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Ari-Wood
  
Welcome to Ari-Wood. Step right up and see the sights. To your left, you will see the delicate fragility of fairy land. On the right, watch out for the fiery dragons. For your safety, we recommend you stay on the path and don't stray into the netherworlds of risk and chance. Alternatively, perhaps you like the benefits that go along with taking that chance..........

All rights to the poetry and stories in Ari-Wood
belong exclusively to the author.

That which is not mine,
That which is not good,
That which is not altruistic....
Is requested to leave.

The stories and poems encased in this crystal blog are written from my own imagination and in no way are intended to be viewed as written to any specific person unless I specifically state that it is.

My heart is a book which you leaf through as simply as the pages of this blog..

Antiqued an worn
The words bleed
From a hidden place
Deep within my chapters
Where only one can see
And whispering spirits tarry

Frayed are my edges
Yet my gliding
Remains beautiful
Not a mere ornament
But a testament to the tooling
Which has geared my life

Sown tightly is my binding
I have weathered the years
I shine with wisdom an character
Like no other book
Yet my cover bares the marks
Of ordinary use

Turn my pages lightly
And you shall read
My hued memories
Of dreams and dreaminess
Of times and timelessness
Of lives and liveliness

Upon my inner pages
Are scribbled
Achromatic dreams
My love
My hopes
My life

You are such a treasured book
All my love, Sister of my heart
(Written by a special sister of my heart...MsAlchemy2...a special gift...I wanted to share.)
Title View |
Defining Moments Mar 13, 2008 10:42 pm
1106 Views
There are moments...when silence is the loudest sound and emptiness is the fullest word.
14 Comments
Re-Evaluating Mar 13, 2008 7:40 pm
1040 Views
Just when I think I'm getting it all together...I step back and look at how disorganized things are. It makes me crazy to be disorganized...so I'm trying to figure out just what I need to put in order to feel...under control. It's been an interesting little adventure, and it will be even more interesting to see if I actually make it there.

I think it really started a few days ago...when I realized my office officially looks worse than my boss' office. That's unthinkable. I always tease him when he gets his desk covered in papers..but suddenly...mine looks deeper than his does. I usually can't go home at night until I have everything totally organized and in place...but the past couple of months...there's been so much to do...I haven't had time to get things organized. When my desk is sloppy like that...I feel...overwhelmed...by the chaos. I feel...stuck....as if I don't know what to do next.

So...I made a quick effort to organize what I could...and got more of it off my desk....and I still have a mountain...but it's smaller...and I may go in this weekend to get it...at least...organized and be able to feel...as if I have it under some kind of control.

It didn't make it better when I came home and realized...my desk at home looks similar to my desk at work. I have lots of notes across it...poems...books I keep meaning to read...homework...just....things not put away or dealt with immediately. That's so not like me...and I realized that it was only adding to that sense that I am being...overwhelmed by circumstances. Today...I have more than half of it organized, dealt with...put away. Still a fair bit to do...but I don't feel as lost in the mess.

I haven't had a cigarette in two days. No one knows that but me...I didn't want anyone to know. I tried to quit at the first of the month...but a hellacious battle with my ex had me reaching for my cigarettes this weekend. This time...it's not something he knows I'm trying to do...nor that girl at work who makes me so crazy with her...."So...did you smoke while you were down in the plant? Did you smoke last night? Let me see if I can smell tobacco on you." Please. Get a life. I can police myself. I don't need a babysitter.

I'm very proud of myself for those two days. There have been moments when it has been incredibly stressful...and I've desperately wanted a cigarette....but they diminish each day...and I just keep telling myself...I can get through anythng. I can do it. I wish I believed it better than I do right now...but...we take it one minute at a time...and just...get through that minute until it's not hard again. I hate that I smoke...and I've hated it for years. Last year I decided I wanted to quit. This year...I'm making it happen....I believe I can do it. I can do it.

A friend of mine...who loves me very much...offered me $900 if I remained smoke free until March 29 of next year....he's been trying to get me to quit for hmmm....nearly four years. I can do a lot for $900...but...I'm not giving up cigarettes for him...or anyone else....I'm giving them up because I hate that I need them. I hate how much they cost...I hate everything about them. I will not let myself NEED anything. However...money can...expedite my process...lol..

Another friend teased me until I got past my fear of my beautiful cockatoo...and let her kiss me. She hates people...someone has hurt her badly at some point...but she loves kisses and now...every time I get near her cage she leans down and clicks her tongue which is her sign for kisses. So...I've been kissing that hard beak and getting past my own nervousness that she will take a chunk out of my lips. It's amazing how cool it is that as much as she hates to be touched....she will lean down to be kissed...and she really wants those kisses. Does that remind you of people? In lots of ways...it reminds me of me.

I'm so scared of being hurt again....but I want so badly to love and be loved. That wasn't a part of the discussion that led to my kissing my girl...but it was an eye-opening part of what has happened since then. We so often believe animals are...inhuman...don't have emotions...and yet...when we really look at them...they are not so different from us....and sometimes we can see ourselves in their behaviour. Maybe that...seeing myself in her behavior is a big part of why I've kept her and loved her for the past eight or nine years....maybe somewhere deep down...she reminded me of me.

Mer and I had....words...this weekend. I had already decided that when he goes to Denver in July...he is staying there. He's decided he will go by the end of May. He's a very weird kind of man...and this one is getting to me. Saturday I listened as he told me everything I do wrong...every way I "use" him...everything ugly about me. I haven't yet responded to anything he's said. I needed to get past the shock at everything he had to say....and the way he chose to say it. He's brought it up a couple of times...and I've been pretty blunt that I need to be able to put my thoughts into a constructive form rather than to wound with words.

I think that Saturday will be my turn. I really don't want to get into the argument...I paid for the stress level last weekend...all I want is to make it clear that the sooner he can move out...the happier I will be....and him as well. The part he doesn't understand...is that now that his debt is gone...I don't feel responsible and I can't be...shamed into feeling guilty. The other part he doesn't know...is that I have waited a long time for this to be HIS choice...the more it is his choice...the less violent I think this ending is likely to be. It's way past time.

The part that disturbs me...is that he rips me apart with everything he has to say about how bad I am...waits three days...and thinks he should try telling me again that he loves me. You don't have to destroy people you love. That isn't love...it's just...more of the same. When you have me broken...you think you can win. I don't break as easily these days as I once did. I'm not broken, Mer. I'm standing here holding the door open. Use it.

I saw the Groper today. He tells me I need a minor operation in the next few weeks. I'm not willing to have the operation. I've seen this one...and I know how painful it is. I don't do pain. The results don't matter to me as much as the way we get there. Even if they find what they are looking for...I'm not willing to have the treatment. I'm kind of between a rock and a hard place here. The treatment will leave me vulnerable to any bug that comes my way...and because I've used antibiotics to protect my heart all these years...I don't respond well to them now. We've reached a place where....I generally need shots of fairly high powered antibiotics if I get an infection. So...we strip away my ability to fight bacteria....at the same time we've taken away their ability to kill off the bacteria. Does that make any sense to you? Cause it sure feels illogical to me.

I told the Groper I was looking at alternatives which irritated him no end. He tells me he doesn't have time to work with anyone who won't help themselves. Well ok then....I personally thought I was thinking this through logically....and looking for...better alternatives. Guess that shows me. And you wonder why I dislike doctors.

I got...am open invitation to visit a friend who is moving to Seattle while her husband is in Egypt. I'm going to take that invitation at some point later this year....I have lots of relatives in that area....and they are actually not far from her. I'd love to spend at least a week with my grandmother anyway...and oh my...I think Cathy and my grandmother would so hit it off...two strong willed women who love with all their hearts....I can almost see me being in trouble between these two ladies. It made me feel so good to get that invitation...and to know that this friendship...is being held open.

As for the rest...I am simply taking one day at a time. I have no idea where anything in my life will go or not go...I am letting it be an adventure...and just moving through it...one step at a time. Three people I think very highly of...have reminded me that sometimes we take baby steps to reach our goal....I'm not good at that. I tend to move through life swiftly, assuredly, and with long strides. But....perhaps that's how I got to this place. Perhaps it is time to learn to take baby steps. I'm kind of afraid of that...afraid that eventually...time will run out and I won't have experienced everything I long to experience...but in other ways...I like letting things build...to where they will or won't be. It's an interesting ride....and a change from the usual roller coaster I tend to climb on. Funny thing that...I hate roller coasters. I won't ride them...but I've certainly let them be a major part of my life.

Anyway....there you have it. Life is changing...and slowly...I am changing with it. I guess we'll just see...where the next year or two bring us....and hope that it is a better place.

What about you? What's chaning...in your world...and how are you facing it?
14 Comments
Seeking Understanding Mar 11, 2008 10:32 pm
1224 Views
As I write these words, I draw my robe more closely around me; chilled to the bone by the cold night air. I long to wrap a blanket around me..or perhaps strong arms to draw me back against a warm chest where I can feel....as if I have come home...safe...warm...loved. There is comfort to be drawn from those who love...soft lips whispering...it will be all right...I love you. Soft touches, reassuring, holding, pushing away all that frightens.

I do not reach...or expect...only allow..what will be to be...what will not...will not. I cannot choose the right or wrong...it will choose me. Lord and Lady's promise that all will be as it must be...will have to be enough for now. It feels...inadequate and I am frightened to my core...but these things too...will pass.

And I remind myself....that which has been...has been and cannot be changed. That which will be...will be...and it will be in its own time. That which will not be...will not be...for its own reason. I do not have to understand it...to know it is so...but it would so help if I could understand.

Lord and Lady
Open my eyes to that
Which I refuse to see
Open my lips to that
Which I refuse to speak
Open my arms to those
Who hold me close
Open my heart to that
Which holds it safe
Open my soul....
To truth...and understanding.

I do not ask that you give or change.
While my heart longs to fight
For all that I choose for myself,
I am aware that not all choices I would make
Are choices that would lead me further
On this path I have stepped upon.
For all this...
Still...I wish you would show me
Your reasons...that I may find comfort
In understanding.

Guide my feet in surety on my path
Guide my eyes to see that which you would show
Guide my voice to speak that which you would share
Guide my heart to love all who cross my path
Guide my soul...to understanding
That I may know peace.
13 Comments
For all of you... Mar 10, 2008 11:11 pm
1238 Views
I watch some of my friends healing...and blooming...and I am so very proud of you. You have accomplished so much...reached out...touched a heart...become a more loving or forgiving person. Sometimes...those precious gifts are all that stand between us...and the frigid winter wind.

Your hearts have grown so much...and you have opened them...shared them...taken risks...and used those risks to help yourself...what a beautiful instant...that moment when you look into your mirror...and see someone...deeper...lovelier...inside your own soul.

The journey made with you has been an adventure...and I am so very pleased to see you pulling....harder...digging...deeper...and extending yourself...to that next level. What you have gained is immeasurable. Be proud of you. Stand tall...be beautiful...and be loved.

You are...very much.

***********************************************

The icy snow was slippery beneath her feet and she stepped cautiously with tiny movements lest she fall to the ground and be unable to move again. Tears drifted down her cheeks in lazy rivulets; not deep enough to score the skin, but the cold etched them as if cut into glass...glazing the pale skin beneath them.

No warmth remained within her skin; the wind had leached it from her pores as if it were water being drawn to the depths of the sand. The cape wrapped round her and she clung desperately to the edges. It was a battle to retain possession against the storm which battered her with crystalized snow, ripping the fabric from her hands as if to taunt her. The wind spoke within her mind, "Puny mortal. You cannot stand against me. I will break you into memories on the snow."
In her heart, it was already so.

Tiny stumbling steps led her through the bitter forest, dead with winters scars upon the branches of trees forgotten by the seasons. She paused a moment to lean against the largest of the trunks, but the chill emanating from the bark...gouged what tiny hope remained...and she stepped forward once again.

Stones rising from the ground barred her passage and her eyes desperately sought to close in exhaustion as she searched for the lost opening. It was a barely remembered dream, this place that she had seen and come to heal within. Her hands chafed and frozen by the elements, still she passed them slowly across the surfaces....searching...her heart failing as her fingers numbed.

It was a simple root which proved her failing...and salvation. Within the drifts of freshly fallen snow, she could not know the root had risen...forced from the ground by the heaving caused as frost solidifies the surface. It wrapped around her ankle and she fell before she realized that she was trapped....a tiny gnat batting against the haunting whistle of the demons dancing cross the treetops.

Still...whilst falling she did manage to slip within the new found fissure in the rock. And she knew not.
8 Comments
Calling the Keepers of the Yellow Tongie Mar 10, 2008 10:25 pm
1314 Views
It would appear...that the symbolic yellow tongie of the Keeper...has been stolen. There are two prize culprits at this time...the irascible and the Stinky Cheese Man....JR Smeagoll.

Ladies...it behooves us to go forth and reclaim the yellow tongie...we all know those....men...will desecrate it by peeking at it lasciviously....as if they knew any other way.

There is no other solution but that we use all resources available...beginning with the indomitable Pink Commando.....to bring these men to hell...heel....
18 Comments
Family Ties Mar 10, 2008 7:18 pm
1031 Views
My family astounds me. I love them dearly...I don't always like them...and they do always confuse me. I guess I've always had certain expectations of what a family is...particularly in terms of the idea that families stand together...no matter what. I know...that's a strange belief in light of my family history...perhaps it's always just been a dream...I'm not sure. Right now...I really need them to listen...and hear me.

Anyway...my brother called me last night. Now...he typically calls once a week...at least...to just talk...but this time he called to complain about my mother. She had come in from work and said she was taking the four of them to dinner...and he was driving. It made him mad that she didn't ask if he had plans (Well...surely she could see if you were on your computer or not)...or if he WANTED to drive them to dinner.

Let me get this right...she's paying for dinner for you and your kids...and you want to be asked to drive?

Well....but I didn't want to drive.

Ok.

It's a principle.

Well...let me splain this to you. It's great to stand on principle...when you are at least paying your own way. It's pretty much a moot point when she is.

But...I didn't say anything wrong...I just looked at her.

You forget...I have those looks, too. Those looks are not nice...and she knows you are mad...and let me guess...now she's mad too.

Well...yeah.

Oh goody.

Ok...now that I've made him mad...he brings up his kids private school...and that he is REQUIRED to volunteer a whole 15 hours a year...and he simply doesn't have that much time to give them.

Well ok...so put your kids in public school and stop worrying.

I want them in the private school.

Then volunteer the time.

I could be looking for a job in that time.

No...you could be on a computer game in that time. You aren't going out to apply for a job...why would that start now? (I'm thinking my patience is just about gone.)

So...now he's barely speaking to me. I do this talking to my family thing well.

Hey Chip...I need to talk to you and Mom.

Mom's not talking to anyone today.

Yeah...nothing new there. Ok...then I'll talk to you and you can explain it to Mom...and she can be bent cause I didn't tell her first...and myself.

Why should I want to hear what you have to say? You wouldn't listen to me.

You know what? You're right. I don't have the energy to fight with you two...or to deal with your fights...I'll talk to you next time...and could you ask Mom to call me back?

Call her yourself.

Yeah right...when she isn't talking to anyone. That's helpful..thanks.

Tonight my sister called me.

Hey how you doing?

Our mother needs to grow up.

Oh crap...here we go again. What did she do this time?

She isn't talking to me.

Welcome to my life.

She's acting so immature.

And that changed when?

I call her twice a day...and she acts like this?

You call her twice a day? What are you a glutton for punishment?

I can't believe she treats me like this.

You know what, Ronda...you aren't going to change her...she's just getting worse. Let it go and forget about it.

That works for you...but she always talks to me.

Thanks. I appreciate that.

So I listen to her vent for awhile...a long while. No big deal...let her vent...about anything and everything that's bothering her...work...one of her employees...mother...our brother...dah dah dah dah dah.....

Hey Ronda?

Yes?

I need to talk to you. It's kind of important to me.

Can I call you tomorrow? Wade just walked in and wants his dinner.

You know what? It's no big deal...don't worry about it. Go feed your family and I'll talk to you some other time.

When did it become so hard...to get them to hear me?
16 Comments
They'll Never Know Mar 9, 2008 11:17 pm
1018 Views
Tears threaten as I think of all that will or will not be. Come...walk the path with me; hold tight my hand lest absent-mindedly I fall outside the light. I've no more fight and no desire to test the limits of my bounds. Yet still the sounds...so hungrily they call to me. And cannot be.

Be still my soul; for just an instant of the time that cannot pass. No tender lass; her heart was laid upon the stump. He held the trump, the axe he wielded sharpened tight and honed. Let her be boned; no longer fit to walk amongst her peers. Nor yet for years.

Eyes clouded with the hopes of that which was; dreamt within stars. She was the candle that ignited tragic wars. Poison, men had called her; still her heart remained intact...if somewhat cracked.

And would he hold it for the moment or the nonce? If only once...within her trembling skin she pleaded...to be needed...only wanted...always haunted...by the dreams that never could be...ever would be...past her reach. Hear her beseech.....

His gentleness was her undoing...as his hand reached out to lift her...a broken heart he did not gift her...simply smiled inside the sunlight and the glow became the one light that could hold her clear. A man so dear that as his soul spoke out...not yet a shout but whispered dreams into her mind. For her to find.

Her body battered by the minds of those who's desperation finds a need to break her; cannot shake her. Still...within the woman's core; neither innocent nor whore, she knew the seed was grown...until full-blown...it would wreak havoc on her life...a bitter twisting knife that as her heart should open wider...still her love would be denied her...no one should know....it doesn't show....my heart...let go.
12 Comments
The Things We Do For Love..... Mar 9, 2008 3:46 pm
1098 Views
I was talking to a friend today...let me tell you who it was...since she led me so far astray...Thanks...Flo....

We were trying to please another friend...by finding him....a..."rooster"...if that's what you want to call it. It's amazing what comes up when you search for "rooster" on the net.

First...we did manage to find him a few BEAUTIFUL babies...he could love. We will be sharing them one at a time...as he earns them....contact me for information on how you can earn your "rooster".

Along with the roosters...we learned about a new web site. Did you know...that if you click on rooster sites long enough...you get a site called porn tube? I'm telling you it's true. You can find all the "roosters" you ever wanted there. And to be honest...they really like visitors...so much that they won't let you leave...unless you watch a full video. I know this because I spent an hour clicking on go back...please...go back...please....close this site...I have my eyes closed...don't make me look.

After an hour...the site gave up. By then....I'd seen so many "roosters"..I have no doubt in my mind exactly what they look like. And I hope...to never see another...at least online....

So Smeagoll...I found your "rooster"....why would you put it on a web site like that?
16 Comments
For Smeagoll Mar 9, 2008 3:26 pm
1075 Views
Dear Smeagoll.....

We wanted to ensure you were happy and wouldn't leave us to find a new baby rooster. So those of us who almost like you went out looking for your new baby.

Here you go, Bud....I'd avoid it's beak if I were you.
15 Comments
When Do We Love...part 2 Mar 8, 2008 3:08 pm
1029 Views
I left to go to the store...and didn't realize part of this post was cut off...I know it's long...it's my thoughts at work.... So now we'll see...if I can rewrite the rest....
************************************************

Can I love you if I've never seen you? Can I love you if I've never heard your voice? Can I truly know who you are? Perhaps I can only ever know that part of you that you show me...but I have often found that when people share pain....or love...they share far more of themselves than than they realize. In conversation we often have to think quickly, concisely...and it reveals a great deal about people.

Occasionally I have found that people I instinctively trusted...truly have not reached the place where they live their words. Or perhaps...their words were a sham from the beginning. And sometimes I find the opposite...that a gruff or brash persona masks a heart that cares deeply and truly; and the exterior is a shield to prevent people touching too deeply. I know this...I live this.

At the point that I can hear your deepest thoughts in your words...and believe me...I don't listen for the mistakes in our words...I listen for the love and caring behind them...at the point where you have...opened up and shown me who you are inside...you are a part of my heart...and I will never willingly let you go. Those who are a part of my heart...remain within it forever. I love you with all my heart...and I will always be there to love you...to help you...to be a part of your circle...as you are a part of mine.

I know...many people are more visual than this. I know so many people who believe...they cannot open up to anyone they haven't seen...touched...been in close proximity to. I know this. I know that many people believe that attraction is physical and based upon appearances. From this perspective...I would be asking you to live up to whatever my ideal was in appearances. I simply can't...and won't.

I don't care what you look like physically. Yes, it is wonderful to have a face I can associate with your voice or your name...but faces are...not who we are. We are born with specific characteristics...I have dark brown hair with red highlight. I have hazel eyes...more green than brown. I have one blind eye. I am tall...for the average height of women. I am inclined to build muscles easily and have a bit denser bone structure. I have big feet. I have full lips. I have short fingers. Can I change any of those things...by choosing to change them? Of course not. I can have plastic surgery...but why would I care? If you can't live with my blind eye...or my red highlights...that's a personal issue...because none of those things make me who I am.

As time passes, I age. I get more gray in my hair (and dye it more frequently)...my skin ages and becomes more inclined to fine wrinkles...my breasts lose their elasticity...or gain it...when I find them...I'll tell you. Maybe I walk a bit more stooped...or my bones creak as I move. Maybe I am sore more often...or less flexible. I'm changing. So are you. If I love you today for how you look....will I still love you in ten years when you have changed totally? Not if my love is based on your appearance.

Who are you really? You are not your gray hair or your perfect six pack...you are not that lusty man who can throw me on the bed and please me for six days straight (ok...slight exaggeration)...you are the person inside that body. The person I came to know through our conversations. The person whose heart speaks to my own. The person who cares with all their heart...and tries always to be better...stronger...more giving. That's the person I know...and the person I care about.

Yes...meeting one another is a great thing. I loved meeting Carolyn and Lisa...truly I loved it. But it changed NOTHING in how I see either one of them. I loved them before I met them...I love them now. They touch my heart with their laughter and humor...and they touch my soul with their caring...and I never needed to see either one to know that.

I love Cat as a sister...and Dan as a brother...and nothing will ever change that. They are who they are...deep inside...and nothing on the outside can change who they are. I love people for the people they are...for the changes they make..for the desire to grow...for the hearts they open...and that has nothing to do with being able to touch your hand...or look into your eyes. If I doubt you so much...that I need to do that....there is something wrong...and I am probably making a mistake.

So...I'm curious...at what point...do you know you love a person...as a friend...as a sister to your heart...as a lover...and what does it take for you to be sure..to know your heart is involved...you care maybe more than you wanted to...and both of you...are REAL?
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