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 | Blogs > Ari_fairy > Ari-Wood > Grow Up |
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It's been kind of a rough day here today. It got hotter than I like pretty early. I like upper 60s...thanks. I ran out of energy early on and had to literally force myself to finish cleaning up the front porch. Then I got a good look at the garage...and wanted to cry. So I closed the garage door and went inside to curl up in my refrigerated living room. A swamp cooler...otherwise known as an evaporative cooler...runs water through straw pads and then draws cool air from them to cool your house. They work beautifully in an area like ours...high desert where the humidity is extremely low. On days when we have high humidity....don't bother...they won't cool a thing. I didn't feel very good...so I curled up in my chair and tried to read a book our doctor dude said was good. I think I loathe his taste in books...I can't get past this one scene...and the whole book bores me to tears....so eventually I fell asleep. I think I must have needed it. I've had a lot on my mind the past week or so...and I've been trying to work through them slowly. Let go of what doesn't matter...let go of your insecurity....let go of your fears. That's a whole lot easier said than done. I can manage it for brief periods...but when they come back...it's a battle. For the most part...I tend to win the battle and let everything go. Even if it matters to me...I know that I can blow things out of proportion because I am feeling...inadequate...insecure...afraid. So...let it go and see what happens. You are bringing your own headaches down on yourself. This weekend....I think I failed pretty miserably at letting go. I woke up from my nap crying...probably a mix of not feeling well...and the things that were on my mind. I'm feeling a little...stupid...and vulnerable right now...both feelings I loathe. Instead of eating something healthy...I let my unhappiness choose for me...hmmm...a beer sounds good...cold....relaxing...wonderful for your blood sugars. It was ok....and then Kelly called. She didn't light into my butt right away...she let me get the next beer out and start drinking it before she took off on my eating habits. I see there are no secrets in the blogs...actually...she'd have asked...I'd have answered. Why are you drinking tonight? Cause I'm depressed. (I'm not depressed...I'm really feeling sorry for myself, I think.) Not good enough. Why are you screwing with your blood sugars? Cause I'm depressed and angry. Ari...you can add all the words you want...it's not going to get you anywhere. I'm depressed and angry and confused. Not a good enough answer. Have a beer, Kelly. So we discussed everything that's been on my mind....and she reminded me that the ex is Sludge and I knew he would be a jerk...that I am not the center of the universe and sometimes a wall is a temporary barrier until a window can be built...and that I am being stupid. Well ok then. She's right. There are choices I get to make now. I get to make them. I get to take responsibility for them. I have no issue with that. I get to decide when they are good decisions...or bad decisions. Another truth. It isn't that I don't have the best of intentions...but there is definitely something heady about getting to make those decisions...without having to step back and wonder if I'm going to get yelled at, made fun of...or hit...for the choices I make. There's something even more heady about learning that I AM competent to do some of the stuff around the house. Heady....you let it go to your head...and you get cocky. Cocky = stupid. So...I need to set some alarms to remind me when it's time to eat...and I seriously need to improve eating breakfast. I need to drink up the alcohol in the house and get rid of it...oh...ok...I just need to step back and remember that a glass of water will not make my system go nuts the same way alcohol will.... And I need to slow down just a little...cause overdoing it....is just as bad for me as my irregular eating/drinking habits.... Sometimes...a best friend is a person who can look you in the eyes and say....Grow up....take your head out...get a breath....and grow up. I'm so lucky I have friends like that. And Certs...let go....Kelly's not allowed to kick my butt any more....it's bruised all over the place right now. I love you guys....and thanks... Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari 
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5/19/2008 12:30 am |
Take care of yourself, Ari. No one else can at the end of the day. It's good to have friends remind you but self-realisation is a beaut, eh? No alkie now.  In the immortal words from 6th Sense ... I see stupid people.
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5/19/2008 1:54 am |
Look after yourself. Can you get Alcohol free beer like you can wine
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5/19/2008 2:07 am |
Sounds like there is an echo in here Going through a process takes time and patience. In the end you will be, in some ways, different, and still in others the same. How much of each percentage is going to be the interesting part  In my case I have always been, at my core, kindhearted and caring and that I think hasn't changed much, but that tough guy part has. I am not firring on all cylinders like before either. My ambition and zeal are not the same anymore. Sometimes my emotions are hard to control now whereas, before I was very capable of keeping them hidden and subdued. You will be ok I think  In time, sweet time. You must take better care of yourself now, so you can meet the finished YOU  Standplatz und liefert
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 5/19/2008 2:29 am |
have a good week thanks for reading and as per Dave Allen "May your God go with you"
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5/19/2008 4:59 am |
Ari, come over for spring shoppings, they have discounts and most of it..very funny things... Beside i will love listing to you
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5/19/2008 5:51 am |
Ari, you pretty much already know what to do. I'm glad you have such good friends, that is what they are for. My greatest regards to Kelly
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5/19/2008 12:53 pm |
Sometimes I find it very hard to do the right thing, even when I know what it is....especially when it comes to eating. Take care of you Ari..your worth it. Hugs Mary
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