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Today is a celebration of freedom. Although it is a remembrance of all that has gone before to bring freedom to us as a nation, it should also serve as a memory of all we have done to find our personal freedom. This year is particularly poignant for me as I briefly revisit the path I have taken to reach this place. Truly, the concept of freedom is as much a responsibility as a privilege and I am only just beginning to explore all the ramifications of that idea. We each have patterns in our lives; those things we do over and over again which set the scene for what will be. I know that in the past several weeks I have kept many doors closed as I slowly begin to analyze the patterns in my life. Missy Anal rides again and it is in many ways an essential journey. Life is good...and I am fine. I am where I need to be in order to find the passage through to the next phase of my path. Too often, I fill the voids in my world with activities which keep me from thinking of what comes next. Now I must find silence within me and focus on that which needs to be. Kelly....you say I do not allow myself to find silence. This is truth...but it is a choice I have made so that I do not have to hear the recriminations for my own actions. As always...there is no one harder on me....than me. The reason I so often choose not to find those silences is that...along the path to reach them...I often hear two voices...one which tells me all that I have done which is unhealthy, unwise, unjustified, unacceptable...and the second which continually questions why I have chosen the steps I have taken. I find it difficult, at times, to sort through the messages I give myself to find the kernels of truth I need to find. Beyond those voices...lies the truth...the silence....and I think sometimes that I am afraid to see that truth...a failing of my self-esteem, I'm sure. If you remember the discussion we had, more than a year ago....about the deepest fear...that everything about me was a lie I made up to convince myself I was...acceptable....perhaps you will understand why it is that I do not allow myself to go there often. We are each...our own worst enemy as much as our own best friend. We have talked often recently, about the ways in which we all lean upon one another, the ways we are meant to do so in order to support and guide one another as we each journey. It comes as no surprise to anyone that I find it uncomfortable to lean. Emotionally, the strength given has been invaluable and led me to find the courage to take the steps I have taken, but it is also a calculated risk....to trust that the person I choose to lean on will be there as I give over a measure of my self-sufficiency and rely upon another. Yes, trust and the ability to trust is the truest measure of friendship and I wonder if, in that same vein, the ability to trust ourselves is the truest measure of our ability to love ourselves. I think that I will take a break from life for a time. It has changed for me...so many times in the past few months, and I have not taken any opportunity to understand how I have/must change with it. Too often I still follow the same patterns and create....nuances of pain to celebrate my dreams in. A difficult concept, but I am as expert at dancing around saying what I am most afraid of the response to.....as I am at creating tests in my life....both for myself and for those around me. Tests which will allow me to receive what I expect to receive and give me an excuse to step away out of the same fear that held me in place for so long. For the immediate future, I may use this space to work through pieces of my world or I may say nothing at all. I am torn between the need to write out what travels through my mind...and the need to protect my own and other people's privacy. In the end, the need to write the thoughts out has won and I will take the opportunity to explore my own confusion until I have found the place I am meant to be at. In the interim, I leave you all with this. My heart is a gift I choose to give. Each of you holds a corner of it soundly in your own and I hope you always know how much it means to me that I have met you, come to know you...and learned to love you for the beauty of your soul. Regardless of what life brings to us as days pass into years, I hope that life gives you the greatest gifts...with only enough trials to increase the value of the prize. You are....the most beautiful and giving people it could ever be my pleasure to know...and I am honored with the friendship each of you has gifted. For the one person I have gifted with the truest measure of my heart, I wish you always joy and pleasure in the world around you. Life is not always a trial, but it is filled with tiny moments of peace and joy which illuminate the lessons learned. We cannot hope to find that all is eternally bright, but we can use the instants of brightness to light those moments when darkness wraps us in confusion. I may not be available for a time. Kelly has spent much time convincing me that I should leave this blog open, and that my deepest need to write my dreams upon a page should be honored. I suppose I must agree with her for the simple reason that I have re-opened the space. I passed the last night in confusion, attempting to work through my own feelings about a situation that puzzles me in many ways. As the hours slowly progressed into daylight, I drifted into a restless sleep, still working through my own emotions. Someone told me recently that I take things too seriously. I do. I accept that. I am, in many ways, afraid not to do so for I fear that inattention to the fine print will leave me vulnerable in ways I do not dare to be vulnerable. This too is a piece I need to evaluate. Can we change who we are at our deepest core....or can we explore that core and find that who we are is the result of years of caution and careful programming...and is not truly us...but one who has been temporarily created in order to find a measure of peace and safety? And if it is not truly us....can we find the path back to the person we were meant to be? Another question with no answer....as of yet. Another test to put before myself. And I wonder...if I can succeeed in releasing that self-protective need. In time I hope to reach the place where moonlight brightens my path once again and I can find my way without...whatever it is I have allowed to be within me; when I no longer feel any need to lean on others; when I can give without fearing reactions; when I can trust my own heart. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari 
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7/4/2008 11:12 am |
Sis. Above all Life demands living anything less cheats us all. I love you, and will speak with you in the real world. . ...to much drama and I am quickly gone
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7/4/2008 7:47 pm |
stink--first off let me say i am glad you have chosen to share what you share within ff--you know full well what i mean missy--so come here stinky i have a stinked up hug just for you --second we chat about many many things and yes some outweight others and yet you know stink--this is all i have to say about this one so do me a favor and get a tape thing or copy this and staple it to your fairy little head--you missy have come along way since the day i came to the amazon woman cuz someone gave me the creeps-did either of us truly know what would result from that --no and yet i thank the higher power each and every day for nothing other than the stink you are--and you missy have grown a wee lotta bit into just who and what you are about--currently a bit of backsliding is going on--which holy crows is understandable and yet i have faith in you just as you have faith in you that stink will do as stink sees best--and you know what that is--simple just keep on being stink--growing--learning--sharing--caring and writing endless stories for the world to share within--personal messages indeed for one and all can be found within the writings of the stinky fairy--that is a wonder all its own--oh my got my second wind--ha ha it is always unique when we chat--that it is--and you know what stink--i for one love to come within ff and find just what stink has to share--may not comment a great deal this you know and know why--cuz i am me--the old bat--ha ha love ya this you know-- feel the hugs cuz they are always there me peace love and laughter kel
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