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 | Blogs > Ari_fairy > Ari-Wood > The Nut Case |
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Two unexpected gifts. I know I've written about one before....several years ago I had an unusual experience. As a child, I had received an injury that should have killed me. Like all people who receive injuries of this caliber, I had always wondered why I lived through the accident. Why had I been allowed to live....when most people would have died? What was it I was living for? One night....I had crawled into a hot bath and allowed the heat of the water...and the scent of the lavender to relax me totally. As I sat there absently focusing on nothing....I suddenly knew....what my purpose was; not in brilliant clarity with every detail outlined....but the job I was supposed to complete before my time ended. The job really doesn't matter here and now...I will know when I have done it. The experience was....fascinating, elating, confusing, frightening...and I called Kelly...just to ask her if I was losing my sanity. A long discussion later...I knew I was not...but I really wasn't a lot closer to where I needed to be. Time has given me further information...but still....I do not know every detail of what I am to do. I think it is meant to be that way. We must make choices in life. If we knew what our purpose was...fully...we would either do it or not do it...but we would learn nothing from it. By making the choices we make everyday...we either move closer to completing that task...or further away. We cannot be forced to complete it...only guided...and allowed to choose for ourselves. I have chosen to take the steps I believe I am meant to take to complete this task...which certainly doesn't mean I will always make the right choices....or that I will ever achieve my goal. Have you decided I am nuts yet? The past few weeks have been...stressful...and stressfree....wonderful and filled with laughter....and hauntingly sad and strangely frightening. It's a mixed bag as life often is. There are stresses related with tackling life on your own...although those stressors are substantially less than the ones I faced living with my ex. There is a certain amount of loneliness...but it is not nearly as bad as I feared it would be. I am happier....more satisfied...and each day...I build a little more self confidence and self-esteem...two things I have sorely lacked. I have a number of strange insecurities. I have felt...as if I were worthless...for most of my life....unacceptable...unpresentable...unlovable. It's very difficult to step back from those beliefs I internalized...and learn to believe in myself. I've had a lot of help. Kelly and Flo call regularly to make sure I am ok...to make sure I am not lonely....to make sure I haven't stupidly jumped off the roof of the house (ok, I made that up). They aren't the only people who call regularly...but they certainly keep the phone lines hopping. Still....at the end of the day...when I crawl into bed...I wish....very hard...that I could hear his voice just one more time as I drift into sleep...that I could feel him closer....that the distance...did not exist. I can't change that. It is what it is until the time is right for it not to be as it is. Convoluted; I know. Last night I curled up in bed and the dog crawled up on my chest and lay there breathing his stinky puppy breath in my face. Ok, I wanted to die. I did...have you ever smelled puppy breath? Ick. Truly...I simply lay there thinking through the day, planning out the next day...relaxing myself into sleep. At some point...I rolled to the side and curled up under the comforter. I felt a hand on my hip....wrap around my waist and pull me up close against....someone....no one...it just was. I felt my body relax totally and let go...and I drifted into sleep...comforted, loved, safe. I haven't consciously felt unsafe...but it was an element of what I felt last night. Throughout the night...as I woke and slept....I simply felt....held....and necessary...and protected. And strangely....I realized that I've never felt that way before. Tonight...as I spoke to Kelly, I got tired of sitting at my desk and went back to curl up under the comforter. I simply lay there and listened to the story Kelly told....and I felt that same hand...pull me close to them...and hold me. It is an amazingly unerving feeling to realize that...even though you thought you were relaxed before...you were not. Now...now...you are relaxed; every muscle in your body has just...let go...and softened. It feels....warm...loved...as if someone had just rolled over in the bed and gathered me close. Is there someone in my bed? No....and I don't need there to be. Is my house haunted? No...and never has been. Truly....all that I can say is that somewhere...someone...has wrapped me close in their thoughts....and offered love...without asking anything in return. And my heart cries out with the beauty of it. To the universe....to those who care...to everyone...thank you...and I love you, too. Signed.... The Nut Case Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari 
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5/21/2008 12:05 am |
f I Could Be Beside You - MichaelAngel If I could be beside you now And caress the softness of your brow And run my fingers through your hair And kiss your skin so soft and fair If I could be beside you dear And give my love without fear And whisper passion rising through And hold you close each day it's new I would touch you deep inside And join with you on love's ride Tumbling through passion's grace And watch the pleasure on your face My tongue would dance and taste your honey Your hips would glide up unto me Your hands would hold me there so firm Wetter, sweeter taste fire's burn My hands would glide up to your breasts Between my fingers your nipples rest Gently pulling, rolling tender Moans delight in sweet surrender Love's sweet smell now fills the air As you pull me up to enter fair You meet me, greet me, pull me deeper Now we are one, we've fallen steeper If I could be beside you now.....
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5/21/2008 12:06 am |
Reasons - MichaelAngel You give me reason to see joy in the morning And dance on wings of delight at your sight You give me reason to ponder love's fragrance And soar in the clouds with you in my arms. I see and touch your heart so pure I feel your breath so warm sincere Blowing toward me with butterfly kisses Comforting soothing bringing peace inside. My darling, my love you've captured me so Your love call wooing never letting go Upon my cheek your lips do impart Even from afar I can feel your touch. Wanting and giving completeness living Falling still deeper your happiness committed Yearning and longing to hold you so close Always, forever heart fluttering serene. Laughing and smiling night whispers together Our lives entwined as vineyard grapes sweet Knotted and braided, entangled and growing Forever entitled to love's overflowing.
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5/21/2008 4:50 pm |
Ari, If anyone could hear our phone conversations, their ears would probably fall off. I can't believe how much territory we cover each time, and, there is so much laughter mixed in with more serious issues. We are great at making fun of and laughing at ourselves, and each other. I find it so easy to talk with you because you are so honest with your feelings, and we can always agree to disagree on some things. But, most of all, you WILL NEVER let me forget something I blurted out without thinking. Our conversations help me a lot also, as I am always learning new things from you, and I cherish our friendship. I see so much good, caring and kindness in you. I feel as if you are one of my sisters, that you would always be there for me just as they are, and I would do the same for you as I do with them. And, you are a Nut case for sure...I probably wouldn't get along so well with your if you weren't.   Hugs and Love Flo 
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5/23/2008 8:20 pm |
Ari- you'r not the nut case F.F. is I cannot log on normaly so i'm in " Stealth mode" just wanted to stop by & let you knoiw whats going on if You don't see me- Jim
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5/25/2008 8:48 am |
f I Could Be Beside You - MichaelAngel If I could be beside you now And caress the softness of your brow And run my fingers through your hair And kiss your skin so soft and fair If I could be beside you dear And give my love without fear And whisper passion rising through And hold you close each day it's new I would touch you deep inside And join with you on love's ride Tumbling through passion's grace And watch the pleasure on your face My tongue would dance and taste your honey Your hips would glide up unto me Your hands would hold me there so firm Wetter, sweeter taste fire's burn My hands would glide up to your breasts Between my fingers your nipples rest Gently pulling, rolling tender Moans delight in sweet surrender Love's sweet smell now fills the air As you pull me up to enter fair You meet me, greet me, pull me deeper Now we are one, we've fallen steeper If I could be beside you now..... Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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5/25/2008 8:48 am |
Reasons - MichaelAngel You give me reason to see joy in the morning And dance on wings of delight at your sight You give me reason to ponder love's fragrance And soar in the clouds with you in my arms. I see and touch your heart so pure I feel your breath so warm sincere Blowing toward me with butterfly kisses Comforting soothing bringing peace inside. My darling, my love you've captured me so Your love call wooing never letting go Upon my cheek your lips do impart Even from afar I can feel your touch. Wanting and giving completeness living Falling still deeper your happiness committed Yearning and longing to hold you so close Always, forever heart fluttering serene. Laughing and smiling night whispers together Our lives entwined as vineyard grapes sweet Knotted and braided, entangled and growing Forever entitled to love's overflowing. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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5/25/2008 8:50 am |
Ari, If anyone could hear our phone conversations, their ears would probably fall off. I can't believe how much territory we cover each time, and, there is so much laughter mixed in with more serious issues. We are great at making fun of and laughing at ourselves, and each other. I find it so easy to talk with you because you are so honest with your feelings, and we can always agree to disagree on some things. But, most of all, you WILL NEVER let me forget something I blurted out without thinking. Our conversations help me a lot also, as I am always learning new things from you, and I cherish our friendship. I see so much good, caring and kindness in you. I feel as if you are one of my sisters, that you would always be there for me just as they are, and I would do the same for you as I do with them. And, you are a Nut case for sure...I probably wouldn't get along so well with your if you weren't. Hugs and Love Flo And no...I will never let you forget that comment.....I'm rather...stupid that way...lol.... Friendship is a great gift, Flo....and I'm so honored you gave yours. Ari Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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5/25/2008 8:51 am |
Ari- you'r not the nut case F.F. is I cannot log on normaly so i'm in " Stealth mode" just wanted to stop by & let you knoiw whats going on if You don't see me- Jim Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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