| Grow Up |
May 18, 2008 10:15 pm
639 Views | It's been kind of a rough day here today. It got hotter than I like pretty early. I like upper 60s...thanks. I ran out of energy early on and had to literally force myself to finish cleaning up the front porch. Then I got a good look at the garage...and wanted to cry. So I closed the garage door and went inside to curl up in my refrigerated living room.
A swamp cooler...otherwise known as an evaporative cooler...runs water through straw pads and then draws cool air from them to cool your house. They work beautifully in an area like ours...high desert where the humidity is extremely low. On days when we have high humidity....don't bother...they won't cool a thing.
I didn't feel very good...so I curled up in my chair and tried to read a book our doctor dude said was good. I think I loathe his taste in books...I can't get past this one scene...and the whole book bores me to tears....so eventually I fell asleep. I think I must have needed it.
I've had a lot on my mind the past week or so...and I've been trying to work through them slowly. Let go of what doesn't matter...let go of your insecurity....let go of your fears. That's a whole lot easier said than done.
I can manage it for brief periods...but when they come back...it's a battle. For the most part...I tend to win the battle and let everything go. Even if it matters to me...I know that I can blow things out of proportion because I am feeling...inadequate...insecure...afraid. So...let it go and see what happens. You are bringing your own headaches down on yourself.
This weekend....I think I failed pretty miserably at letting go. I woke up from my nap crying...probably a mix of not feeling well...and the things that were on my mind. I'm feeling a little...stupid...and vulnerable right now...both feelings I loathe.
Instead of eating something healthy...I let my unhappiness choose for me...hmmm...a beer sounds good...cold....relaxing...wonderful for your blood sugars. It was ok....and then Kelly called. She didn't light into my butt right away...she let me get the next beer out and start drinking it before she took off on my eating habits. I see there are no secrets in the blogs...actually...she'd have asked...I'd have answered.
Why are you drinking tonight?
Cause I'm depressed. (I'm not depressed...I'm really feeling sorry for myself, I think.)
Not good enough. Why are you screwing with your blood sugars?
Cause I'm depressed and angry.
Ari...you can add all the words you want...it's not going to get you anywhere.
I'm depressed and angry and confused.
Not a good enough answer.
Have a beer, Kelly.
So we discussed everything that's been on my mind....and she reminded me that the ex is Sludge and I knew he would be a jerk...that I am not the center of the universe and sometimes a wall is a temporary barrier until a window can be built...and that I am being stupid. Well ok then.
She's right. There are choices I get to make now. I get to make them. I get to take responsibility for them. I have no issue with that. I get to decide when they are good decisions...or bad decisions. Another truth.
It isn't that I don't have the best of intentions...but there is definitely something heady about getting to make those decisions...without having to step back and wonder if I'm going to get yelled at, made fun of...or hit...for the choices I make. There's something even more heady about learning that I AM competent to do some of the stuff around the house. Heady....you let it go to your head...and you get cocky. Cocky = stupid.
So...I need to set some alarms to remind me when it's time to eat...and I seriously need to improve eating breakfast. I need to drink up the alcohol in the house and get rid of it...oh...ok...I just need to step back and remember that a glass of water will not make my system go nuts the same way alcohol will.... And I need to slow down just a little...cause overdoing it....is just as bad for me as my irregular eating/drinking habits....
Sometimes...a best friend is a person who can look you in the eyes and say....Grow up....take your head out...get a breath....and grow up.
I'm so lucky I have friends like that.
And Certs...let go....Kelly's not allowed to kick my butt any more....it's bruised all over the place right now.
I love you guys....and thanks... | |
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| Feed Me...... |
May 18, 2008 9:56 am
690 Views |  | It's been a long weekend....and it's going to get longer, I think. I'm taking a break right now; my body is screaming for food. Ever reach that point where your blood sugar drops hard and fast and you find yourself shaking and feeling really sick? I was trying to make the most of the cool morning air....but I think I've about run out of that anyway.
I can't believe we went from snow to hot in just a few short days. Ick. Can't we have a little spring somewhere in between?
I'm trying to keep Kelly from kicking my butt for the way I tend to ignore eating so I have some oatmeal, a hard-boiled egg, and turkey bacon cooking. Of course, I'm really hungry and needed to get something in my system so I've already eaten some sliced fruit and veggies.....
I've been doing a lot of reading about healthy diets. It sounds like I'm making a lot for breakfast....but I'm only eating a small packet of Kashi oatmeal (very natural), a single egg, and two slices of bacon. By eating it in very small quantities, I can get all the nutrients my body needs....without overeating. Funny....seems I eat a lot more now that I'm watching my diet....and I eat constantly...although mostly fruits and vegetables...and I feel great as long as I remember to eat. Servings are very tiny....but I'm having such a wide variety at every meal I eat properly....that it doesn't bother me. Of course....there are still too many meals that are a simple peanut butter and banana sandwich on flax seed bread....with some cottage cheese or yogurt....because it's fast and I can bring my blood sugars up in a hurry.
I've finally got my swamp coolers both working. Seems they weren't properly winterized and I've had to really work hard to get all the mineral deposits out of them....and replace the water lines to both since both of them had been damaged by freezing. Frustrating, but you know....I learned that I can be patient. I've had to replace the compression sleeves several times because I got the lines seated wrong and they compressed badly....and as I was hiding the line for the bedroom cooler...I realized I'm going to come up about 10' short for running it along the wall...but I haven't needed to curse or throw tools across the porch. I just undo the work I've done and try again. Of course, it helps that I just barely bought the tools so it's fresh in my mind how much they flipping cost. The hardware store loves me this weekend.
I'm only buying what I need for each job....but it's awfully expensive just to buy a set of wrenches....and then some pliers...and then some electrician's pliers....and it adds up in a hurry. What has had me cursing is every time I walk into the garage and realize just how much has been taken. Let it go...let it go....just never letting that man back on my property. I'll give a lot...and it was worth it to be free...but it makes me mad as fire to go replace things I have already bought once.
The water tap on the front of the house was leaking....and I learned how to repair them....really simple job....it amazes me how much I was convinced I couldn't do...and by golly....when you have to do it...you can learn just about anything. Today I'm going to tackle replacing the diverter for the main bathroom...I'm a little more intimidated at working with water in the house than outside.
I still haven't made myself face wiring the exterior lights....electricity really intimidates me...but my sis just looked at it and said...either do it...or hire someone. I refuse to pay someone to wire three simple lights. I can get over my nervousness....although I may have to turn the electricity off on all the circuits to feel comfortable doing it....what's it going to hurt? Hmmm....nothing.
I have a swing on my front porch...nothing fancy...just a store bought frame and swing. Eventually I'd like to build a wood swing to hang from the soffit...but that's a future job. I haven't made time to make new cushions for it so I went out and bought replacement cushions for now...and the swing is some seven or eight years old and badly faded....so I bought some dark green hammered metal finish spray paint and repainted it. It took me a ton of paint...and my grass is now painted a beautiful green....but so is my swing...and it is beautiful...not perfect...but who cares about perfection? I have to learn somewhere.
As you can see from the picture....I still have to sand and paint the posts on the porch, finish grouting the fake rock front...and fix the gutters where they came off this winter....but the porch is coming right along and will soon look.....wonderful....
Anyways.....breakfast is ready and I need to get back out there and finish cleaning the other side of the porch....before I cook myself to death in the heat. Did I ever mention that I can't stand hot weather?
Hope y'all are having a wonderful weekend....and I'll see ya soon....after I've had a bath...and a nap....and some relaxation.
Love ya....
Me |
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12 Comments | |
