 | Blogs > 4ever_fun > ~theplacewherenothinghappens~ > My view of yesterday, as I sit in today. |
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When you called last night and told me about your crisis I could feel my mind kick into fix-it mode. Why do I do that with you? I feel some need to mother you, to give you the advice one gives their not yet grown child. When I look back at our relationship, I can see where I was pressed into the mold that would shape me to be this way. Being pliable in all ways, my nature was never to resist. Why should I have, I was supposed to trust you right? So what “is” my role? I look in the mirror and in my eyes I see a time capsule that is sealed tight. Then I am stricken with the taunting that calls from behind the capsule door. You know, I can not tell you how many times I have had to resist opening that door to the past. Sometimes I want to take it off the hinges and beat you with it. Then sanity takes control and I close my eyes so that the reflection of “The Nightmare on Chelle’s Street” vanishes. I know what my role is not. It is not to rescue you even though I am shaped to do it. You always made it difficult for me to be me. I grew up believing that you had the power to literally destroy me, and in some ways you did ruin parts of who I am. But I picked-up those shattered pieces and wrapped them up and tucked them away from the world. When the time was right I began piecing myself back together. Now I am in the middle of my life and I want to make my own story and you drag me back to the gateway to that certain kind of hell that is your story. I am so tired of being led here. I am dreadfully tired and wanting to just build an iron wall over the past and just leave it there. Me, the real me, would love to shoot straight with you. Yet I can not, and I will tell you why. I love you too much to hurt you the way you have hurt me. Oh I have thought about unleashing unholy hellfire, and I could. But I never would because then I would have to look at the reflection of you in my eyes. A vow I made long ago was to never be like you. In most ways I am not. Your words broke me, mother. In some sick twisted way you thought to control me with threats of abandonment, and cruel disengagement. I was molded to be a rescuer because I would have to eventually rescue myself. Now I just have to begin chipping away at the parts of me that I no longer find necessary. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, Forgiveness is taking the consequences of another’s misdeeds and covering them with grace. I need to give you my grace Mom…..so that I can be whole….. Michelle 
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8/24/2008 2:26 pm |
amen sis ...... so much to say but,... god bless you sis. peace love happiness hugsssssssssss  dan
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8/24/2008 3:40 pm |
Oh my goodness....such a powerful piece. "Your words broke me, mother." Oh Michelle, my heart goes out to you. I find it so sad that many of us cannot have the relationship we would love to have with our parents--one of honesty and love. I did a search into my parents' past so I could find out why they were the parents they were. Their stories are sad--abandonment, unrealistic expectations from their parents....silence used as a weapon etc. It helped me develop compassion for my parents' own issues and to separate from them. I will never have the relationship I want--but I will continue to do what is right and kind for them. big hug.......((((((((((((((((((((Michelle)))))))))))))))))))))) p.s. love the photo--you look fabulous. Wishing you happiness Misty
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8/24/2008 7:19 pm |
Hi,I feel for you...like other mother-daughter relationship...I envy those who has a good relationship with their mother.....but through the years I was able to understand my mom...despite the fact that I never felt anything so special like any others with their mom.But in time, I know you will realized her worth....I'll pray for that... good day!!! **nikky*
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8/24/2008 7:46 pm |
You are a strong, strong person, Chelle. You have such a pure spirit that can see through all the dross in life, and I love you for it. I think another thing we have in common is that we both, as my mother always encouraged us kids, chose to rise above and move on. Hugs tight. You're wonderful. Never ever forget that. I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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8/24/2008 8:02 pm |
It is sad to learn you have been through a lot like this Chelle. Experiences like these ones are meant to make you stronger. You are looking at it positively and that is what counts; invincibility
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8/24/2008 8:15 pm |
I am so sorry to hear of your past. But you must realize you are a really strong person and you have achieved so much more without her. Its a shame you can't have a relationship with your mother but you have done what is best for yourself to survive. Keep smiling Chelle Many Many  going your way!! B
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8/28/2008 1:54 am |
I don't know what to really say,and my eyes are blurred with tears as I let them fall freely..So I'll just send my love and wish you lots of strength to carry on..   It is the truth in man that sets him free.. 
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9/1/2008 6:23 pm |
I was molded to be a rescuer because I would have to eventually rescue myself Wow, We can be victims of the lives we have been handed, or we can rise above, like you do Chelle. I wish you peace. Sensy between the stars, beyond the planet mars, there Sens will be
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