| The Nut Case |
May 20, 2008 11:33 pm
690 Views | Two unexpected gifts. I know I've written about one before....several years ago I had an unusual experience. As a child, I had received an injury that should have killed me. Like all people who receive injuries of this caliber, I had always wondered why I lived through the accident. Why had I been allowed to live....when most people would have died? What was it I was living for?
One night....I had crawled into a hot bath and allowed the heat of the water...and the scent of the lavender to relax me totally. As I sat there absently focusing on nothing....I suddenly knew....what my purpose was; not in brilliant clarity with every detail outlined....but the job I was supposed to complete before my time ended. The job really doesn't matter here and now...I will know when I have done it.
The experience was....fascinating, elating, confusing, frightening...and I called Kelly...just to ask her if I was losing my sanity. A long discussion later...I knew I was not...but I really wasn't a lot closer to where I needed to be. Time has given me further information...but still....I do not know every detail of what I am to do.
I think it is meant to be that way. We must make choices in life. If we knew what our purpose was...fully...we would either do it or not do it...but we would learn nothing from it. By making the choices we make everyday...we either move closer to completing that task...or further away. We cannot be forced to complete it...only guided...and allowed to choose for ourselves. I have chosen to take the steps I believe I am meant to take to complete this task...which certainly doesn't mean I will always make the right choices....or that I will ever achieve my goal.
Have you decided I am nuts yet?
The past few weeks have been...stressful...and stressfree....wonderful and filled with laughter....and hauntingly sad and strangely frightening. It's a mixed bag as life often is. There are stresses related with tackling life on your own...although those stressors are substantially less than the ones I faced living with my ex. There is a certain amount of loneliness...but it is not nearly as bad as I feared it would be. I am happier....more satisfied...and each day...I build a little more self confidence and self-esteem...two things I have sorely lacked.
I have a number of strange insecurities. I have felt...as if I were worthless...for most of my life....unacceptable...unpresentable...unlovable. It's very difficult to step back from those beliefs I internalized...and learn to believe in myself. I've had a lot of help. Kelly and Flo call regularly to make sure I am ok...to make sure I am not lonely....to make sure I haven't stupidly jumped off the roof of the house (ok, I made that up).
They aren't the only people who call regularly...but they certainly keep the phone lines hopping. Still....at the end of the day...when I crawl into bed...I wish....very hard...that I could hear his voice just one more time as I drift into sleep...that I could feel him closer....that the distance...did not exist. I can't change that. It is what it is until the time is right for it not to be as it is. Convoluted; I know.
Last night I curled up in bed and the dog crawled up on my chest and lay there breathing his stinky puppy breath in my face. Ok, I wanted to die. I did...have you ever smelled puppy breath? Ick. Truly...I simply lay there thinking through the day, planning out the next day...relaxing myself into sleep. At some point...I rolled to the side and curled up under the comforter. I felt a hand on my hip....wrap around my waist and pull me up close against....someone....no one...it just was. I felt my body relax totally and let go...and I drifted into sleep...comforted, loved, safe. I haven't consciously felt unsafe...but it was an element of what I felt last night.
Throughout the night...as I woke and slept....I simply felt....held....and necessary...and protected. And strangely....I realized that I've never felt that way before.
Tonight...as I spoke to Kelly, I got tired of sitting at my desk and went back to curl up under the comforter. I simply lay there and listened to the story Kelly told....and I felt that same hand...pull me close to them...and hold me. It is an amazingly unerving feeling to realize that...even though you thought you were relaxed before...you were not. Now...now...you are relaxed; every muscle in your body has just...let go...and softened. It feels....warm...loved...as if someone had just rolled over in the bed and gathered me close.
Is there someone in my bed? No....and I don't need there to be. Is my house haunted? No...and never has been. Truly....all that I can say is that somewhere...someone...has wrapped me close in their thoughts....and offered love...without asking anything in return. And my heart cries out with the beauty of it.
To the universe....to those who care...to everyone...thank you...and I love you, too.
Signed....
The Nut Case | |
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8 Comments | |
| As We Change.... |
May 20, 2008 11:10 pm
573 Views | Those of you who were here when I started blogging...will remember that when I first came here...I primarily focused on writing my poems....and my stories...and letting out all the pain in my past. I didn't come here to do that...I sort of tripped and found myself here. But...while I was here...I began to write my life story in bits and pieces. Clearly...the time had come for me to let go of that past...and the universe led me to a place I could do that. Is it really that simple? Yes....it's really that simple. It always is.
In time....most of the pain had been written out of my system...and with Kelly's help...I let go of the residual. It was cathartic for me...and I found that it changed the person I was in lots of ways I didn't expect. Yes...it softened me...it also left me somewhat raw and open to wounding. Truly, there was a part of my life I hadn't let go of...and hadn't healed from. Earlier this month...I let that part of my life go....and I focused on healing from it.
Now...I'm not going to sit here and tell you I am healed...all better, new and improved version of the wicked witch of the west. I'm not. But...the pain is not there. I don't live in it. I am not afraid. Sometimes I am not afraid to the point of stupidity...but there is very little that frightens me right now. The past is dead...and gone...and will remain that way. I have no need to discuss it...no need to work through it.
What's left....are the residuals. The pieces of me that learned to live the way I lived. The pieces of me that learned that survival...with any small degree of happiness...depended on behaving a certain way...on expecting certain reactions....on accepting certain limitations. Unlearning those behaviors is not nearly as simple as I thought it would be. I can't make it happen faster because I want it to...all I can do...is pray for wisdom.
"Lord and Lady...please guide me to see the changes I need to focus on...the methods which will most help me achieve those changes. Guide me to be the person I am meant to be. Give me the courage to take the steps I must take....and the wisdom to recognize them."
This is a part of the prayer I whisper every night. Lead me...show me...teach me. Not give to me.
As always...I find that I am not only given what I am ready to handle...but I am given small gifts along the way. Small gifts....knowledge...comfort...friendships. This place has been particularly generous to me in the form of friendships. So many people here that I have come to truly love. So many who have held out their hand to me...or have felt me hold mine out to them....and one particularly special man who touched me with the simplicity of honesty...who gives of himself in ways no one has ever given to me before...who holds me close when I hurt and gives me joy in place of tears, anticipation in place of fears....who asks nothing in return...and never has...and who holds my heart gently....
Over the past five years, aside from my work...home...school, I have been given two gifts that I never expected to find or feel...and really...that's what I wanted to talk about tonight. | |
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| Wicca Does NOT Equal Witch |
May 20, 2008 10:51 pm
601 Views | I find that the universe gives what we need...not actually when we may need it....but when we are ready to deal with it. Is that a nonsensical outlook?
Life has given me a mixed bag....great pain, great healing, great friendships, and a gentle love that totally rocks my world. Don't tell him I said so. Not all things have come to me when I wished they would....or left me when I most needed them to leave...but all things have come to me at a time I am most capable of handling them. It's an interesting concept.
Everyone knows I am Wicca. Many people believe Wicca stands for witchcraft...white witchcraft...although a true Christian sees witches in shades of black. There are no white witches. I will tell you I am not a witch...nor do I believe in witchcraft. The basic belief of Wicca begins with....An you harm none, do as you will. That's a difficult concept to encompass.
The idea behind it is that...any harm I bring to another...knowingly or unknowingly...carries a price in return multiplied by a factor of three. We believe in threes. I try very hard never to harm anyone else. I've paid a lot of heavy prices through my life...that I sometimes believe are tied to my actions in a previous life.
The second basic concept behind Wicca...is that it is not an organized religion...it is a spiritual way of living that can and is practiced both in groups....called covens (oh Havens...there's a witch word)....or by solitary practitioners. I have always practiced my beliefs as a aolitary practitioner....I do not believe in any kind of organized...structured practice. I believe that I can worship as I believe...with my own form of structure..in ways that suit me.
Wiccans can believe in a single God...in Jesus...in multiple deities. Basically...we are free to believe as we believe and none will ever judge us for those beliefs. That is what drew me strongest to this....form of spirituality. I believe in purity....in unity....in uniqueness...and in the rights of each to choose as they choose...without judgment.
There are two reasons Wiccans are called witches...because they call themselves witches frequently....which keeps people who are just wanting to get close for the sake of curiosity away...and because they believe they can "cast spells". I don't believe in casting spells....although I have studied the concept of spell casting extensively. When I look at the procedures...the concept...the techniques...what I see is a ritual...much as the Catholic church uses ritual in their masses. In my personal opinion....we do not cast spells as much as we focus the power of our mind...and all that is above and beyond us....in a ritualized ceremony....in a form of visualization...on that...one thing we wish to produce in our lives.
Picture it this way....we channel our energy in a positive belief that things will happen as we visualize it. It is not "casting a spell"....it is visualization....hmmmm...a strangely respected concept. Do the trappings of ceremony change the reality of what is done? I think not. Just as I focus my energy in a positive way on healing...on letting go...on changing...so I can focus it on what I desire to have in my life.
I've never done that. I have always chosen to focus on change...emotional, spiritual, intellectual change. Knowledge. When I pray...I pray for the knowledge to take my next steps in wisdom. I pray for understanding...let me understand why this person behaves the way they do...and if it is what is meant to be...let me learn to accept it...and if it is not meant to be...let it change.
I've been asked if I could/would cast a love spell for someone. No. I don't believe in them...and they violate the basic precepts of my faith. By it's very nature...if a love spell could work...it would involve changing a person against their will...and thus brings harm to them. There's a heavy price to pay. If it could work. I don't pray for love for me, either. If I did...it would be simple...bring into my life that one who fulfills my needs as I fulfill theirs. A visualization of the idea...not a spell...not directed to any person. Instead...I simply write my stories...and my poems...and watch what the universe brings into my world.
It brought me to this place. | |
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