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 | Blogs > Ari_fairy > Ari-Wood > Putting It Together |
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As we continued to write to one another, I would learn that he really preferred not to answer questions. I believe that people have the right to their privacy so I rarely press a question, but if you send me a letter telling me that I stink…and I write back asking how I stink, what I stink from, whatever…I expect some response. He never said I stink, but he often made vague statements that I wanted to clarify…to understand. Yet…he never responded to questions requesting clarification. That really should have said a lot to me…but I was…entranced. The words he used were beautiful and glowed with the soft light of the setting sun reflected through the colors of the sky. I loved to read his words and imagine them wrapped around me, running through my veins like so much champagne. Instead of telling me what he meant in a previous letter, he became more affectionate…more loving…and it was a drug that took away the hunger inside me. In the words of love he whispered, I could lose the concern I was feeling…that something was more wrong than I could imagine. I could believe that I was…imagining…blowing things out of proportion. “I have never stopped thinking of you. I don't think I ever could. I envision us as one….I am with you in spirit, and long for you, as if you didn't know. I realize that you need more then which I can grant at this point in time, but please don't be sad, please feel the warmth I hold for you and know that my love for you is very real. “ If you know me at all…you know that these words would entrance me. It emphasizes a part of the world I deeply believe in. But in time I realized that I knew almost nothing about him. It seems to me that, even as friends, part of maintaining a correspondence is to learn more about one another...only within each person's comfort zone...but if all you do is exchange pleasantries...you have no friendship...and certainly nothing more; and you can whisper all the words of love you want…if you haven’t established a foundation for it…it cannot withstand the light of day. I began to feel that I really wanted to know him more. He had a way of describing scenes so that I could actually visualize it in my mind...and I could feel the touch of his hand...as if he were touching mine. I am not immune to feelings of closeness...and I was beginning to feel very close to him...in much the ways he said he was feeling towards me. Still...there was something wrong...and I was just beginning to put my finger on it. I noticed that when I commented on his blog...his responses were often...distant...written as if from one stranger to another. Yet...I saw him comment to other women with great affection as if he visualized them in his mind's eye; as if he felt close to them...and sometimes in the same words he would use when he wrote an e-mail to me. Of course, I asked about it...only to hear that he was in no way "cold" to me. I hadn't said cold...I said it was distant...as if...he wanted no one to know that he supposedly "loved" me. It was another sign I should have noticed; when I asked a question, the wording was often altered just enough to make it seem as if I had accused him of something rather than asked if I was misunderstanding something. An oddity of his e-mails was that he would write an entire e-mail...sign it with all his love...and then include a postscript...something truly personal and filled with beauty and words of loving. I always thought it was a bit unusual, but suddenly I realized that he was attaching the same postscripts over and over...as if he had saved them in a file...and simply attached them...personalized them...and called it good. It was the same way with pictures. He sent beautiful pictures...and then I began to get six and seven copies of the same pictures. Again...I asked about it. He liked the words he had written to me so well, he wanted me to remember them...and he only had a handful of pictures on the computer he used...but he liked to attach pictures to his e-mails. I was not so easily placated this time. There were one too many oddities. I began to analyze the situation as only I do. I took the words apart and put them back together; looked for the inconsistencies. I believe in people…I trust people…I don’t look for lies. But when I feel totally lost in a situation; when it rings untrue for me; when something is clearly wrong with it…I begin to search for what is wrong. My mind couldn’t let it go and I wrote one post after another about the confusion I was feeling. Writing things out is how I best work through my emotions…writing things out is how I best heal from pain. I found so many inconsistencies, so many pieces of a huge puzzle I should have seen through long before; I had so many questions…and no answers. As always, my first reaction was to question myself…was I being fair? Was I misinterpreting the information my heart was feeding me? Was I going to hurt someone without cause? When your heart is telling you something is wrong….listen. Don’t second-guess. Don’t doubt. Don’t question. Something is wrong….shield yourself. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari 
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 11/18/2007 3:04 pm |
When your heart is telling you something is wrong….listen. Don’t second-guess. Don’t doubt. Don’t question. Something is wrong….shield yourself wise words  thanks for reading and as per Dave Allen "May your God go with you"
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11/18/2007 3:11 pm |
know that my love for you is very real *deep, deep, deep sigh* Who wouldn't believe in these words and want to feel the magic that they inspire? Peace .. elaine67
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11/18/2007 3:26 pm |
Ari, even in such sorrowful times your words are so beautiful, even if this guy was false I am sure that he was entranced by you too. Lies are such awful things and I am guessing that he was telling them. Some people are very cruel.. My thoughts are with you. xx  today........ gone tomorrow..xx
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11/18/2007 4:57 pm |
When your heart is telling you something is wrong….listen. Don’t second-guess. Don’t doubt. Don’t question. Something is wrong….shield yourself wise words i have sent en email via ff to u.... cant say now more then i did. waste of time and emotions for someone who doesnt seems to me to make a difference between `i friendly love you` and i am in love with you..... Come on tell me who he is and i will put him in dungeon for you, locked in a cage and give you the Power of Whipes to whipe his ass everytime when he ask `Ary my love may i breath ? hmhmhm give me quite a pleasure to imagine him sitting at you feet and asking appologize for each time he wrote `Ari my love` behind of his bumm i will snap my wonder stick on him And i will do it with a wonderful smile on my face coz latelly i promised Alec i will stop swearing hahahahahahaha Ari.... i think the bel should have ring the first time when he wrote`Ari my love` mhmhmhmhmhmhmhhmhmhm my lil devil doesnt let me in peace...strange how men gets the sense of property ...Ari My love, My Kati, my .... As Kirst say `some poeple are very cruel` well i will reach the top of cruelty if i had him in my hands after seeing what are the consequesces of his words on you.....
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11/18/2007 6:08 pm |
When your heart is telling you something is wrong….listen. Don’t second-guess. Don’t doubt. Don’t question. Something is wrong….shield yourself wise words Thanks for so eloquently putting words to these complex emotions.
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11/19/2007 9:51 am |
When your heart is telling you something is wrong….listen. Don’t second-guess. Don’t doubt. Don’t question. Something is wrong….shield yourself wise words Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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11/19/2007 9:52 am |
know that my love for you is very real *deep, deep, deep sigh* Who wouldn't believe in these words and want to feel the magic that they inspire? Still...in a part of my heart...I believe he meant his words...the best way he knew how. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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11/19/2007 9:55 am |
Ari, even in such sorrowful times your words are so beautiful, even if this guy was false I am sure that he was entranced by you too. Lies are such awful things and I am guessing that he was telling them. Some people are very cruel.. My thoughts are with you. xx I would love to believe that at some point...anything I said...touched his heart and he carries it away with him. Perhaps words can help us to find...the us we are meant to be. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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11/19/2007 9:57 am |
Ari i have sent en email via ff to u.... cant say now more then i did. waste of time and emotions for someone who doesnt seems to me to make a difference between `i friendly love you` and i am in love with you..... Come on tell me who he is and i will put him in dungeon for you, locked in a cage and give you the Power of Whipes to whipe his ass everytime when he ask `Ary my love may i breath ? hmhmhm give me quite a pleasure to imagine him sitting at you feet and asking appologize for each time he wrote `Ari my love` behind of his bumm i will snap my wonder stick on him And i will do it with a wonderful smile on my face coz latelly i promised Alec i will stop swearing hahahahahahaha Ari.... i think the bel should have ring the first time when he wrote`Ari my love` mhmhmhmhmhmhmhhmhmhm my lil devil doesnt let me in peace...strange how men gets the sense of property ...Ari My love, My Kati, my .... As Kirst say `some poeple are very cruel` well i will reach the top of cruelty if i had him in my hands after seeing what are the consequesces of his words on you..... Yes, it was the first sign...that I chose to ignore. I'm so impressed that you are trying not to swear...and thanks for the email....you are a lovely friend always. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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11/19/2007 9:58 am |
Ditto - I hope those who are going through something similar to this now will take notice of your posts. Thanks for so eloquently putting words to these complex emotions. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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