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Blogs > Ari_fairy > Ari-Wood > May 13, 2008
Ari-Wood
Welcome to Ari-Wood. Step right up and see the sights. To your left, you will see the delicate fragility of fairy land. On the right, watch out for the fiery dragons. For your safety, we recommend you stay on the path and don't stray into the netherworlds of risk and chance. Alternatively, perhaps you like the benefits that go along with taking that chance..........

All rights to the poetry and stories in Ari-Wood
belong exclusively to the author.


That which is not mine,
That which is not good,
That which is not altruistic....
Is requested to leave.

The stories and poems encased in this crystal blog are written from my own imagination and in no way are intended to be viewed as written to any specific person unless I specifically state that it is.

My heart is a book which you leaf through as simply as the pages of this blog..

Antiqued an worn
The words bleed
From a hidden place
Deep within my chapters
Where only one can see
And whispering spirits tarry

Frayed are my edges
Yet my gliding
Remains beautiful
Not a mere ornament
But a testament to the tooling
Which has geared my life

Sown tightly is my binding
I have weathered the years
I shine with wisdom an character
Like no other book
Yet my cover bares the marks
Of ordinary use

Turn my pages lightly
And you shall read
My hued memories
Of dreams and dreaminess
Of times and timelessness
Of lives and liveliness

Upon my inner pages
Are scribbled
Achromatic dreams
My love
My hopes
My life

You are such a treasured book
All my love, Sister of my heart
(Written by a special sister of my heart...MsAlchemy2...a special gift...I wanted to share.)
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Believing in Myself May 13, 2008 11:20 pm
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I haven't got long...it's already midnight and I have another day with the auditors ahead of me. They can exhaust you really quick.

I've been trying to focus on the last part of letting go and healing from life. Funny....just when you think you are done....something else makes you realize...you aren't quite there.

I find it particularly amazing that...nearly as soon as Mer moved out....I stopped feeling any trace of the hurt that has been between us. I really thought it would take longer to let go of that past...but perhaps I was well past ready. Heck...I've been working through it forever.

What I'm working on now...is letting go of the lasting effects....the lack of self-confidence...the...expecting people to be critical...the fear of other people's reactions. I've spent a lifetime being judged and found wanting....I tend to expect people to continue judging me...and finding that I have failed once again. Intellectually...I know that's not true...not realistic...and that most people don't have any intention of ever hurting you. Emotionally....it's a little harder to heal from.

When people are critical of us...repeatedly critical without abatement...we internalize those opinions. If I hear often enough that I am stupid...eventually I begin to believe I am stupid. I've heard that a lot in my life...along with a hundred other...non-complimentary statements....and I gradually grew to believe those things were true of me. As I move through the days...I'm finding that I'm a whole lot less stupid and helpless than I thought.

No...everything is not done. Yes...there is a boat load to do. It will get done...in my time. Perhaps tomorrow I won't be worn out from the audit and I'll get the lawn mowed. And if not...it will be there Thursday night. It complicates things a little that when I get exhausted...I have to pay attention to it.

This weekend I hope to get my light fixtures installed on the porch. I'm kind of hoping I won't fall off the ladder or something equally stupid...but if I do...I will survive. I need the light fixtures to be up before I put the wood in. The person who had volunteered to help me put the sheets of wood up....pretty much backed out on me. He's very busy with our Turnaround coming up....and he's planned several vacations. I understand that. I'll have to figure out a different way to get the wood up to the awning. Not so bad...just timing.

I find that...as I move through each day....I think less and less....Mer would hate this...he would yell at me for doing this. I don't care what he would think, to be honest. As things get complicated...and I find a way through them....I feel a little more pride...a little more self-respect. It's an accomplishment...perhaps just a tiny one...perhaps not as much as I'd hoped to accomplish by now...but each accomplishment is a step towards my own healing.

Believing in myself doesn't come easy. My sis told me this weekend...that I'm not strong enough....or experienced enough to do a lot of things I want to do. That may be true. But each step that I take makes me stronger...and will make me more experienced. I don't want to depend on other people to do for me....although a helping hand would be a great and wonderful thing. I want to learn to do for myself.

No...I can't do everything...and yes...screwing up some things WILL cost me money...and I will whine. But how do I learn what I can and can't do...if I don't try? And if I always hire people to do for me....look how much I'll never learn....and even when I screw up....it's not a bad thing. We have to fail at some things in life...in order to appreciate what we can excel at. In a strange way...I'm looking forward to failing at some things....because at least I'll have tried.

Without anyone to tell me that I can't....I can do it...and by doing it...I can learn...to believe in myself. And truly....that's an important lesson for me. Believing....
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