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Blogs > Artizan2 > crazyhorse

Artizan2 58F
1398 posts
9/28/2007 8:56 pm

Last Read:
10/1/2007 11:44 pm
I am the Ice Queen

It has come to my attention that I absolutely terrified my on one or more occaissions Of course she doesn't want to talk about them and keeps repeating its in the past its in the past

I can barely lift my head in shame and torment at what I allowed to happen while my stood in fear not knowing to trust me as I myself shook in fear at my own predicaments.

Is it okay to blame my mental illness for my mistakes for my lack of judgement my self centered behaviour or should I just say that I did it all in the name of love and family however I didn't know how to pick men and didn't know how to say no.

You could also look at my struggle not to be abusive towards my eldest even though sometimes i was the same way blame it on my lack of judgement except that I knew I knew and still I could not stop my actions

I went to counselling once a week for many many a year and everytime I couldn't control my actions I begged forgiveness and to help me they medicated me because they knew I love my and was doing everything possible to give them a decent childhood with as few bad memories as possible but not being perfect I failed and when I failed it was usually very dramatic.

I am slowly recovering from my injuries over the last 5 years and the sudden weight gain and lack of exercise. I don't feel like leaving the house
I carry my blanket from bed to couch couch to bed I make myself eat and I force myself to take my pills and then I sit and have coffee and my cigs for a couple of hours before I even feel the natural of nature urging me to my feet.

I am not miserable or crying or thinking bad thoughts just enjoying that I can sit with my quilt in front of the tv with my coffee and cigs but I know I should be feeling the desire to more an d I don't at least not until noon or so then I do something because of the weirdness my mind plays when I try to sleep. Sometimes the images are so real or the presents of another person is so tangible I swear that person is their but their not and I know this and come back to reality.

Such was my experience today so i cleaned the kitchen to shake off that eerie feeling of being hit with one finger in the back of my neck it was so really I looked around and of course I saw no one.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

But i don't think I should be volunteering just yet. Do You?

Artizan2 58F

10/1/2007 11:44 pm

 Funny you should say that because been as I am feeling better beleive it or not I was thinking that I was relying far to much in the comfort of feeling safe inside and really I should get rid of the blanket and I actually thought about it and wala the blanket is gone well i realize how insecure I am I know its absolutely rediculous but then you don't know me very well do you?




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