| A gift is a gift. I have always valued my life by my friends. |
Dec 18, 2007 5:32 pm
Mood: Holidayishly depressed, 406 Views | Tis the season, for joy and tears.
A few years ago, money was tight, and I had no money for holiday gifts. But me being the giving person I am, I looked around the house, and decided, since I am baking cakes and pies for christmas, (for extra money,) I would make gourmet cookies; rugalach, anginettes, short breads, nuts, chocolates, spices and such. I gave plates and tins of these out for holiday gifts. It has become a tradition. Instead of the usual gift cards, everyone expects them, usually requesting extra of their favorites. Since then I have started going overboard, spending hundreds of dollars on ingredients, and creating some of the best cookies ever. I bake for weeks, making as much as 30 recipes, and over a hundred dozen cookies.
Today was very depressing for me, and I don't know why. I don't usually get depressed during the holidays. I spent the day giving the cookies out. This is usually a good day for me. The joy of giving, kinda thing. I realize tonight, I don't expect anything from anyone, and never really have. But to know, that no one thought of me, even one, for the holidays, was very disturbing. It sounds silly and selfish reading it here, but I find myself bouncing between sadness and rage.
Being able to step back and look at things has saved me from doing stoopid things, and today is no exception. When I saw I was getting upset, I parked the car, and thought about my day. The time with my friends was really good. That is not the problem. My problem is I've always given them to business associates, as a thank you for the business. But this year, the market is slow, and everyone is starting to cut back. One of the companies I do lots and lots of emergency repairs, and correcting others mistakes for, has put me last on their call list. They will not be calling me anytime soon. This is bad news, now that winter is here, and work is slowing down so much. I can't help but wonder, why am I always the go to guy, the can do guy, but the least important, last one they will give regular work to. I wonder what I will say the next time they call, needing something repaired, right away.
I know, keeping the professional life separate for personal is a must. But it is hard, when you deal with the same people often, especially if it is a small, family operation, that you feel you fit into. Especially when you get to know so much about their lives, out side of work. See them as people, not clients. Not just a check.
Well, I will find peace, I always do. I will find work, I always do. I don't know if I will continue to be as helpful to some of them.
Oh well. I guess I'll let the one who really loves me take me to the islands for a few weeks, as soon as I can afford to treat myself so. Hehehehe. Nothing like 2 weeks in Antigua to celebrate anything, including life. I am thinking the first two weeks of February. Care to join me? Runaway Bay. Look it up.
Jimy | |
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4 Comments | |
| Sayin good bye to old friends, lost |
Dec 16, 2007 1:00 am
Mood: melancholy, 569 Views |  | It has been 3 weeks since the most hellish day of my life. I woke up to a 17 year old cat, puking blood. He was not a nice cat. Not the kind of cat you actually loved. He just stayed here, becvause no one had the heart to throw him out. He was abandonded in here, by someone I thought of as a friend. He was afraid of everything, so he got named Shadow. He would not come near me, unless I was laying down and still. If I was sittin up in bed, he would hide.
Undiagnosed stomach cancer. The tumor ruptured, and he was bleeding out, inside. I been in bombings, shootings, stabings, and this turned out to be the most hellish day of my life. Because I could do nothing. I took him to a clinic, got the diagnosis, and paid the $500, said good bye to him, as the vet on duty put him to sleep. I went home, and cleaned up the mess.
Flash forward, three weeks later, and I am lookin in all the shadows of my room, for a black cat, that isn't here anymore, and I am actually sad. It's not like I even cared about the cat, he was pretty dumb. I've had great cats, that it was easy to love, and hard to say good bye too(ashes in tin, still in living room). But tonight, I miss the senile old boy.
Oh well. The dog is next. My heart will stop beating with hers. She is so full of love, even at 14. Every day, she gets these bursts of energy, and becomes my puppy gurl again. May the Gods take me first, save me from that day. |
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9 Comments | |
| To Catch a Thief |
Dec 14, 2007 6:21 pm
Mood: relaxed, 584 Views |  | I have always been a fan of Cary Grant. I always envied his charm, his wit. I know how I look, and know just how smart I am. I just wish I were quick with a witty comeback,like he always appeared to be.
I been baking goodies for the holidays for days. I feel sick to my stomache, of cookies, cakes and pies. At least I am feeling normal this year.
I have met someone here. I think she is great. Her personality is so serene. I find myself wanting to know more about her, everything. Found out the worst thing I could. She is married, and though it is over, she will not leave him. Such is my life. I always find the ones I should avoid, and am immediately drawn to them.
The most sexy women are strong, powerful and independant. Nothing as wonderful as being wanted, not needed. And wanted as you are, not as a base model to be accessorized and changed. |
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13 Comments | |
| To link to this blog (Jimy1H) use [blog Jimy1H] in your messages. |
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