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Welcome to Ari-Wood. Step right up and see the sights. To your left, you will see the delicate fragility of fairy land. On the right, watch out for the fiery dragons. For your safety, we recommend you stay on the path and don't stray into the netherworlds of risk and chance. Alternatively, perhaps you like the benefits that go along with taking that chance..........
All rights to the poetry and stories in Ari-Wood
belong exclusively to the author.
That which is not mine,
That which is not good,
That which is not altruistic....
Is requested to leave.
The stories and poems encased in this crystal blog are written from my own imagination and in no way are intended to be viewed as written to any specific person unless I specifically state that it is.
My heart is a book which you leaf through as simply as the pages of this blog..
Antiqued an worn
The words bleed
From a hidden place
Deep within my chapters
Where only one can see
And whispering spirits tarry
Frayed are my edges
Yet my gliding
Remains beautiful
Not a mere ornament
But a testament to the tooling
Which has geared my life
Sown tightly is my binding
I have weathered the years
I shine with wisdom an character
Like no other book
Yet my cover bares the marks
Of ordinary use
Turn my pages lightly
And you shall read
My hued memories
Of dreams and dreaminess
Of times and timelessness
Of lives and liveliness
Upon my inner pages
Are scribbled
Achromatic dreams
My love
My hopes
My life
You are such a treasured book
All my love, Sister of my heart
(Written by a special sister of my heart...MsAlchemy2...a special gift...I wanted to share.)
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| Ancient Rhymes |
Mar 4, 2007 11:22 pm
2375 Views |  | Lying in this vacant bed
No one is here,
It holds the dead.
Such emptiness I dread to feel
This hollowness
It's so unreal.
I read the note you sent to me
You think this love
Is destiny.
Unlike the words I've heard before
Your note to me
Holds so much more.
A whisper here of bonds that weave
Around two souls
Who cannot leave
The ties of earth until when time
Heals ancient hurts;
Rewrites the rhyme.
The silibance of murmured need
Whose tone would lead
My skin to feed
Upon the nectar of your touch
Your silkiness;
I need this, much.
The passioned echo of your pain
That I should need
To trust again
Recalls in me an older taunt
Two hearts that bleed
Two souls we daunt
With fury at the hands of time
That bind us to
This ancient rhyme
Your words build pathways in my heart
Beneath the hope
Above the part
Wherein my emptiness is held
Against the day
When love’s withheld.
You wish to shatter barriers there
Until I know
How much you care.
You want to force the guard walls down
To make me see
The barren ground
Of life without your heart within
These broken walls
That hold me in. |
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2 Comments | |
| What? I'm Angry |
Mar 4, 2007 10:58 pm
2337 Views | I was talking on the phone to Carolyn yesterday. Has anyone told you what a funny lady she is? Oh yeah...she can pick your day right up and spin it around with laughter.
Anyway, she told me that I seemed angry...and that I had seemed that way for several weeks. It pretty much stopped me cold. I don't let myself get angry very often, and I tend to focus on my faults, so this one kind of stayed with me. All night, all day...I've been thinking about this comment even as I did what needed to be done today.
You know, like everyone, life irks me sometimes. It's not usual for me to get angry though. Usually when something sets me off, I get rather high-strung. Yes, me. I do. Whatever has bothered me eats at me. It sits in the back of my mind and just pesters the heck right out of me. I pick at it like a partially scabbed over wound at look under the scab to see if I missed something.
What usually bothers me? Hmmm...something I've done wrong; something I've done that hurt someone else; something someone else has done that I think is wrong or unfair; situations that are just totally wrong or unfair...you get the picture.
For anger...it has to be something rather extreme...someone has scared me very badly; someone has hurt me very deeply...and even then, I tend to bury the anger and never let it see the light of day...unless of course it is too great...in which case I abuse pillows and slam cupboard doors. I rarely yell unless strongly provoked...I can increase my vocal level...but I rarely yell.
So...back to the question...why angry? And how do I stop it? I guess stopping it is the way I stop everything...I write it out. I dump it all on a piece of paper and let it out of my system. It's so much easier and less painful to others if I can write it rather than actually say it to someone. Is that dishonest? I don't think so...I think it's still honest. No one has to know how irritated they have made me...and I still get to say what I think and feel...without hurting anyone else. Usually...not always.
So...anger. I just couldn't figure it out. So, I did what I do best when I need to think. I went for a walk with the Lady. It's still winter here and too doggone cold to go to the reservoir...or the river...so I walked the trail from Hooper Springs to town...and back. It was a good walk.
Before I started my walk, I very carefully asked the Lady to help me see what was eating at me so deeply that a friend would think I was angry. And then I walked...silently, with just my thoughts for company. I thought about all the things that are going on in my life right now...school, work, my ex, trying to buy the house, performance evaluations...all the things that I have been thinking about. I thought about all the people in my life...good friends, acquaintances, family members, co-workers...and really, I love them all.
And then I started to feel. Smile Kelly, it's when things most start to make sense to me...when I'm feeling rather than thinking. I started to feel traces of that anger Carolyn was talking about. Who am I most angry with? Hmmm, probably myself. I did something stupid that I'm still trying to fix and it makes me feel stupid...and inadequate. It's the inadequate that beats at me. It's probably what makes me the angriest.
But, it isn't just that; it's the people I've let down in the past 6 months. The people I didn't respond to the way I usually do; the people I hurt by not being there. You know, I have a lot of things happening in my life, but I don't consider that an excuse for not being there for someone when they need me...when they need a friend. It's not an acceptable reason to not be a good friend.
It's also the people who have let me down in the past 6 months...the people who weren't there when they promised to be; the people who offered help they didn't intend to live up to...the people who are supposed to care and want to be part of your life, but who simply don't have it in them to do so.
Usually I come here to find peace from the things that hurt in life...but lately, that peace hasn't been here. There's so much back-biting and anger here. It just leaves me feeling...empty. I'm not even criticizing anyone...I've been a part of that as well.
It just seems like in the past few months, we forgot how to care. What happened to that? So many people are focused on what they want right here, right now...and not on what's supportive for other people. So many fingers pointing; nasty, sniping comments made back and forth...and for what? What did we solve? All that came of it was more anger...more hurt feelings...more nastiness. Lately, I guess FF has just felt...disconnected. As if each of us chooses not to build lasting friendships with each other. That sense of connection with others was the part I loved best about this place.
I spent a bit of time last night looking at other blogging sites. I don't much care for the changes at FF, but I also haven't found a place that feels right to me yet. I'll keep posting at My Space for awhile and see how that feels..but what drew me to FF was the sense of camaraderie...the ability to see the list of posts...not 100,000 posts in a day...but a much more manageable level...the caring and love we shared...I don't think that's likely at My Space.
And until I find a place I like better...I'll still hang out here...but I don't know that I'll be around as often. I don't thrive well in an atmosphere of negativity...I don't see how anyone can. And for anyone at the other place...it's ladys_haven...look me up. At least there you can exchange any information you want...free...and without censorship.
As for the anger...I hope I've written it out now. We'll see.
Love to all of you.
Ari | |
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14 Comments | |
| Bling |
Mar 1, 2007 2:47 pm
2388 Views | Ok, as near as I can figure, the only thing you can use bling for is to decorate your posts...in other words, another form of smiley. To use it, you have to get to the bling creator and draw it out. Once it's drawn, take it. You can also determine if it's available to everyone, just your friends, or has a price attached. This means that you can restrict people from using your bling.
If you set a price, it is in points...in other words, people have to pay points to use your bling. Half of the points they pay will come to you, the other half goes to FF. You can assign a price from 0 to 200 points for your bling.
To use the bling, go look at the bling lists and find the tag number. For instance, the heart I made is tagged 69. So, I put [bling 69 (but with a closing bracket  .
Here's my perspective. Seems like FF is going all out to try to make more money off us. They've taken away the friends tab that let us look at each other's profiles, and now they've given us smileys that we can choose to allow them to charge us to use.
Whatever I design...because I happen to not want to give FF a penny I don't have to...and because I think it gives us greater variety...and because I just don't care if people use it...will be available for free to everyone...unless it's something I plan to just use myself.
You can choose for yourself...but remember..half of all the points go to FF...for what?
Have fun | |
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24 Comments | |
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| Leaving it up to the Universe |
Feb 28, 2007 7:32 pm
2002 Views | I've been wanting to buy this house ever since I moved into it. I know it needs a fair bit of work...I know I want to do some remodelling to it as well. My lease expires in October.
I've been talking to the owner off and on for the last four and a half years. I know what she wants for the house. I'm not uncomfortable with the price. I'm a little afraid of the commitment.
Ten years ago, I owned a house I loved in Colorado. We bought it as a fixer-upper. It really scared the hell out of me because it needed so much work. When I got divorced, my ex refused to sign the papers to let me sell the house. Neither one of us could afford it alone. His comment was that I ruined his life...the one thing he knew I cared about was my credit, so he ruined it.
I did care about it. I'd spent years building perfect credit. It was so good that I went out and bought us each a vehicle on the same day...on my credit alone. And he did ruin it. He lived on Social Security, so no matter that he was supposed to pay half the bills...they couldn't go after him...they all came after me. And they foreclosed on the house.
When I couldn't sell it, and couldn't get him to move out...I stopped making the payments. I didn't have a choice. I couldn't afford two homes and supporting my daughter with no child support. Oh yeah...and my old horse who needed to be supported until I could find her a home.
His truck? He paid late...every single month...until he finally paid it off. The judge said it had to stay in my name...but he had to TRY to make the payments on time. He didn't. The only reason he paid at all was that the title was in my name and I had the option to repossess it if he failed to make them. But those late payments every month kicked my butt.
I've waited a very long time. I've saved as much money as I could and I've thought very hard about whether I wanted to buy another house...take the risk with my credit and my savings again. The difference is...this time I'm doing it alone. No one else's name will be on the deed. No one else will have any rights to the house. That's a tiny bit of reassurance.
Today, I started the paperwork to be pre-approved for the loan. I'm not sure I will be...I know I make enough money. I know I don't owe anyone any money. But I'm not sure just how clean my credit is yet. They tell me a lot can be forgiven in this area. I hope so.
I haven't called the owner yet; I want to know if I can be pre-approved before I talk to her again. If not, there are a few other options available to me. But, now that I've taken this step, I've been second guessing myself.
What if....
I lose my job
I get seriously hurt
The economy turns
I can't afford the repairs
Oh Lord and Lady, I have a whole list of what-ifs.
Tonight I started thinking about them. I do that a lot...what-if myself to death. I'm tired of doing it...and I'm tired of setting myself up for failure. So, I did myself a favor.
I sat down and wrote out a list of everything I want to accomplish...I wrote the list as if each of these things have already happened, and I am thankful for them. It's the best way I know to keep thinking positively. So...each night and each morning, I will look at that list and take a little time to be thankful for each thing on it.
My home loan is on it.
I'm going to try to draw positive power into my thinking...I'm going to try to make things happen in my universe. It doesn't mean I don't have to work at the things I want to happen...it means I'm working in one new direction, as well as all the standard ways. It means I stop worrying so much about whatever could go wrong...and don't draw those things to me.
Now...I'll just sit back and watch to see what happens. I've done what I can do...the rest is up to the universe. | |
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10 Comments | |
| Never Ending |
Feb 26, 2007 9:38 pm
2990 Views |  | Because of the post I just wrote...and because it matters to me...I am reposting this poem. I hope you will all understand....and if you don't...it will be all right.
Love
Me
Never Ending
Endings come so softly
We never miss the breath
That leads us to tomorrow
That carries us to death
Can’t bear to hear you crying
Don’t mourn for unspent years
I’d rather you remember
My laughter; not the tears
If you should ever need me
I promise I’ll be there
Forever is my promise
We’ll meet again somewhere
I’d like you to remember
The girl who loved you so
Who cherished close your friendship
And shared with you her glow
Remember me in softness
When snow has coated trees
World carpeted in innocence
A child who wants to please
Remember me when leaves green
As life is born anew
In every quickened heartbeat
In every drop of dew
Remember me in whispers
Your ears strain not to miss
When summer’s gentle breezes
Bestow on you my kiss
Remember me in color
Spilt richly all around
When autumn’s festive palette
Conceals the dying ground
Three places you will find me
Should you decide to look
Reclining by the ocean
Relaxing with a book;
The deepest depths of forest
Mist wrapped around your feet
Admiring your garden
Why don’t you take a seat?
I’ll listen for your summons
And always I’ll be near
To hold you when you’re hurting
To take away your fear
The end is the beginning
A new life I will weave
Be happy for my freedom
Don't make me feel you grieve
If I could leave you treasure
I’d tell you don’t regret
I lived my life with pleasure
Especially since we met
I’d tell you to keep trying
Don’t let the empty win
Keep reaching for the heavens
Don’t ever just give in.
Celebrate life with every breath you take.
Celebrate love with every moment you live.
Celebrate friendship with every person you meet.
Celebrate memories with every butterfly you see.
I reposted this for you Carolyn...and for Sylvia. A reminder that nothing ever completely ends...that memories hold us intact...and that love lives...forever. Walk in peace...I love you.
Ari |
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35 Comments | |
| Finding Peace |
Feb 25, 2007 11:30 pm
2011 Views |  | My heart is hurting today, but I can't find the reason. It beats as it always does, but inside I feel the echoes of emptiness. I sit in stillness and peace, but I can feel the tears pooling in my eyes, and I wonder why I cry.
Reach out and listen; take a step on the path; hold your head high and stand tall and proud. Step back, look what you've accomplished. It is good, little one. It is good.
Tears run down my cheeks like rivers of ice scalding tender grass, and still I cannot find the pain inside. I cannot reach the place that hurts.
Find the place of peace; touch it with your heart and mind.
Hmmm...wander to close to where I want to be and I walk right into the pain. And now I know why. Funny how we can close those pieces off, even when they are fresh.
Close your eyes and let them melt away. Rest quietly and remember all that brings joy and love. You are stronger than any pain. Be strong, be loved, stand tall...and walk in peace. |
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6 Comments | |
| Heart of Mother Earth |
Feb 22, 2007 10:44 pm
2191 Views |  | Scaling mountains to reach that plateau
Moments of sharing balancing me
Twining my world to yours
Infiltration of morning dew drops
Into the parched fields of a heart
Grown arid for the lack.
Roots plunging through darkened soil
Seeking sustenance in the depths
Driving through unseen crevasses
Sensation is non-existent
This timeless space abstains
From incremental change
Reach for the corrugated channels
Touch Gaia’s deepest core
And feel the furnaces awaken
Heart of Mother Earth
Unbounded in the energy discharged
Molten dreaming merging two
Scintillant sunlight evanescing
Dappled skin of leaves and bark
Draping overgrown forests
No feet have walked these trails
Made into nature’s pathways
Ravished by hunger’s drive. |
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11 Comments | |
| Perspective |
Feb 22, 2007 10:26 pm
2220 Views | The last few weeks have left me thinking about perspectives. Everything in life is a reflection of our perspective. Of course, it all started with these books I'm reading...Ten Thousand Whispers and The Secret. Both are books about how our outlook, our perspective, our beliefs..influence the world around us; how we can draw to ourselves the things we want by simply believing we can. Such a simple concept.
I can't tell you how much this concept resonates with me.
A manager I work with stepped down from a management position to take on a new position. I don't know the circumstances surrounding it; I won't speculate on them. I do know that he had seemed extremely tense for some time. One of his employees, a friend of mine, was in my office yesterday when it was announced. He was very unhappy about it. He felt like his boss had been forced to step down. I really didn't know what to say to pick him back up again...but then the words were just there.
"You know, D...., I don't know why he stepped down; that's none of my business. But, sometimes we take a step backwards in order to take several steps forward. Look at all the people who have taken what appeared to be lesser jobs in the past few years...and then suddenly jumped into corporate management positions. Maybe he chose to take this position on to gain a skill that will let him grow even further."
It was amazing how fast his perspective...and his attitude changed. I'm not going to say I'm very good at it, but I try hard to find the brighter side of every situation. Sometimes, particularly as it relates to me personally, that's a very difficult thing to do. But, I find that if I can see the silver lining, I don't have to be hurt or angry over something I can't change anyway.
Over the past week, my ex has been in a great deal of pain. His hip and leg hurts and it appears likely that the third damaged disk in his back is in trouble. The pain has been intense. I really kind of thought he was just making a mountain out of a molehill until he started having seizures the other night. He and my daughter share a non-epileptic seizure disorder.
The seizures are stress induced; they are brought on by hunger, lack of sleep, pain, fear, etc.. He hasn't had a seizure in some time, so when he started having them the other night...one right after another...he really freaked me out. I've spent a lot of hours watching over him, just to ensure he's ok. How do you leave someone to suffer alone when you know they are truly suffering?
I asked him tonight if he's made an appointment with his Orthopedic Surgeon to discuss options..to have more tests. His answer...why should I? They can't do anything for me.
Attitude...and perspective. As long as he believes that, it's how it will be. I feel rather sorry for him. If you can't believe you will get better, you never will...choosing that for yourself is a rather ugly thing.
I'm also a bit afraid that in choosing this for him, he is trying to tie me down to feeling sorry for him. I don't think it's going to work this time. I'm a bit too tired of dealing with his needs over mine. At some point, my needs have to count...and this girl is whipped from dealing with everyone else's.
Perspective. I finally believe that I CAN be totally free of the man...and you know what? I'm terribly impatient for it to happen. I read a comment the other night that really made me think a lot about his situation. Someone had written about being disabled and how a relative paid for just about everything for them. You know what? That relative owes nothing.
Life is what we choose to make of it. We may be disabled, we may be in pain, we may be emotionally crippled...we can still choose to make the best of it...to find ways to make life work...or we can choose to be bested by it.
My ex likes that he can push my buttons and get me to pay for whatever he needs. I don't mind occasionally helping, but I'm tired of being seen as an open checkbook. So...it's time for him to find a way to make it on his own. He has to choose the life he wants to live...and not depend on me to give it to him.
His perspective...my perspective. Each of us uses our outlook to build the world we live in. So...do you use self-defeating mechanisms...or do you see the opportunities life offers..do you keep a positive, affirmative outlook...and believe it can happen?
Believe in you. You are...in the end...all you have. | |
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13 Comments | |
| Picture Me |
Feb 20, 2007 11:03 pm
2274 Views |  | Stillness surrounds me
Motionless emanations
Dwelling in silence
Time pauses in breathlessness
Toes plunging into
Silted soil moistened with tears
Twining through boulders
Quartz-veined granite strengthens me
Stable foundation
Supporting eternity
Petal-textured skin
Glistens with dewdrop's promise
Star-woven garments
Cloaked in the darkness of night
Lush forested eyes
Ever vigilant as need
Calls out endlessly
Souls searching for life's answers
Within a mother's
Outstretched hands gently nestles
Fragile windblown mote
Gaia's creation
Children of the Universe |
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16 Comments | |
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