| inspired by Ari's post |
Jun 15, 2008 12:34 pm
453 Views | I wasn't gonna post this, but after reading Ari's post, I decided to pull up the letter of my own I wrote to my dad when he was still with us. Here goes...ahem...
Dear Ahmad,
I no longer call you father or dad, or baba in Arabic. I haven't for a while, for this, there are many reasons. When I needed your guidance, you were more interested in guiding a senseless jihadi operation rather than helping me along my path and eluminating my darkest hours. Even after the start of the war, when I was young, impressionable, and without comfort, still you did not come. You left me to face my fears, maybe not such a bad thing, but with no direction. I suffered at your own hands for years, as did the family. Mom lived in great fear of you, hense, the reason she never left. But you left. Or were you ever there? Did you ever really leave? You left the house, yes, but you left our lives when you first knew us. Was it me? Were things different before I was born? Did you mean to have me? Was my existance due to another one of your uncontroled impulses? How long were you a terrorist? Before I knew you? Before I was even here? Before I was even in your wildest imagination? Was there ever a time where you cared? Where you had a heart? Where you could feel? Did you ever know how? I have many questions that will never be answered. You come into my mind at night at times. I sometimes stay up and wait for you to change your mind. To come home. Maybe you are yearning to see me. Do I keep you up? Am I in your mind at night? Do you think of me and wonder where I am? If I'm in the same place you left me last? I'm still here. Still waiting for you to come back into my life, and somehow be different. I hold much resentment to you, but yet, I long for even one more moment, one more day, just to see if we hold any chance at all, to build something...anything...a relationship of some kind, at very least a friendship, so we can stop hating each other? Do you hate me? Words I wanna say to you flow into my mind like endless rivrs at night, but as I'm writing to you, my mind and heart are empty. We had very few positive and pleasant moments between us, so forgive and excuse my bitterness toward you. But the amount of time you were around me compared to the amount of time you have been away from us leaves me with little to remember. Some things will never change although we would love to see them differently. I love you, I hate you, I want u to come back to me, I never wanna see your face again, I want you to get what you have coming to you, I want to protectyou from all that is harmful, I want to give you what you never gave me all these years. So many mixed emotions, yet there are times I still want you back in my life. How do you see now? Have I became what you thought I would? Did you ever believe in me? Will you ever? These are things left for me to ponder should we never cross paths again.
Kassam
(original letter written in Arabic) | |
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2 Comments | |
| ah nothin' |
Jun 13, 2008 7:45 pm
514 Views | | it asks u what u wanna call ur blog so I put nothin'. just hot, and bored and wanna post. lanka lost her money card today...not cool for when we go home, but hey...carma is carma. I didn't say that ok? well it's off to administer first aid...1 of the soldiers over here hurted his poor wittle handie...aw. ahahahahahahehehe I'm such a softie! | |
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1 comment | |
| allahu akhbar! |
Jun 11, 2008 6:36 am
Mood: random, 522 Views | Hahahe!
No real reason for the title of this post, just felt like naming it. So here ya goes! We woke up late today, we had an eating engagement but thats later on. Plus I gotta go later and pick up some gifts for the soldiers here for putting me up all this time, what do u get them...seriously...ok heres a perfect opportunity for my American friends to give me some tips....what do u get the troops...hmmm...I'll leave u with that to ponder...Well I gotta say something islamic in this post seeing as I called it allahu akhbar, so me gonna go pray now hahahehe...no really, I am...btw llanka's still with me, I'll keep ya posted...till next time...
ALLAHU AKHBAR!!! | |
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2 Comments | |
| Ari Fairy? Arri Fairy? |
Jun 8, 2008 9:56 pm
Mood: confused, 645 Views | | I'm confused. 2 users on here with different ages, different blogs, yet similar names. is someone copying someone else? I've been away for a while, anyone wanna fill me in? salamz! | |
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10 Comments | |
| need to post |
Jun 5, 2008 9:20 am
661 Views | wow. I cant remember the last time I felt this low. everything seems to fall apart all in the same month. well hi all. I guess this is the new me. I don't hold my face too high these days, actually I come down on myself pretty hard. Not thinking much of me right now... it's gonna take some time for me to get back to where I was but I'll get there inshallah (god willing). well seeya. salam (peace)
hahahe I'm gonna start teachin' arabic here. | |
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7 Comments | |
| bullchit |
Jun 4, 2008 12:52 pm
683 Views | | I'm done. I asked the admin of the other site to take me off. I don't have time to deal with little insulting children. all the people who believe in me are here. Ari, Misty, Bruce, Carolyn, Diane, Mary...especially Mary lately...I'm comin' back guys...no more leavin...Kassers will no longer stray...hahahaha! Iraqi's in the house! and bye bye to childish little idiots who play fecking mind games. please please stay off that damn site and let it all go to hell like it already is. correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't a support group supposed to support u? not give u more pain? feck 'em! | |
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2 Comments | |
| sick to my ficking stomach! |
Jun 3, 2008 12:58 pm
Mood: fckin sick of it all!, 709 Views | | I'm so sick of this other site that I'm on. I'm in enough pain as it is and these little childish feckers wanna make it worse for me. they created a whole post just to slander me so whatever. I don't need this chit oin my life. the slander I got here was nothing compared to there. they wanna notify authorities about me because of my father, I'm sorry, I don't fckin' control him so go right ahead hlived in Iraq u idiots! like he would have given himself up anyway. stupid people I swear to allah! | |
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1 comment | |
| I'm sorry |
Jun 2, 2008 8:34 pm
676 Views | | I'm sorry I burdened anyone with my hurt, I'm sorry I make myself everyone else's friggin problem, I'm sorry I keep putting my trust in people thinking they will be soft, I'm sorry I even try...I'm sorry I allow myself to even exist in another's presence...I'm sorry I'm a stupid Arab... | |
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2 Comments | |
| ok I cant go on like this... |
Jun 1, 2008 9:13 am
Mood: I don't even wanna tell u, 760 Views | | I'm still hurting, I wake up every day crying, hell, I cry in my sleep how can she do this to me...to us...to what we have? had? not to frighten anyone but I had some pretty drastic thoughts the other day, of course I'd never follow them, but I'm just looking for ways to stop the hurt. I'm not eating I'm not sleeping I'm not going out and enjoying the things I should be, I'm supposed to get married in 2 or 3 weeks, now what? I'm supposed to be enjoying NY, not thinking o my god hw can she do this to me? and with my best friend, my soldier friend my god...I cant do this no more! | |
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9 Comments | |
| I really don't know where to turn |
May 31, 2008 1:00 pm
Mood: hurt beyond words, 658 Views | | lanka hurt me...I don't wanna explain the whole thing right now but she did something thats making me reconsider...I'm just so so hurt. | |
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6 Comments | |
| To link to this blog (Kassam20) use [blog Kassam20] in your messages. |
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