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Breaking Up Everyone who has known me on ff knows how hard I have tried to break up with my boyfriend but the truth is no matter how right it might be it is the hardest thing for me to do. Everytime I have said I was broken up I went running back in fear and lonliness afraid of my own shadow. Well as I lay awake this morning I thought of calling him and breaking up but then I expereinced a panick attack and man they do not feel good. So I am sticking to my instincts and as much as your vibrant support is appreciated and needed I am listening to me and how I want to handle my life. The Man I want to leave has lived here all his life so it matters how I handle things because he knows everyone practically and his family is here I am just this crazy woman from Victoria who paints when she can afford to and flips out when under stress and who has somehow despite all the bs in her life has raised two of the most wonderful people in the universe. And yes it is my fault all of it is. I am a hopeless romantic and I keep getting mixed up when I don't really want to with the first guy that seems to show me respect. I say seems because I am not really sure if it is just my wishful thinking. And when I realize my mistake its too late and I have to go through the agonizing process of undoing everything I thought I wanted. For me it is very painful to detach from the person and the dreams I had with them in it. Bottom line this time though is that this man does not want to take on the responsiblity of a family and I must get that through my thick skull and until I do I am not breaking up with him. Because it just scares me so much to think of being on my own again When I feel lonely it runs very deep almost unbearably painful. Im just not ready for that expereince yet. |
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1/27/2007 6:49 am |
u deserve way better than that
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1/27/2007 7:42 am |
I think you seriously need to seek counceling or treatment of some kind. You are so down on yourself and staying in these types of situations is only going to make it worse. From what you have said about panic attacks etc...........its time to worry about you and not this relationship that ultimatly in the end is going no where. *Smiles*  Live, Love, Laugh......*Smiles*
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1/27/2007 9:12 am |
Thanks for all of your support truly it is appreciated but there are things that I have to deal with on my own and there is no counselling for that its nice to have been able to hear what everyone has said and to know that I have some support I will be thinking of all of you while I get ready to be on my own one day. Just not ready yet.
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1/27/2007 3:01 pm |
BlueBreeze you are insightful. Just a few minutes ago before I signed on I was enjoying the absence of my man very much indeed and I thought to myself why wait? Problem is I am not sure I can cope with out him yet I am very fond of the man and he does his best to give what he thinks I want or like he is a kind man in general just lives only according to his schedual which I have adapted myself to over the last three years but really it doesn't fit with me at all. I have to get to the point where I am beleiving in myself again that is the big hurdle. Maybe letting him go would be best but then the fear of loneliness creeps up and I feel less sure of myself. Give me time and I am sure I will do what is right for me. Thanks for caring and sharing your thought they are much appreciated. Michelle
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1/27/2007 5:56 pm |
Cindy! So good to see you and thanks for taking at my word! It is true I feel like I am getting closer to the day but I have made mistakes in the past and I choose not to make another one so hastily so I am still trying to make it work just one last time. Just to be sure sure because I would be giving up a future that I could never afford in a million years. Then on the other hand I am giving up a future that might be worth that much! LOL
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