to California. We went overseas again, but were sent back to California. He got out of the service and moved us to the Southern California desert. 8 years of that and finally I moved to Maine where he was supposed to come along but he didn't. So I lived there alone. Cooler temps, shorter summers, extremely short pollen season, and for once in my life I became like a normal person. I hadn't used an inhaler for 7 years. I didn't need as many meds so I could actually go out in the sun. And there were trees everywhere so when I met Hubby #3 I could go watch his games and sit in the shade.
I loved my little life back there. I want to go home. But even if he went with me it would never be the same because I will always feel guilty. So if I go I will be going alone. Again. | |
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3 Comments | |
| Oh geezums, I'm back again |
Apr 30, 2008 2:15 pm
154 Views | Well ain't I just prolific as all get out today?
I'm taking a respite from the job hunting extravaganza guilt-free. Not even looking. Been there done that 20 times a day for the last 4 weeks. I'm on cruise control. Laid out in the sun. Read a few blogs. Made a few phone calls and just pampering myself. Shut off the TV. Walked the dog. Would have eaten a few bon bons but I don't have any. Started dinner already so that Hubby and I can eat early then I'm going to find someway to entertain him tonight. I have not been a good wife lately, I don't think. Too self-absorbed. It's going to be ALL ABOUT HIM tonight. If he wants to play checkers, I'm alright with that. If he wan't me to just shut up so he can watch Jim Rome, I'm all about that. If he wants to play............... nevah mind.
So I'm reviewing my life. God is good to me. Even when I don't want Him to be or think He is. Even those things that hurt seem to always be for my own betterment. This entire move to California was against my selfish wishes and in looking back I have not been very kind about it. In my passive-agressive way I think I've been a total turd to my husband. I need to stop that right now.
Something that happened during this move is this (it's not interesting, really) I lost something. After landing here I have torn apart every box, looked in every cranny, resorted, retraced and not found what I was looking for. I think what happened is this thing I prized so highly that I took the time to pack separately and hand carry got left behind in a hotel room either in Pennsylvania, Kentucky, Kansas or New Mexico. I've called the hotels where we stayed and nothing. But it ain't here. So there is one thing left for me to do...........
LET GO.
It's a piece of needlework that took me over two years to complete. Hardanger. Intense stuff. Look it up on the web. I started it on a journey to Cape May, New Jersy back in 1990 when my son was graduating from the Coast Guard there. It took me a couple of years to complete even though there were times I worked on it 10 hours a day. I wasn't done with it by the time I moved to Maine in 2001. It represented something to me. And now it is gone. That's alright. Because what it really represents is that I had nothing else to do with my life for two stinking years. Why was I holding on so tightly to that??? I have tried to create other pieces in the last few years but never got finished with them. Always got distracted and ended up just piling them in a box for safe keeping which I threw out when purging for this move to California. Now the absolute last piece of my useless past has vanished. I suppose I should be glad it is gone.
But it is BEAUTIFUL and I hope that who ever has it now is enjoying it and understands that there was alot of work that went into it. Yes, I hope someone has it. I hope that I left it in a hotel room and that a nice cleaning woman found the box it was in and after the month that passed and it was unclaimed that she took it home and covered a table or dresser with it. I hope that on some holiday she uses it for a centerpiece and cherishes it. I hope it stays in her family. It has been back and forth across the continent a few times during it's creation and it kept me from going insane. But you know what??? I never put it out to be seen. I never used it in the way it was meant to be used. It was always in a box and hidden. Like I was during the time I was stitching it. Put away and never seen.
So. I'm letting go. And I have too much to do now to even start a new one.
God, I love life!!!! | |
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2 Comments | |
| Holy Hannah.................... |
Apr 30, 2008 1:43 pm
133 Views | So I had some time to kill and I tiptoed through a couple of blogs I used to follow just to try to catch up. My oh my. FUnny how you feel in some ways that you know some of these people and when you read about their comings and goings you just want to invite them over, have a glass of wine, and just talk.
When you discover that you really did NOT know someone, it can shift the axis of the world you are rotating on. I find there are generally two types of people online. Those that come out of their shell and reveal themselves as they really are and those that crawl into the shell of the person they want to be. There's no way to tell. Not really. And when you catch someone being a pretender it causes you to look at others with a tainted view.
Like being a liar. The worst part of being a liar is not so much that no one believes what you say. (Most of the time they do - at first) but it's that you can never believe what anyone else is saying. You don't trust anyone else because you yourself can't be trusted.
I won't mention any names, but if the people to whom I am referring to in such a round about way ever pop in here to read my blog, you have my sympathies and my allegiances. Please, when you are all better from this, go on to be the person you have always been and don't let this change who you are. The wounds will run deep and last a long long time but you have alot of friends here (as evidenced by the comments.)
We all have been, or will be where you are. I wish you the best. | |
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| Passing up an opportunity..... |
Apr 30, 2008 12:46 pm
Mood: energetic, 140 Views | So I guess I just don't know what I am missing by not jumping on this new 'colon cleanse' rage. Or selling my old gold for cash. I don't need to 'enlarge' anything. And I don't need a great quote on car insurance.
Why, oh why, do I even check my email??? I'm wondering if people really make money on these internet spam-scam-schemes? And who are the people that fall for them? I decided that I would respond to one, put their address on the 'blocked senders' list and just email them once a minute for an hour or two asking why they are not responding to my email and telling them that time is running out.
Oh I finally got my California driver's license yesterday. That was actually easier than I expected because I was still in the system from the last time I lived here so it was just a renewal. But while I was waiting I was watching the announcements on the screen in Spanish. Hmmm. I understand alot more than I thought I did. I wasn't being nosey, but I was watching the young lady at the counter as she dealt with each customer and listening to her go back and forth between Spanish and English. It amazes me. I wonder what language she dreams in. And does she formulate her thoughts in one language and then speak in a different one or does she think in both. These are the things I occupy my brain with.
That, and Sudoku. Ever work those puzzles? I'm hooked.
I guess I am going to have to resign myself that I will need to spend my husband's hard earned money to get myself re-licensed to do nails in the State of California. I've had a license here before and even owned a salon. I am currently licensed in the State of Maine. But California says I have been gone too long and need to take the tests again. That's fine. But I can't get the study materials unless I enroll in a school, and the school wants money. Fair enough.
Since coming back here I have been ASTOUNDED in the nail art I see walking around. I think that's part of my frustration. I know how to do that and in most cases I do much better work. It's what I want from the bottom of my heart to do, but aside from the money there are a couple of drawbacks. I need a chunk of money to get started again because I couldn't transport volatile materials across country and without a current state license I can't purchase good quality materials. I won't use inferior products that are commonly sold to the public in beauty supply stores. My apartment complex will evict us if I am caught doing a business in my home and the State of California will never allow me to become licensed again at any point in the future if for any reason someone should turn me in. Dilema dilema. And if we were to buy a home like we are planning and I do nails in my own home and charge but am not licensed, how do I account for that on my taxes? Because, as my children will tell you, I am a big goody two shoes when it comes to stuff like that and I DON"T cheat the government.
What to do? What to do? | |
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1 comment | |
| There's got to be a way to make a living..... |
Apr 28, 2008 9:49 am
Mood: frustrated, 155 Views | Uploading a resume to a job hunting site is not a good idea. Unless of course you are lonely. Or have tons to waste on scams and schemes. I'm not and I don't.
Who are these cats that I get mail from asking me why I haven't responded to their previous emails when it's the first time I have ever heard of them? What gets fun sometimes is to search their names and read what comes up about them and almost everyone refers to an internet rip off site that exposes scams if you search hard enough. It's kind of fun, really.
I especially like the ones that are computer generated. It's so funny. I responded about ten times to one that asked for a typing sample and intentionally made multiple errors - different each time - just to see what bounces back. Of course it's the same response over and over about how glad they are to hear back from me, can see my apititude, and have been desperate because I am the only candidate that even remotely matches their requirements, but I however match EVERYTHING and they were afraid of losing contact with me. For crying out loud it's for a job that requires absolute accuracy in typing. Such a hoot. I wonder if there's a way to make a living off these things???? LOLOL!
The hunt for a job continues. . . . . Anything that could turn out to be a long term connection goes through internet agencies and don't want direct contact because it wastes their time. Anything you can find just walking through a mall is not appealing because just looking at the faces of the clerks and cashiers as they fumble blindly for an application let's me know that the first requirement is to lose 50-75 IQ points and let my jaw hang slightly, to the left. Another requirement for most store clerk jobs also appears to require facial piercings and, damn, I just can't get an appoint for ten of those.
The hunt for a job continues. . . . .Calling a company is not a good idea to do early in the morning. 'The person you should talk to is not in yet.' Not a good idea in the late morning/early afternoon. 'The person you need to talk to has just gone to/ not returned from lunch.' Not a good idea to call in late afternoon. 'The person you need to talk to has left early for the day.' Not a good idea on Monday. 'The person you need to talk to called in sick." Not a good idea on a Friday. 'The person you need to talk to has left early on vacation.'
The hunt for a job continues. . . . . Emailing a company directly is also not a good idea. Email contact addresses have turned out to be 1) not the person responsible for hiring or interviews, 2) not the right department, 3)auto-replied with 'Out of Office', or 4) just bounced back by the mailer daemon.
The hunt for a job continues. . . . . | |
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| Updating the life....... |
Apr 28, 2008 9:44 am
188 Views | I have once again been transplanted to yet another state where I am told that this will be my home forever and ever. But I'm not holding my breath. Maybe I will maybe I won't. But if the tide turns I will be going out on it otherwise I will be stranded on the shore. What I want most in the world is a job. Not so much a paycheck, or a 'career'. A job. Something that NEEDS to be done so I can do it and everyone else's life will be better/easier for it. Unfortunately, I am now old, everything I am licensed and qualified to do in other states is not legal for me to do in whatever state I happen to be in at any given moment and I usually have to spend a fortune getting legal in my current state, only to have someone come home and say "Guess what, Honey!!! I'm so excited! We are moving!!"
yay
I am - a perpetual student. 9 times out of 10 I already know more than the instructor for whatever the hell course I am taking because I've done it already. Those that can do, those that haven't teach. What hurts me in this vast gathering of certifications, licenses, and experience is that no matter where I am my certs are not recognized unless I spend more money. Ummmm, I don't have money 'cause I can't seem to find anyone hiring except for Starbucks these days. I want a job.
Now I am transplanted to a state that has thrown another rock in my path. I need to learn to speak spanish. Ok. Can do. Will. Then will probably be relocated in the far northeast where the other common language is French. I shoulda paid more attention in highschool.
So what does a person who is slightly over average intelligence, multifaceted and exprienced do to make a buck? No no no, I don't have a smart ass answer for that. I'm asking the question.................WHAT DO I DO?????
For now I guess I will continue to tan on a daily basis and try to pass for an ethnicity other then my own so I can get a job. Maybe check that 'other' box when it asks for my race (although that information will not be used to disqualify me) Yeah, right. My name does not reflect my true heritage. It's 'ethnic', I'll put it that way. So I go into interviews and people are shocked at how lily white I am. I gotta give credit though to the ones that can look me in the face and say "'Right now we are filling quotas that reflect the ethnic make-up and demographics of this area." QUE????????????
Let's talk about DMV. I don't like DMV. I just want to drive my car. I studied the handbook. "Appointments are recommended". I went, I tried to find a book written in English. I searched, I asked, I used sign language and couldn't get a driver's handbook in English. Meanwhile the walk-ins just cruised on ahead of me getting their 'valid California ID'. I have been licensed to drive for over 30 years in multiple states (remember I already told you I am old) And I have to take a driving road test. For some reason this is scarier than when I tested at the ripe age of 16. Not because I am afraid I will fail, but because I know there are alot more idiot drivers out there than when I was a kid. Back then we took it a little more seriously. We earned it. It wasn't a given. No one got their license even when they couldn't drive because it would bruise their self esteem. You didn't demonstrate good driving skills - you didn't get your license. Period. With one exception I have never had a problem. And it was my own stupidity. Icy bridges and people from warm climates don't mix well in the first year. That's all I'm saying about that.
Kids. I've got 3 really good ones. I gave up 20 years of productivity in the eyes of the world to turn out 3 children who have:
1) Never been stopped by a cop.
2) Never been involved with drugs.
3) Never been on state assistance.
4) Never had kids of their own while still kids themselves.
5) Never moved back home to live with me.
6) Never run up credit cards or filed bankruptcy.
7) 2 have served their country and 1 works herself silly.
 Graduated with real diplomas and on time.
9) Have no plans to go on Jerry Springer.
I'm not manager material apparently because I demand accountability and responsibility. My kids are proof. I was actually told that I would not be able to manage problem employees because I don't have experience with problem children. NOT true. LOTS of the neighbor's kids were problems for me. I just didn't put up with stupid shit from my own kids. I put up with problem adults. That's my real strength.
Parents. We all got them. Mine is a problem. I have now become the parent or my mother. There will be much to read about that in future posts.
Siblings. Most of us have them. 2 of us turned out fairly normal. 1 is screwed in the head and has been wired wrong from birth. Actually he kind of takes after our mother. Both of them are total historical revisionists. They can rewrite a truth on the fly faster than broadband internet downloads a spam site. That is a contributing factor to my spending most of my life in exile from my home state. I am now back in the state of my birth and as suspected I have had to go on a search and destroy mission to kill the demons from my past. My current husband (#3 to be exact) has been pretty much speechless. He has learned that my silence about my family has been a self-protective mechanism all these years and that what little he DID know before coming here pales in comparison to what he has learned since. He now knows I am damaged goods and knows why I threw up a time or two when I learned we were coming back here. He might even suspect that I deliberately deflated the tires on the moving van while we were crossing Ohio. Don't know for sure. But I swear it wasn't me.
Good Brother and I have reconnected which has scared the crap out of the Mother. All the things she told me about him and why I should never talk to him again have proven false. And I do mean ALL of them. Turns out he had a list of reasons she gave him why he should never talk to me again either. Nice Mom, eh? We have spent years in turmoil thinking we were psychologically disturbed for believing we remembered things from out past in a negative way. Boy howdy, when we finally got together and started spilling the beans and confirming for each other that what we remembered really did happen the way we remembered it, you could hear the panic in the Mother's voice. Lord help me I am enjoying her panic. God knows we lived with panic damn near all our childhood.
Oh look at the time! Gotta run! | |
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| These are the days................... |
Dec 8, 2007 3:39 am
857 Views | These are the days I knock myself around for being such a crybaby and whiner.
I have been communicating with a long lost friend from California. Well, not communicating exactly, but getting posts and updates about her husband with sever cancer. THe last I saw her she was a young, sweet, golden voiced soprano singing in church. She had a new baby that she wasn't quite sure even how to hold. I trooped along with her to Dr appts with the baby, and was the one to tell her that when the circumcision ring hadn't fallen off by the second week that there was a problem. I would sit with her while she cried because she didn't know how to clean house, but didn't want anyone to come in and take care of it for her. She figured it out for herself and that's what she wanted even though I wanted nothing in the world more than to tell her to go take a nap while I did it for her. No no.
Must be ten years that went by after I moved from there when I got an email from her. I didn't know she even had my address. It was more of a group info letter informing us that her wonderful husbad had cancer spreading from his thyroid, to his hip and several places in between. Too young.
Here she is now, managing the house, TWO kids now, hospitals, doctors, and a husband so radioactive he is in isolation in his own home for the danger of the radiation levels he gives off. She's doing it all and then some.
And I'm sitting here whining cause I owe the IRS money and and can't afford Christmas gifts this year. She just feels priviledged that she will have her husband in the back room of her house for one more Christmas.
Where are my priorities??? | |
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1 comment | |
| Nothing like forgetting your password. |
Nov 20, 2007 3:59 am
947 Views | Ok. So it's only been about 7 weeks or so. Seems like longer than that.
The new job sucked. All I wanted to do was WORK and get a paycheck but corporate America seems to be all about meetings so everyone can be informed, although it leaves no time to actually do the things you learned about in the meetings. GADS, the civilian work world is strange. I could go on and on and on about why I gave notice after two weeks, why I gave it again after being asked to stay, and why I gave it the third time and turned in my security badge. I really miss the gals I worked with but two of them are still coming for nails and that's good. Another one quit after 3 weeks and one cries everyday while she works because she wants to quit but has a son and needs the money. Let's just say that NO ONE needs 6 bosses. No one. I guess we all thought that being hired as temps for one specific purpose meant we would be able to do the job while everyone else did..............whatever............
but they wanted to drag us around to show us how hard their job is. Might not have been so hard if they didn't go to 3 hour long meetings a day, take their breaks, their lunches, and 'stretch moments'. What is a 'stretch moment' anyway?????
Stay in your cubicle, People, and turn out some work!!!!
Let's see, for Halloween, we had a work stoppage for an hour and a half while everyone who was dressed in a costume could go from floor to floor, cubicle to cubicle, and pass/receive candy (I have never seen so many fat people consume so much candy) and being diabetic, this was not my idea of fun. Even though I did not dress up or bring candy I was not allowed to work while the others played. Someone at our sister site in Tennessee had a birthday, so for two hours, we had a work stoppage while a cake was brought to OUR site so we could conference call with Tennessee and everyone could have cake for that other person's birthday. Pure sugar. And caffeine - LOTS of caffeine. Three of us snuck back to our cubicles and started working. One of the many bosses then had the nerve to tell me I am anti-social because I don't devour sweets and look for reasons to socialize and not work. I had to tell her I wasn't there for socialization. I was there to do a temporary job and get a paycheck. ANTISOCIAL, my ass. I just socialized on my lunch break.
Thanksgiving is just a couple of days away. We will go to Hubby's family's again this year. I have half a mind to show up emptyhanded because last year we came home with everything I cooked and took up there because, well - I am not from around here, so one of his brothers who is an declared that people from Maine don't eat 'that stuff'. Ok. I'm sorry bread pudding, crab-stuffed mushrooms, home made cranberry sauce, shrimp mousse and crackers, and green bean cassarole are foreign food to some people, but what really got my goat is that because Brother declared the food off limits no one dared to even sample it. Bite me.
My son arrived home from Iraq 5 days ago. I am sure at some point he will call me. I am sick of everyone sending me pics, calling me after he has left their house to tell me how good he looks. I guess if he wants to talk to me he will and I will wait my turn. I am heartbroken because I looked at his MySpace account the other day and read his post about how his step-Dad is his hero, he loves his sister, adores his neice. Yes I am crying. I never even got an honorable mention. But I am his mother. And as soon as he stops to call me all will be forgiven because - that's what mother's do. He looks great though. No bumps or bruises that I can see from the pictures. What else really matters? Nothing.
Ever want to see yourself through other people's eyes? What do they really think of you?
I guess it really shocked me to have someone tell me to my face that I am anti-social. That I am hard and in-flexible and judgemental. No wonder my son hasn't called me yet. Before you say that I could call him, no I can't. I don't have his phone number. | |
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| To link to this blog (Mrs_CIGAR) use [blog Mrs_CIGAR] in your messages. |
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