|
|
|
Welcome to Ari-Wood. Step right up and see the sights. To your left, you will see the delicate fragility of fairy land. On the right, watch out for the fiery dragons. For your safety, we recommend you stay on the path and don't stray into the netherworlds of risk and chance. Alternatively, perhaps you like the benefits that go along with taking that chance..........
All rights to the poetry and stories in Ari-Wood
belong exclusively to the author.
That which is not mine,
That which is not good,
That which is not altruistic....
Is requested to leave.
The stories and poems encased in this crystal blog are written from my own imagination and in no way are intended to be viewed as written to any specific person unless I specifically state that it is.
My heart is a book which you leaf through as simply as the pages of this blog..
Antiqued an worn
The words bleed
From a hidden place
Deep within my chapters
Where only one can see
And whispering spirits tarry
Frayed are my edges
Yet my gliding
Remains beautiful
Not a mere ornament
But a testament to the tooling
Which has geared my life
Sown tightly is my binding
I have weathered the years
I shine with wisdom an character
Like no other book
Yet my cover bares the marks
Of ordinary use
Turn my pages lightly
And you shall read
My hued memories
Of dreams and dreaminess
Of times and timelessness
Of lives and liveliness
Upon my inner pages
Are scribbled
Achromatic dreams
My love
My hopes
My life
You are such a treasured book
All my love, Sister of my heart
(Written by a special sister of my heart...MsAlchemy2...a special gift...I wanted to share.)
|
|
|
| Feeling loved |
Dec 2, 2007 11:29 pm
1203 Views | Slow down...feel the softness...feel the silence...feel the darkness wrap you in arms of love. Can you feel it? Slow down...feel it...feel love holding you gently suspended above yourself. Reach out...reach out to each person you know and love. Reach out to those you don't know...reach out with all the love you feel wrapping you. Reach...further....stretch one person more....reach....love....give.....open yourself to the universe....feel....all the love...all the giving....all the joy...feel it.
Can you feel me holding you warm in my thoughts, in my arms, in my love? Feel me reaching out to you....feel me holding you safe and loved throughout the long night. Nothing can harm you. Nothing can touch you with anything less than love. I wrap you in the softest blue blanket of healing and light. You feel nothing...but love...always.
I love you all....feel me. | |
|
19 Comments | |
| Learning Experiences |
Dec 2, 2007 11:24 pm
998 Views | It's been a long day. There were things I wanted to do today...including my performance eval...that didn't get finished. I got the production reports done, but there were a small boatload of problems with last minute changes. I hate when they do that...there are always mistakes to deal with...but it's done...and I finished another chapter in my accounting book.
I should have worked harder today, but I got home from work at 3 and all I'd had to eat was a plain, dry, toasted bagel and some sunflower seeds. There are two problems with that...it's not enough to keep me going when my blood sugar drops...and it's not the right stuff to eat...but I haven't really figured out exactly what is...so I'm slowly making changes as I figure it out.
So..I got home, starving and feeling icky...and ate some of the pear/pineapple side dish I had made last night. It's a diabetic recipe...but man you'd never know it from how good it tastes. I love it. Again...it was good for me...but still not a real meal like I needed. I felt better, but I was dragging butt so I went and lay down for awhile. Ended up that I slept four hours. And then I was really hungry...so I ate the universe...lol....no, but I made dinner...it just cost me half a day.
It's going to be a learning experience, figuring out what I can and can't eat...and getting used to eating regularly. Most days, if I'm lucky, I eat lunch and dinner. Some days I skip lunch and work through...others I skip dinner and just keep going. It's not good for me..and especially not now. I do know I have to have 5 or 6 small meals a day...and at regular times so that I control the reactions. Guess I'll be scheduling that and setting alarms to force myself to eat regularly.
The stinky part of that is that I simply don't get hungry that often...but I am starting to realize that I do get weak that often. So...self-awareness. It's a good thing.
I started a nutrition class and I have to enter all the foods and all my daily activities into a computer program for the class. It's been interesting seeing exactly what I eat. My protein levels suck but I'm pretty much right on with my fruits and vegetables. My grains suck, too, but dairy is ok. What amazed me most was seeing where my sodium intake was.
The bagel I ate, the pimiento in my vegetables, the fat free salad dressing...just amazing to look at how much sodium is in them...and I am getting twice as much salt as I need on a daily basis. I couldn't believe there was salt in vegetables. And I didn't add salt to anything I ate.
It's a good time to be taking this class...although the program does not allow me to alter the settings for being diabetic...so some of my levels will look funny based on the 2005 food pyramid. It also doesn't allow me to enter the niacin, fish oil, flax seed oil supplements I take...or my vitamins. So...I have to manually calculate that. Did you know that niacin (not the flush-free product) is used to correct high cholesterol?
Since my cholesterol has always been normal and only skyrocketed when my thyroid dropped out of working...they are pretty sure that's a temporary issue so we are treating it with niacin. It has an odd side effect. You feel waves of heat wash from your neck up...and it is miserable. They tell me that they can see my skin visibly flush when it happens. Supposedly that will stop. I hope so...I have to increase my dosage from 100 mg to 500 mg over the next few weeks.
Hopefully in January, when we redo the bloodwork, my cholesterol will have dropped back to where it belongs and I won't have to take the Niacin. I hate taking medicines.
I learned to jab my finger yesterday to take a blood sample. I didn't much like it, but I'll be doing it twice a day every other day until I can get this thing reversed. I guarantee...it will be reversed. I refuse to live like this forever. It is very difficult to hold that thing against my finger and push the button so a tiny needle can jab into my skin. The problem with that is...the more scared I get of it, the more I jerk and the more it hurts...of course, I'm sure to get enough blood that way....lol...
It is kind of cool to see exactly where my blood sugars are at any given time...but holy crows this stuff is expensive. The test strips average $1 each...and it took me 10 test strips to get it right. $53 for 50 strips. Incredible. And that doesn't even count the lancets (needles) that I have to buy to jab myself. I'm going to need a second job to pay for this garbage. Good thing I have my Health Savings Account.
Anyway, this isn't what I planned to write about...I wanted to write something soft and beautiful...but I guess I'm a bit absorbed between work, school, and this diabetes stuff. Work isn't so bad, school will even out this week...and hopefully someone will help me figure out what I can and can't eat. I'll be calling that support group tomorrow to see what help they can offer.
What that means is...I'll be able to get back to commenting some...and writing more interesting posts. I want to get back to my stories...I miss writing them...and I miss my poems...and I have so many floating around...but no time to write them.
Almost there....and hopefully y'all didn't fall asleep reading this.
Love ya
Ari | |
|
12 Comments | |
| Self-Evaluation |
Dec 2, 2007 6:31 am
1123 Views | I can't believe I'm up and going already. I must be sick or dying. I went to bed around 2 and I got up at 6...and I actually feel wide awake and ready to go. There's something really wrong with this picture.
Actually, I'm headed off to work...get my month-end stuff done and do my self-eval. Do you have to do that? A performance evaluation on yourself? I really can't stand doing them. I always feel like....I can't say too much good...but I don't want to say too much bad....how do I balance it out?
Now Michelly...she just tells her boss how great and wonderful she is...and of course, she is...but I would feel very self-conscious about doing that. Besides...I think I have lots of places I need to improve...but I don't want to have to tell him that.
Dear boss dude...how about we don't worry about what I think of me...we just worry about what you think of my work...can we do that this year? By the way...I'd like a great big ole raise...what do you mean I have to earn it? I showed up. What more do you want?
Oh yes...and bonuses....I'd like to be a Top Performer this year, thanks. No one works the hours I work for you...and no one else bends over backwards to help everyone the way I do...and...hey...we didn't break the building this year...that's gotta be worth something.
Work? When did I agree to work? I'm sorry, but I know I would never do that...it's against my religion...which means you can't terminate me for it cause that would be discrimination.
What did I do well this year? I didn't execute anyone....I didn't screw up the accounts...heck...I didn't do anything wrong...of course...that's cause I didn't do anything this year...but you don't need to think about that, now do you?
Let's consider this...it's Sunday...I'm at the office occupying a chair in front of my computer...or will be in half an hour. I think that deserves to be recognized. And...life is never boring for any of you since I moved down from the mine. You all get harassed equally...you get free concerts every day when I turn my music on and break your eardrums with my singing....no one else would chair dance for y'alls entertainment...and you get a regular butt-kicking at our lunch-time games...what else could you want from a Top Performer?
Wish me luck! | |
|
14 Comments | |
| Missing Smileys |
Nov 30, 2007 10:07 pm
1306 Views | I just want y'all to know that I found the missing smileys....
2001 Here's where they've been stashed...go get 'em.... | |
|
37 Comments | |
| The Path to Coping |
Nov 30, 2007 8:25 pm
945 Views | Sometimes in life we come up against something we are...unprepared for...and perhaps don't want to face. That's where I have been the last few days, worrying about test results and then dropping hard when I saw just how bad all of them were. So many things went wrong all at once...and I was overwhelmed by them. It probably is no help that I was over-tired and stressed out from the school piece..but it's not an excuse.
We each face adversity our own way. I tend to be extremely strong and walk into the face of it...but I always break a little before I gather myself together and cope. So...last night I broke a little...and I probably shouldn't have posted my thoughts...but I needed to get it out before it overwhelmed me even more...and perhaps I needed to feel hands holding my own.
Life goes on and we deal with what we are given. So...tonight I'm on a more powerful thryroid med, I've started a medicine for the diabetes, I've implemented some new mineral treatments for the skyrocketing cholesterol (a side effect from the malfunctioning thyroid), and we'll wait to see the results.
So many new things to deal with...and so few answers. It's amazing to me just how little real information I gained from the doctor dudes. I realized tonight just how little I know...and how much I need to know.
So...I'm over myself...moving forward...learning. And if I disturbed anyone yesterday, I apologize. I had to find my own path to coping. | |
|
11 Comments | |
| Let It Out...Let It Go |
Nov 29, 2007 10:33 pm
1080 Views | You know, sometimes I have a hard time believing in you. I do believe...and I am appreciative. I am. And then sometimes...I just want to scream. When does it end?
I'm feeling sorry for myself. I can't seem to stop it but maybe a quick indulgence will get it out of me. Let it out...let it go...set it free. Why don't you set me free?
I want to go outside and yell at you. I want you to hear me...really hear me. I want you to stop...just stop. Do you hear me? Can you leave me alone? I don't need any more strength; I don't need any more of these lessons. When does it stop? Can't I have a little while...for me?
Some people get great childhoods...or they have a wonderful time in their teenage years...or their marriages are blessed...so blessed. I get a few short years? This just sucks. What did I do to you? What the heck is so wrong with me? Am I being punished, or just lucky?
Yes dear...this is me feeling sorry for myself. Haven't done it for awhile, I'm entitled to a good old-fashioned pity party.
I try to be good...ok...I'm not a flipping saint...ok...maybe I'm naughty...ok...maybe I'm a b with an itch...ok...maybe I'm just bad and I'm misleading myself. I try hard. I try to live my life the way it's supposed to be lived...without harming, without hating, without hurting. And Haven knows...I'm not great at that either.
I try to love as much as I can and push away all the negative. I thought I was doing better, but tonight I'm swimming in negative.
Don't get depressed, we're very worried about you.
Lol...yeah baby...I'm not depressed..I'm flipping scared.
I thought I could earn...a time for me. I thought I could earn something more...something better. And holy crows...this is the gift. Woohoo...give me more. Walk your path the best way you know how. Do you want me to crawl it?
It's all a choice. It's all my choice. I choose the path I walk. I didn't want this choice...so how come I got it? I didn't want a lot of the choices I made...but I kept trying to get better at it. I kept trying to "do the right thing". Why? Why did I bother?
If I'm depressing you...I'm sorry...I'm trying to shake this feeling off as fast as I can. I just need to write it out..and let it go. Just ignore me while I sit in the corner and sulk and whine.
Show me. Just show me the reason. Just explain. Just once. I'm begging you. I work through one part...and you throw another my way. All the things they hit me with today....how do so many things go wrong so very fast? I feel like they said I'm totally broken.
Ok...I know they didn't say that...I know they said a lot of it is reversible..if they can get the medicines figured out. Well heck, they've had nearly three years to work out the first one...and now it doesn't work for me? Gee thanks. I'm appreciative. I'm not sure I want any more favors.
Come on...rock her world. She's still standing.
When I stood in the ocean this summer, I remember some of the waves broke across my legs just right to knock me flying...and I rolled helplessly as they kept breaking over me. It's funny how I loved that feeling...and I hate this one.
I don't want to get sick...so help me to be strong. Help me to believe. Help me to find my way back up on my feet again. Because right now...I'm drowning.
If you're going to take it...take it all...I don't want it anymore. Just take it all...and let me go.
I'm drowning. | |
|
10 Comments | |
| Well...there you are.... |
Nov 29, 2007 4:06 pm
915 Views | So....Today sucks...doctors suck...everything sucks. Maybe I should go buy a popsicle. Then dinner can suck, too. Or is that me?
In brief...the thyroid medicines AREN'T working and my thyroid levels dropped more than double the place they were before we started treating it. They aren't sure what to think of that.
My blood sugar climbed ten points, which confirms a diagnosis of adult onset diabetes.
Funny thing...they tell me that the thyroid levels will make me depressed and I shouldn't let it get me down...because I could get way down. Hmmm...I wonder why anyone would get down with this news.
So...until they decide what they are going to do for me...I think I'll go have a handful of drinks...oh yeah...I can't do that either...I have a test tonight.
I did get one piece of good news. Because my professor hadn't responded to requests for assistance with my class, they did extend my class one week....which is more than enough time to finish the last couple of tests...since I'm sure as heck not focusing on it right now.
I think I'll go take a sucky nap.... | |
|
5 Comments | |
| Coming Together |
Nov 28, 2007 11:46 pm
841 Views | Continued from "Absence"
In my self-absorption I did not notice that sensations were returning to me. Slowly I realized that I was once again standing and that the textures of the color enveloping me changed from brilliant, blinding white to the softest of blue-green hues. I found that the colors soothed me and softened the impact of the strangeness swirling through my mind. I heard a soft sound and realized that it had come from me. I could feel the fabric of my clothes brushing lightly across my skin and I felt comforted at the return of my senses. It is indeed an isolating feeling to be cut off from all that we know. Turning slowly, I began to survey my surroundings.
Leaves waved around me as if a breeze drifted through them yet I felt none of it. Peering up I noted that the sky was a vivid blue but the clouds suspended over my head appeared as if painted on with swift strokes. Beneath my feet were rocks larger than any I had seen gathered in one place. Cemented together by age and time, they formed the foundation of what appeared to be a terrace that extended for some distance. Bordered by a mid-level wall of the same stone, some broken by the winds of time, others worn smooth from the flow of water across them. The rocks were the soft shades of blue blended with gray and fit the environment as if they had been birthed exactly as they appeared.
I saw no animals, nor any other kind of life, nor did I hear any sounds. I was confused. How could this place be so silent that even insects made no noise, when I could see the leaves rustling past one another? I saw that at one side of the terrace, there was an opening in the rock wall and I began to walk towards it. It struck me as odd immediately to realize that I seemed to make no progress though I could see my feet moving. Glancing down at my feet, I realized that I did not recognize the soft slippers upon them, nor the skirt which slid over my legs. Looking over myself I found that my clothes had been exchanged for something in a rather archaic style. The blouse was white with puffed sleeves ending in tiny cords drawn to fasten them around my wrists. The lace hanging loosely around my hands was so delicate that I could imagine it was spun by spiders instead of their webbing. There was a bodice, of sorts, over the blouse, which matched the skirt in the softest periwinkle color I could imagine. It was a shade I had never seen and I knew that I would always long to see the color again.
The sound of footsteps approaching drew my attention and I turned once again to face the opening in the wall. My knees shook with fear as I awaited whatever drew near. I had no expectations; only nameless imaginings drifting through my head.
“Run!” cried my heart; but I knew it would be futile to attempt. I had already found that I could not move from the center of the terrace. Mist swirled in delicate patterns through the trees as the footsteps came closer. It seemed to shroud the figure I could barely discern moving towards me. I had a vague impression of the color blue and nothing more as the mist deepened. Trembling, my hands knotting into fists as if to give me courage, I stood tall and waiting for whatever fate was bringing to me.
As she stepped onto the terrace, the mists parted and I saw her clearly. Her golden hair hung to her hips in deep waves that wrapped around her as if a living being. Her eyes the color of the calmest sea had depths of darkness within them. Her gown was nothing more than a simple drape of blue cotton twisting round her perfect body and I envied the way it held to every curve of her. She stopped within a few steps and sat in the chair which suddenly appeared behind her. In every aspect, she was regal, royal; a princess stepped from within a painting and I knew that never would I see another who would match her in any way.
She sat silently watching me but I had no words. My mind was spinning as if the mists which still draped her had taken up occupancy within it. Hearing another footfall, I turned once again to the opening.
If I had thought none would ever match the woman in blue; I was mistaken. The lady who stepped forward was in perfect opposition. Her raven hair gleamed as it fell to her waist and her soft brown eyes had the texture of freshly brushed fur. Draped in a red silk gown that slithered over her, she was the perfect embodiment of sex. Watching as she took a second seat, I found that I could not stop admiring every move of her body. I knew that this woman would draw every eye wherever she went.
The third woman stepped onto the terrace. As diametrically different to one as to the other, the woman’s red hair and green eyes captivated. A perfect piece of art, she moved to take the third seat, arranging her green velvet skirts around her closely. When the three were in place, all eyes turned to me; still no one had spoken a word, but I felt more at ease amongst these women. I was horribly flawed next to them, yet I knew I belonged with them; at least...for this moment. | |
|
0 Comments | |
| Where do we go from here? |
Nov 28, 2007 10:02 pm
828 Views | I have a friend who's feeding me posts tonight...but this one has kept me intrigued in the back of my mind half the night...and since I just finished getting ready for my next test...I deserve a break before I tackle the homework.
We were talking about death...and her observation was that...when death came...she would just be...gone. She wouldn't be able to see another flower or a spring...she wouldn't be able to see how people went on without her...they would just go on and forget her.
Now...I know my thoughts about death and what comes next aren't the same as anyone else's...but here's a few things I think about it.
First of all...we don't forget those people we love just because they have moved on. Jenn died last year...I still think of her often...with both laughter and tears. I probably think of her more often because her death is so recent...and because I came so close to dying with her...but...even without that...I couldn't forget her. Or Tamara...who's boyfriend spun her car out in front of a semi and killed her. Or my fathr...or my grandmother...or any of the handful of friends I've lost. Each person I love is unique and special to me.
And I could never forget you. Always remember that. You are definitely unique to me.
I also think that...we are never fully gone from this place so long as one person remembers us...even if it is only once a year...with a soft smile of reminisence....still...we live for them. You have a daughter...and grandchildren...you will live for years beyond your own passing.
And here's how I see life...I see this as a huge training ground for us. I see this as...not our real life...but something like a moment in time from our real life. I think we are so much more than we ever see or remember here. And when you go back home...when you step back into your own life...you will remember...and you will see...a flower...a spring...the people you love...they aren't going anywhere...and eventually...they will join you and prepare for a new adventure.
I think that...what we believe is what we find. Don't believe you are just gone. If that's all there is...what is the purpose of living? There is so much more...and you are only just beginning.
And always...I will remember you...you are memorable...you are a dear friend...and you are special...you will live for me long and long after you are gone....or I will live for you...it works both ways.
What do you believe? Is there something more? What is it? Where do we go from here? | |
|
5 Comments | |
| All That I Am..... |
Nov 28, 2007 8:49 pm
779 Views | I was talking to someone tonight and she made a comment that surprised me, although it isn't the first time I've ever heard it. She said that something she was really afraid of was that she would say or do something to make me stop talking to her...stop being her friend. I've heard that comment several times and it always bothers me. I'm not quite sure what people think of me...but I'm nothing special, nothing different....no one but you...living basically the same kind of life in a different state.
If you cut me, I bleed; if you hurt me, I cry; if you laugh with me...I will laugh; if you treat me like a friend, I will be the best friend I know how. I get sick like everyone else; I get injured like everyone else (well...maybe more often cause I'm a CLUTZ and slip on ice from time to time...with or without my car). I slip up and hurt people, too. I am not always there when you wish I would be...I also have commitments to live up to. Like everyone else, I tend to be intensely passionate about everything in my life...and what I love...I love with every bit of me.
I love building friendships. I love people with most all their quirks and foibles. I am not fond of people who choose to hurt others...I am not fond of people who play games...I am not fond of those who lie or use bigoted words. But...for the most part...once you are a friend of mine...you have to work hard to end that friendship.
My friends have hurt me...rarely intentionally. I don't handle intentional well..but we all hurt one another unintentionally from time to time. My friends laugh at me and make fun of me...but never for the few things that matter desperately to me; they also take the abuse back from me. My friends are playful, sensitive, silly, wild, intelligent, creative, passionate, wonderful people...each one different from the next.
I tend to give people lots of chances...cause I always want to believe in them...so..they have to really want to get rid of me. Hurt me more than a couple of times...intentionally; hurt other people intentionally; hurt an animal intentionally; use words that are bigoted or prejudiced. I usually give a warning or two...after that...I'm done. I don't have any desire to look down on anyone else.
Lie to me. That one's a deal-breaker for me. A single lie that is more than just a playful teasing. I don't do lies at all. Once I don't trust you...I don't trust you. Only twice in my life have people come back from that place...I don't often afford a second chance to hurt my trust.
The person I was talking to tonight told me they loved knowing they could ask me anything and I would help as much as I could. That's true...that's who I am. What I know...I share...always with the codicil that you should check it out to ensure it is still true...or true in your area. What I have means very little to me...it's all stuff and I need to cut down on stuff. Who I am...my dignity...the little-bit of self-respect I have...my personal standards...in the end...that's all I really have. That's me. Never try to take any part of me away...and you will not lose my friendship.
All I am is you...in my body...what would it take you to give up a friendship? | |
|
6 Comments | |
| To link to this blog (Ari_fairy) use [blog Ari_fairy] in your messages. |
|
|
|
|
| Sun |
Mon |
Tue |
Wed |
Thu |
Fri |
Sat |
| |
|
|
|
|
1
|
21
|
|
31
|
41
|
5
|
61
|
71
|
8
|
9
|
10
|
11
|
12
|
13
|
14
|
15
|
16
|
17
|
181
|
19
|
20
|
21
|
22
|
23
|
24
|
25
|
26
|
27
|
28
|
29
|
30
|
31
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
