 | Blogs > Ari_fairy > Ari-Wood > Giving up Perfection |
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Perhaps if my life had settled into an ordinary routine....I would have learned then that I didn't have to be perfect...that perfection isn't attainable....that I could be...just me. But...my life was anything but routine and in the roller coaster swirl of "get out...I don't want to be married to you..." and "I need you"....I continued to try to do anything I could do to just get by. Getting by meant not getting hurt. It meant...being perfect..and as time passed...I learned that imperfection carried a very heavy price. When you know that you are going to be punished for what you've done...right, wrong, or indifferent...you learn to be afraid of every little mistake. Hurtful words are often more distructive than hurtful hands....and easier to internalize. "You can't do anything right." "Why are you so stupid?" "No one could ever love you." "You are so boring." And on and on and on...until you believe you are every word you are told...over and over again. Is it a form of brainwashing? Probably. Is it intentionally done? To a certain extent...it breaks you down and gives them control...and the more you believe them....the more they control you. Perfection....had to be the answer. I had to be perfect. If I dropped a glass...I would chew myself out before he ever got home. "How could you be so stupid?" "You retard." "You know you're going to get in trouble for that." "Why are you always so clumsy?" It became easier to become my own worst critic than to allow his words to destroy me. I'm often told no one can punish me more than I punish myself....and that's true. It was a carefully orchestrated mechanism to protect me from everything that had the power to break me even more than I was already....and still...in many ways...it failed. But it did cushion the impact. Today....my life is changed and I don't have people actively in my life who are so destructive. I don't have to tell myself how stupid I am...but it's become such a habit...that even now...I'll make a mistake on a spreadsheet...find it...and observe..."How could you be so stupid?" I don't mean to do it. I don't even think about it....it's just a part of the person I've become. In lots of ways...it's terribly self-destructive. Not that I haven't always had a fair measure of self-destructive tendencies....it's often seemed easier to blow myself up..than to allow others to do it for me. Still...I'm not entirely sure how to let it go and stop doing it...particularly since I'm often not even aware that I'm doing it. Someone asked me last night...if I got some kind of pleasure from beating myself up. I don't get any pleasure from it. But I've learned that only perfection makes us....even a little bit lovable...and any imperfection....no matter how small...will be magnified and our noses will be rubbed in it until we want to vomit out any words that can mitigate the damage. I know that I'm not perfect...and I know that it's ok that I'm not perfect...but somewhere deep in my heart...it's not ok...it's not acceptable...and I'm still not...acceptable. Letting go of behaviors that once may have served a purpose...but no longer do...is not as simple as closing our eyes and saying...I won't do that any more. It's much more complicated to let go of those patterns and step outside of the box we've stood in so long. I'm focusing on stepping outside a lot of boxes these days. I wish I could tell you how very different I am today...from the woman who left Colorado nearly six years ago....and even more from the woman who finally found the courage to ask for a divorce....and even more from the woman who stayed married for a very long time....because she was afraid that every word she was ever told was true.... Change happens...one tiny step at a time...one tiny breath at a time. In the end....all I can do is to take each day on the best way I know how....to continue to do the best I can do...and to hope that...when I begin to beat myself up....I can see that pattern....and disrupt it before it goes too far. And even then...I suppose it's all pretty much a crap shoot. Can we...rework patterns...that no longer serve our purposes? Or are we always tied into those patterns which we have built...into a part of us? Truthfully....I wrote this tonight looking for answers in myself...and I'm not sure I actually found them. Perhaps what I really needed to do...is to ask you....what have you changed about yourself....how did you do it...and was it successful for you? Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari 
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7/13/2008 2:24 am |
I looked high and low for perfection, but with every turn I missed it. My mother and father were both to the T. "If you do a job do it correctly" Stand up straight! "You have to strive to be the best." Like you, Ari, I had demands thrust upon me, until those demand became mine; my own anchor. Then it dawned on me one day, I had to except me or who I'm. No one else has to live in my skin. I'm perfectly imperfect, but I'm happy with that. I will drop a "T" and drop a "I" if I don't want to. I will go out of my way and drop a "ing" from a word. Why? Our society wants perfection in a non - perfect society. And those who aren't perfect are, the dominating majority. Your human, Sis, get over it. You'll never be Wonder Woman. (even tho you have her height) Forgive yourself for that broken glass, life's too short to worry about bits of shard glass. Love you .. tonight was fun  Thanks *HUGS*. ...to much drama and I am quickly gone
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7/13/2008 2:29 am |
Ah yes.....those words that we internalize....funny how I can internalize '"you're stupid" but not "you're beautiful". Riny and I have agreed that perfection isn't necessary and to quote Oscar Wilde: it doesn't leave any room for developments and I intend to develop in many different directions. Wishing you happiness Misty
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7/13/2008 7:55 am |
Ari, I don't understand why you say that you are not perfect. You Are perfect. Making errors is perfection, because you caught them. It doesn't matter when you caught them. You are perfect. Feel perfect, feel it. You are perfect Ari.
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 7/13/2008 1:07 pm |
Hi Ari, When we get hurt, it takes sometimes a lifetime to get over that pain, to put it back together...but not to a perfect level, just to the one you can live as a human being...in short, RELAX! That is what I have been trying to do for over the years, man, the perfection issue was driving me "crazy" (not literally). Took steps to come out of the shell and learned to face the issues, let go and relax. Also, you know if you ever feel down and start thinking like you are failiing, talk to or write to the people who can listen and support you, sweetie.
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