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 | Blogs > Ari_fairy > Ari-Wood > Your Soul To Keep |
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It would be lovely if I could say it ended with that. It would make me feel better had he written castigating me for my words; angry over my questions. But…it didn’t…and neither did he. Instead, I received an answer. “Good Morning my love, I could never be mad at you, for my love for you runs too deep.” But…beyond that, I received the same responses I’d gotten before…meaningless. He felt that there was no reason to be sorry for the comments he wrote to other women. If they took the comments wrong, he was sorry; but he wrote them with “kindness”. I think I really knew then…but didn’t quite admit to it. I wrote back explaining that it is my belief that if we lead a person to a place where they can be hurt…we are responsible for what occurs…on a spiritual level this is exactly what I believe. I was….totally unprepared for the response I received. I was totally unaware of what was happening in the background. I received one more really beautiful e-mail from him…speaking of his love for me…and mine for him…immediately before he wrote a post that made it clear that no one on the blogs should consider him anything more than a friend. I didn’t see the post until I received a second e-mail from him some time later lashing at me for not believing in him. Asking questions does not indicate a lack of belief…it is how we get past a place where we begin to wonder if there is something wrong…or if we are imputing our pasts onto a present relationship. His words were meant to hurt and wound…and they did it well. I wrote a very brief response apologizing for my words being hurtful…and wishing him well in his future journey along his path. It is my belief that we do not have a right…or a reason…to destroy one another when we choose to walk away from a place that is…not right for us. And then I saw his post…and I saw the distress he had caused to other people. I wrote one last brief note asking him to reconsider his choice. I want to share his response because it devastated me. I have spent two days worrying…and crying…disturbed over this email. “Ari my love, Perhaps you’ve misunderstood our connection. You see, you, and only you, were the object of my desire. I talked with everyone, yet was never intimate with anyone else once I started writing to you. Ari, you hurt me so so much. And I didn’t deserve it. Can’t you see that now, that I didn’t mean to do anything wrong or hurtful. But I see that people are people and they can hear only what they want to hear. No one…has my e-mail address (and that address will be deleted after I send this message) because I’ve only talked with you on an individual basis. I am better off alone at this point. It is not your fault, you are a good and kind person, full of love, and affection. It is just my time to go that’s all. It is my choice to not be. No one will ever hear from me from this day forward, that is the honest truth, for I do not lie, or play. …. In accuracy is truth, therefore I hold myself accountable to everything I do. Perhaps this trail has taught me the hard lesson of being too friendly with strangers. Maybe I was best off not ever sharing, therapy is over rated, kindness gets trampled and I’ve worn out my welcome. Time to go. I’m so sorry for anything that you feel accountable for, please know that I died without pain, and within me I’ve known the secret of everyone who ever believed in salvation. For I saw too much pain, too many days, and rest was so far from my reach. All my love, your soul to keep” These words are meant to wound…and they do. The idea of leaving someone worried that you will do something…irretrievable…is shattering. I have spent two days worrying about the outcome of this. In my heart, I don’t believe he has any intention of harming himself. He chose the words he used well. “I’m sorry for anything that you feel accountable for, please know that I died without pain…” Those words are intended to make me feel responsible for his choices…for what I am intended to believe he chose. And now…all the words are quite clear. Was it a game? I can’t say that. Did he choose his path? He did…at all times. Should I have seen this coming? Probably not this exact ending…but I should have responded to my doubts much earlier. Not all people mean us well. While they may not intend to harm, their primary need and intent is to provide themselves with what they hunger for most…at any cost. By ensuring that I stayed…”enchanted”…he ensured that he had someone willing to feed that need. By writing as he did to others, he gave himself the opportunity to replenish from the endless well that FF offers once this one ran dry. Did it matter to him if he hurt me? I don’t know. What I do know is that it didn’t matter to him if he risked others….if he could say he did it with “kindness”. The clues were all there. I chose to ignore them. I cannot blame him or anyone else for what I feel right now. I made the choices, the consequences are mine. When the signs point to a specific direction….pay attention…observe them…ask questions…and don’t go away uncertain. If you remain uncertain….something is wrong. Even if it means being pushy and risking that they will take it badly…ask the questions until you have an answer. If they don’t want to tell you…there is a reason for it. Believe in your intuition…listen to your heart. It knows what your desires don’t want to hear. When your heart, your spirit, and you desires are in accord….you will know that it is right. I wish you all…the stillness within which to listen to your heart, faith in your own instincts, and the wisdom to walk away….even when you desperately want to stay. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari 
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11/18/2007 6:23 pm |
(((((Ari))))) I wonder on the "I died without pain" part. I heard something similar at one time from the first person I let into my life right after I separated - who is very very briefly noted in my blog post labeled Online Mistake #1. He too, at one point, told me he would be dead. What I later found out is that he was dead. That is, the person he made me believe he was, was dead. He had lied about his name, and in effort to leave me, he "killed" that person he had been the entire time we'd been corresponding. There is so much familiarity when I read the things this man wrote to you, compared to what I heard three years ago. Even the part about deleting the e-mail address because it's only been used for you. I'm not implying this is the same person, I'm very certain it isn't, but I think it's the same type of person. Someone who has a need to be overwhelmed, have the passion and fire, but if it becomes too real, then on to the next person or place to get that fix. I'm sorry this happened to you. I know these emotions way too well and I wish you peace of heart and mind now.
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11/18/2007 6:30 pm |
What a grandios running away.
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11/18/2007 6:36 pm |
Ari Im so sorry u've been hurt this way. If u need to talk....well u know what I'm gonna say. By the way I left u a mail. Lol ur probably busy, but it's something that I'd like a response to, sorry if I just sounded demanding, I don't mean to, but maybe if u can't answer the mail, u can tell me here on the blogs, I hope everything's ok with us...I mean we haven't talked in so long...I worry sometimes Kass
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11/18/2007 7:44 pm |
Oh Ari.... I am so sorry about all this....it's so very sad...and I didn't have a clue about what was going on.... Wish you were closer--tea, kleenex, shoulder....But you did all the right things....I just sent an email.... Wishing you happiness Misty
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11/18/2007 10:23 pm |
Ari, I hope that this guy sneaks in and sees what he has done, My heart goes out to you XXXXXXXXXXXXX  today........ gone tomorrow..xx
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11/19/2007 12:10 am |
(((((Ari))))) I wonder on the "I died without pain" part. I heard something similar at one time from the first person I let into my life right after I separated - who is very very briefly noted in my blog post labeled Online Mistake #1. He too, at one point, told me he would be dead. What I later found out is that he was dead. That is, the person he made me believe he was, was dead. He had lied about his name, and in effort to leave me, he "killed" that person he had been the entire time we'd been corresponding. There is so much familiarity when I read the things this man wrote to you, compared to what I heard three years ago. Even the part about deleting the e-mail address because it's only been used for you. I'm not implying this is the same person, I'm very certain it isn't, but I think it's the same type of person. Someone who has a need to be overwhelmed, have the passion and fire, but if it becomes too real, then on to the next person or place to get that fix. I'm sorry this happened to you. I know these emotions way too well and I wish you peace of heart and mind now. I am so sorry that anyone ever did this to you. It makes trust...almost impossible. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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11/19/2007 12:10 am |
What a grandios running away. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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11/19/2007 12:13 am |
Ari Im so sorry u've been hurt this way. If u need to talk....well u know what I'm gonna say. By the way I left u a mail. Lol ur probably busy, but it's something that I'd like a response to, sorry if I just sounded demanding, I don't mean to, but maybe if u can't answer the mail, u can tell me here on the blogs, I hope everything's ok with us...I mean we haven't talked in so long...I worry sometimes I have received your letter...but in light of all that has happened recently...I simply have not responded. There is nothing wrong between us. You will always be my friend...but for now...you will have to understand...that...I am afraid...and I choose to isolate myself when I am afraid. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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11/19/2007 12:15 am |
Oh Ari.... I am so sorry about all this....it's so very sad...and I didn't have a clue about what was going on.... Wish you were closer--tea, kleenex, shoulder....But you did all the right things....I just sent an email.... I chose not to share this with anyone because I truly believed I was being unfair. He had a right to say/write whatever he chose to anyone he chose...without my interference. I chose to wait...and see what came of it. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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11/19/2007 12:17 am |
Ari, I hope that this guy sneaks in and sees what he has done, My heart goes out to you XXXXXXXXXXXXX I appreciate you, Kirst...thank you. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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11/19/2007 2:38 am |
So sorry for your hurt ari,and thankyou for some answers,i now understand why this person left so abruptly, i was so worried friday night,and it troubled my mind not understanding why,and i was worried he was going to kill himself or something,words like time to die,and he said to me see you on the otherside!!!!!!!!! I m sorry you have had a dreadful weekend because of all this,i was working so the mind was occupied,but he has been in my thoughts,wondering if he is okay. I hope you feel better soon sweetness, big hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxx come and roll in the mud i wanna get dirty.
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11/19/2007 6:17 am |
Dear Ari, precious one. My first prayer for you is that the words of love that you read here will come in strong to wipe out the false words that were so deceitfully given. That your heart can drink in from those who truly love and highly value you. You are a kind, caring and compassionate person, who shares so freely from your heart and in that sharing, you have offered a type of healing to others if only they wish to partake of it. I'm crying the deepest cry with you this morning. I was recently in a situation where a person threatened to kill herself to get what she wanted. It was a cruel, mean, destructive and hurtful thing that caused so much distress. I'd never seen anything like it before. These are dangerous people. Ari, much comfort to you today and the warmest of embrace, you have many shoulders here to put your head on.
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11/19/2007 9:27 am |
So sorry for your hurt ari,and thankyou for some answers,i now understand why this person left so abruptly, i was so worried friday night,and it troubled my mind not understanding why,and i was worried he was going to kill himself or something,words like time to die,and he said to me see you on the otherside!!!!!!!!! I m sorry you have had a dreadful weekend because of all this,i was working so the mind was occupied,but he has been in my thoughts,wondering if he is okay. I hope you feel better soon sweetness, big hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxx I hope you are...less worried for him. Love Ari Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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11/19/2007 9:42 am |
Dear Ari, precious one. My first prayer for you is that the words of love that you read here will come in strong to wipe out the false words that were so deceitfully given. That your heart can drink in from those who truly love and highly value you. You are a kind, caring and compassionate person, who shares so freely from your heart and in that sharing, you have offered a type of healing to others if only they wish to partake of it. I'm crying the deepest cry with you this morning. I was recently in a situation where a person threatened to kill herself to get what she wanted. It was a cruel, mean, destructive and hurtful thing that caused so much distress. I'd never seen anything like it before. These are dangerous people. Ari, much comfort to you today and the warmest of embrace, you have many shoulders here to put your head on. I'm not certain I would trust enough to take that risk again...but it is a lovely wish...and I appreciate it very much. It was important to me to share this so that others would learn from the choices I made...the signs I blinded myself to. I would not want anyone else to walk this path. I think that people who hold out the threat of harming themselves are more to be pitied than feared. It is an emotional drain on all around them...I know that well...but...the absence of any sense of the harm they choose to do others...is something to be sad for. I know that some of us disagree...but I believe...I really deep down believe...that each of us has the potential to be everything we are meant to be...even when life has destroyed our sense of self-worth; even when we have been beaten and kicked all of our lives; even when our own choices have led us somewhere darker....still..there are moments in life we can choose to change the path we walk. My greatest hope...is that each person who walks under the darkness of their past...will find the lighter path...and choose to walk upon it. I am a very fortunate woman...to have so many offer love and support. I wish that I could tell each and every one of you....just how much I love and appreciate you...your caring...the gift of your friendship. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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11/19/2007 1:01 pm |
For feck sake Ari!!! This makes me angry. I have experienced this type of thing through the internet myself, the internet is crawling with fakers like this, but it is not the faker that causes my anger it is you. Just cut it out of your life right now and be finished with it. Don't cling on to it, don't keep looking back at it, stop examining it, wash it right out of your system, spit it out and walk on it. It's an internet faker and that is all that it deserves. Whoever did this, be it a man, woman or child is loving this that you are doing right now. Don't do this, it only encourages them to do it again, maybe not here but at another site. It only encourages others. Please stop it now. Please. Spit it out, walk on it and walk away.
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11/19/2007 11:27 pm |
For feck sake Ari!!! This makes me angry. I have experienced this type of thing through the internet myself, the internet is crawling with fakers like this, but it is not the faker that causes my anger it is you. Just cut it out of your life right now and be finished with it. Don't cling on to it, don't keep looking back at it, stop examining it, wash it right out of your system, spit it out and walk on it. It's an internet faker and that is all that it deserves. Whoever did this, be it a man, woman or child is loving this that you are doing right now. Don't do this, it only encourages them to do it again, maybe not here but at another site. It only encourages others. Please stop it now. Please. Spit it out, walk on it and walk away. My apologies. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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11/20/2007 11:38 am |
I guess I haven't dealt with something quite like this before. I have a hard time imagining anyone loving this...any part of it...but I've been wrong before. I don't intend to cling to anything. I wrote it out of my system...and I'll move on from here. It is what I do when things...disturb me. My apologies. I understand your need to write things out, it is your way. The nature of internet fakers and fantasists is worth giving consideration to. Many of them are sad people living out fantasy lives. Others are a little bit nastier setting out to con and abuse. All of them are answering to their ego. Pieces like this disturb me because they can feed and encourage the ego of the perpetrator. We have a duty to each other to carefully think through how we deal with such people. I have no solutions but I feel it is worth discussing. I'm glad you are moving on, you don't want to let these people get their hooks into you. Be well Ari and hey thanks for the rainbow it is much appreciated. 
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