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For SERIOUS Beer Drinkers Only...LOL
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Aug 2, 2009 3:54 am
775 Views
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Happy Sunday everyone. I was cleaning out some of my really old emails and came across this from 11 years ago....I love beer and that is why I brew it!! I can't have it right now because of my darn FOOD PLAN!!! 
So real beer has been on my mind...yummm 
Subject: Beer Drinker's complaint
Date: Friday, November 27, 1998 1:25 PM
An actual letter sent to Miller Brewing Company and their response:
Miller Brewing Company
Milwaukee, Wisconsin 53201
Dear Sir or Madam,
I have been a drinker of Miller beers for many years (actually, ever
since that other company donated a big chunk of change to Handgun
Control Inc. back in the mid 80's).
Initially, my beer of choice was Lite, but some time in mid-1990
while in Honduras I switched to MGD smuggled up from Panama.
Now, for nearly six years, I have been a faithful drinker of MGD.
For these past years, I have come to expect certain things from
Genuine Draft. I expect that whenever I see that gold can of MGD, I
am about ready to enjoy a great, smooth brew. But wait! Sometime
around the first of the year, my beloved MGD changed colors, so to
speak.
That familiar gold can was no longer gold! Knowing that I am, by
nature, somewhat resistant to change, I forced myself to reserve
judgment on the new can design. Gradually, I grew to appreciate the
new label. That was until about May of this year. That was when I
discovered (empirically) that I really didn't like the new design.
Further investigation of the cause of my distress resulted in the
following observations:
1. Your cans are made of aluminum.
2. Aluminum is a great conductor of energy.
3. Your beer is commonly consumed outside, and thus, the container may
be
exposed to sunlight.
4. Sunlight striking the can causes radiant warming of the surface of
the can.
5. The resultant heat (energy) is transferred through the aluminum, by
conduction, to the contents of the can (the beer).
6. Warm beer sucks.
This is a process that can be observed in just about any beer.
However this process is significantly accelerated in MGD because you
painted the damn can...black!!!
Who was the rocket scientist that designed the new graphic for the
can and implemented the change right before summer? Granted, this
process may not be real evident up there in Wisconsin, but down here
in Oklahoma (OR TEXAS) where the summers are both sunny and hot, this
effect
is quite a problem. There's no telling what the folks in Texas and
Arizona
are having to put up with.
Knowing that you would probably not address this issue unless you had
firm
evidence of a problem, I and several other subjects conducted extensive
experimentation. The results of these experiments are listed below.
The experiments were conducted over two days on the deck next to my
pool.
The study included seven different types of beer (leftovers
from a party the previous weekend) that were initially chilled to 38
degrees F and then left exposed to sunlight for different lengths of
time. These beers were sampled by the test subjects at different
intervals. The subjects, all normally MGD drinkers, were asked at
each sampling interval their impressions of the different beers. The
length of time between the initial exposure to sunlight and the point
where the subject determined the sample undrinkable (the Suck-point) was
determined. The average ambient temperature for the trials was 95
degrees F.
Beer Type Average Suck-point (minutes)
-----------------------------------------------------
Miller Lite (white can) 6.2
Bud (white can) 5.5
Bud Lite (silver can) 5.2
Ice House (blue and silver can) 4.4
Coors Lite (silver can) 4.1
Miller Genuine Draft (black can) 2.8
Coors (gold can) 0.1
It was evident that the color of the can directly correlates to the
average suck point, except for Coors which was pretty much determined to
suck at any point.
It is to be hoped that you will consider re-designing your MGD cans.
All beer drinkers that are not smart enough to keep their beer in the
shade will thank you.
Sincerely,
Bradley Lee
Beer-drinker
-------------------------------------------------------
The Miller response appears below. They have had a lot of fun with
this guy's letter. Enjoy...
Dear Bradley Lee,
Thank you for your letter and your concern about the MGD can color as it
relates to premature warming of the contents.
Like you, we at Miller Beer take beer drinking very seriously. To
that end, we have taken your letter and subsequent experiment under
serious consideration. Outlined below are our findings and solution
to your problem.
May we add that we have had similar letters from other loyal beer
drinkers, mostly from the Southern United States.
First, let us congratulate you on your findings. Our analysis tends
to agree with yours regarding Coors. It certainly does suck at about
any temperature.
Now, it was our intentions when redesigning the MGD can to create
better brand identity and brand loyalty. Someone in marketing did
some kind of research and determined we needed to redesign the can.
You will be pleased to know, we have fired that idiot and he is now
reeking havoc at a pro-gun control beer manufacturer. The design
staffer working in cahoots with the marketing idiot was also
down-sized. However, once we realized this mistake, to undo it would
have been even a bigger mistake.
So, we took some other actions. From our market research, we found a
difference between Northern beer drinkers and Southern beer drinkers.
Beer drinkers in the South tend to drink slower than beer drinkers in
the North. We are still researching why that is. Anyway, at Miller
Beer, it was never our intentions to have someone take more than 2.5
minutes to enjoy one of our beers. We pride ourselves in creating
fine, smooth, quick drinking beers and leave the making of sissy,
slow sipping beers to that Sam guy in Boston. However, it is good to
know that you feel our Miller Lite can last as long as 6 minutes.
However, may we suggest in the future you try consuming at least two
in that time frame.
>From your letter, we had our design staff work 'round the clock to
come up with a solution that would help not just MGD but all our fine
Miller products. We hope you have recently noticed our solution to
your problem. We found that the hole in the top of the can was not
big enough for quick consumption. So, we have now introduced the new
"Wide
Mouth" cans. We hope this will solve all your problems.
Might I also suggest that if you want to get the beer out of the can
even faster, you can poke a hole on the side near the bottom, hold
your finger over it, open the can, tip it to your mouth and then pull
your finger off the hole. This is a common way to drink beer at
parties and impress your friends. This technique is known as
"shot-gunning". You should like the name.
Again, thank you for your letter and for bringing to our attention
that there might be other beer drinkers taking more that 2.5 minutes
to drink our beers. Let me assure you that I will have our
advertising department work on a campaign to solve this problem, too.
Sincerely,
Tom B. Miller
Public Relations
Miller Brewing Co.
P.S. And remember, at Miller Beer we do favor gun control, too. So
please use two hands when firing.
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12
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I LOVE MY JOB!!
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Jul 30, 2009 10:26 pm
713 Views
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I receieved an e-mail from my sister today and just had to share this!!!
If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at work, think of this guy.
Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana.
He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an email he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.
Needless to say, she won. Read his letter below.
~Hi Sue,
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.
Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.
This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until my butt started to itch all of a sudden. So...I scratched it of course..
This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.
I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.
I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my butt was swollen shut.
So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.' Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day! !!!!
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14
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More About Jack
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Jul 29, 2009 4:20 am
660 Views
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Yesterday, I thought that Jack would come to the window sill because he had been gone since Saturday afternoon. It has four days now since Jack has been away from the garden. This morning, I was able to enjoy the sweet song of the dickey birds with my friend. While we enjoyed our cup of tea together listening to the dickey birds, the five doves came down on the lawn for their morning feast. I guess Jack has decided not to follow this flock of birds, after all.
I asked my friend to take a walk in the forest today, which is behind the garden and leads out to the beach in the bay to see if Jack has decided that the forest was a better place to hang out in. It is such a pleasant walk to take indeed. While visiting there, I often went into the forest to enjoy the beautiful sounds of the ducks. There is a staircase that leads to the forest just off the High Street. As one walks down this long and smooth twisting staircase, the forest begins to appear before your eyes. During my last visit it was springtime, and while walking down the staircase, the wild daffodils outlined the staircase on each side. While descending down the staircase. I could hear the sounds of the ducks playing in the stream that runs through the forest and empties into the bay at the beach front. At the bottom of the staircase, one can see the stream and hear the gentle sound of the running water and the sounds of the village disappear out of one’s mind. A small bridge connects to the other side of the stream. Crossing the bridge the deep branches of the trees blocks out the sunlight overhead.
After crossing the bridge, just to the left, there is a favorite eddy in the stream where the ducks like to waddle in the water and relax. Possibly this is where Jack might have found his place to call home.
Meanwhile, we will keep the window open with his favorte seed on the window sill hoping he will return for us to hear his song along with the dickey birds.
Copyright © 2009 
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6
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Our Friend Jack
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Jul 24, 2009 9:26 pm
802 Views
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It was in autumn, the first time I visited Wales. The travel there contained many nuisances for me; like opening a window without a screen during the cool night. It is for good health I am told. To my discovery, what a pleasure it was to be awakened with the sweet song of the dickey birds. In fact, the concept of opening a window during one’s slumber was indeed a foreign one to me. I keep the windows closed because I don’t want to air condition the whole neighborhood nor do I wish to let in all that hot humid air. You see, I live in Florida where the bugs can be the size of mice, so a screen on a window is most advised and keeping it closed is cost effective.
However, when I returned to Wales in the winter, I again learned that the practice of leaving the window open at night was good for your health. I am thinking; how can that be? If one opens a window when it is so cold outside, then doesn’t that defeat the purpose of lighting the coal fire to begin with? When one opens the window in single digit degree weather, all the cold air gets in, doesn’t it? It was then I learned about real quilts, not like the ones my grandma use to make. Then, of course, there was no top sheet on the bed, just a real quilt. Well, I grew up making the bed with a bottom sheet and a top sheet then the blanket on top of the top sheet. The purpose of the top sheet is so that one doesn’t have to wash the blanket every week.
Well, I am back in Florida now with my closed windows and top sheets with no quilts. Yes, I still hear the dickey birds in the morning occasionally when I am on my laptop signed onto skype with my friend in Wales. He would place his laptop on the window sill near the back garden for both of us to enjoy the songs of the dickey birds. A couple of weeks or so ago, a lone pigeon appeared in the garden and joined in the symphony. This was no ordinary pigeon. This pigeon had a tag around its ankle. It was a trained and tamed pigeon that had lost his way somehow. We heard the song of a trained pigeon in our garden for both of us to enjoy for the morning.
But it wasn’t just for that morning. The pigeon came into the garden every morning thereafter. It was a very tame pigeon. While putting up the laundry on the line, there he was close by. Soon, he allowed one to walk right up to him as he feasted on the seed left there on the lawn.
One day, we decided to leave a pile of his favorite seed on the window sill, with the window open, of course. And sure enough, he came to feast as we listened to his song. It was then my friend named the pigeon, Jack. The following day, my friend became ill and did not call me on skype. I later learned that he was so ill he could not get out of bed. For four days, the only company he had was this lone pigeon on the window sill, Jack. On the fifth day he called me on skype to tell me what had happened. He also told me that Jack was no where around the garden that day. When he went out into the garden looking in all the usual places Jack liked to hang around, he was nowhere in sight. Then he looked on the ground near the clothes line and spotted some feathers. He told me there were some larger flight feathers and some down feathers. He feared the worst. He feared that Jack was too tame. That the neighborhood cats had gotten to poor Jack. He wished that he had at least taken a picture of Jack to share with me.
I said to him, “You need to believe that Jack is on vacation that Jack will be back someday.” Still concerned about Jack, my friend had to go out of town for few days on business. While he was away, I sent him an email with the same message. Jack will be back!!
Today, my friend sent me a text on my cell phone that read, “Jack is back!” He rushed to get his camera to take some pictures of sweet Jack to share with me. He called me and told me that he was so happy that Jack was back in the garden again. He did say that Jack had lost some weight but we know his favorite seed which sits on the window sill next to the open window.
Copyright © 2009
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24
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Field of Flowers
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Jul 23, 2009 7:40 am
654 Views
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I stand in front of a field of flowers
The sun shining on my hair
The breeze on my face.
As I sit in this meadow
The field of flowers before my eyes;
I see how they sway with the wind
Their splendor before me
Smelling the aroma
Of their beautiful essence.
Choosing the flowers
For my bouquet to bring into my heart.
Friends are like magnificent flowers; the bountiful bouquet in my life.
Copyright © 2009
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8
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Chicken Soup For Beer Drinkers
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Jul 22, 2009 5:04 am
647 Views
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Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Henny Youngman
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
Brian O'Rourke
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
Benjamin Franklin
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
Dave Barry
And saving the best for last, as explained by the character Cliff Clavin of the TV show Cheers...
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this...
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Cheers!!
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