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 | Blogs > Ari_fairy > Ari-Wood > When Words Obscure |
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I want to tell you that the man I met is a wonderful and unique man, and that is certainly true. He has many fine qualities….but he is not the man I once perceived him to be. The signs were all there, in his posts, but you could read his posts in several ways. They were always just a little bit misty…a little bit cloaked in words that twisted and turned. If you chose to ignore the parts you didn’t really want to read…you could sink right into the rest of the post…and feel yourself blanketed in something wonderful…and ephemeral. I can’t even tell you that he…chose me from a thousand women on the blogs. His posts were so heart-wrenching and sad that I broke all of my own rules. I sent an e-mail to a man I didn’t know. Now…I will occasionally return a wink with a brief message, but I almost never initiate contact with a man. I find that the most difficult of steps to take…and I make the assumption that if he wants to know me better…he will contact me. I know that this is not always true…but it is extremely difficult for me to write to men I don’t know well. This man, though…I always felt that he needed a hand to help him up, a hug…..just to know that someone cared. It wasn’t a mistake to write to him, but it certainly made me sit up and take notice when his response was addressed to “Arreana, my love…” and his closing was “all my love”. It was more than a little confusing and I wrote back lightly teasing him that if he wrote to all women in that manner, he would soon have all of the women on the blogs swooning at his feet. The comment was laughed off, but I did note that he continued to address e-mails to me in this manner. It is amazing how we can come to expect these words…how they can make us feel connected…even when there is no connection. It is amazing how much we can want to believe in them. When I write to a man, my intent is to get to know him better…to actually determine if there is anything we have in common. Do we have enough in common to be friends…or are we so different…so…completely opposite…that we’ll do nothing but disagree? An easy example I can use….I often tell people very early on in a correspondence that I am Wicca. I could care less what anyone thinks about that…but…particularly with people who are strongly religious…I often find that they are uncomfortable with my beliefs…or that they think they are obligated to “save” me. I guarantee it is the fastest way to stop talking to me. Believe what you believe…and allow me to be who I am. We don’t have to agree…we do have to respect each other’s right to believe as we do. I find that most men who write to me either tell me just about everything about themselves or ask a hundred questions of me. Most men don’t seem to be very comfortable discussing their pasts, what has brought them to the place they are at now; but it is what I really want to know. I want to know if you’ve ever hit a woman; I want to know what makes you most angry and how you react; I want to know who you love and how deeply you share of yourself….so I ask questions; lots of questions. One of the things that kept me off guard in our correspondence was that his letters were so much like his posts...obscure, back and forth again...he would be extremely affectionate...and then make a comment as if he wanted to keep me at arm's distance; and all the time he would write to “Ari, my love”. Since I didn't really have a strong feeling of who he was, what he was looking for...and if there was even any reason to be interested, I tried for a level playing ground. Let's be friends. To myself I justified his rather confusing letters by thinking that from the history he had described, he probably didn't have a great sense of how to approach women. He often described himself as never having been loved...never having known that emotion. Of course...that was before he told me he was married and getting a divorce. I think that was really the next clue...how he could have never known love...yet been married 21 years and loved his wife so much. Somewhat of a contradictory description and one I should have paid more attention to…along with a hundred other small signs that I chose to believe I was….misunderstanding. Don’t second-guess yourself. Believe in yourself. If a situation rings untrue….it probably is. Ask questions. If you don’t get answers that are believable…acceptable…walk away. No matter how wonderful you think he probably is “underneath”….you are trying to make him into your vision of who he is. Don’t do that. He isn’t. Accept it. Walk away. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari 
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11/18/2007 1:29 pm |
It is far too easy for people to fake it over the internet. One has to be so careful.
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11/18/2007 2:33 pm |
Well first for me there is only a certain point that online relationships can go. They can't go beyond that point at least for me. I would never place my full love and trust in someone that I have never met face to face. Even if I have cammed with them, have seen them, have talked to them on the phone and have had contact with them for months or even years, nothing will ever progress beyond that point of love for me until and unless I have met them and spent some actual time with them. Of course I am almost stupidly honest myself, so I am sometimes naive in believing that everyone else that I could possibly like is just as stupidly honest as I am.  You and I have known each other for over a year and a half Ari and I consider you a dear friend but we have not met face to face either so I think that anyone that you are really serious about you need to reserve judgment on until you've actually met them. But that's just me perhaps and people often do what they want.
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11/18/2007 2:34 pm |
And this is why I like getting to know someone via email...blogs etc...before 3D reality. The clues are always there...Sometimes we choose to ignore them... People create an image of themselves here and elsewhere that often, on closer scrutiny, does not hold up. I think they write things they think they're supposed to say--"I've never been loved before." Smacks of "victim" to me. Or game player. Or someone who hasn't taken the time to figure out exactly what that means. I have trusted my instincts--if something is "off" or doesn't ring true, I'm gone.... And in the end I have found someone who I love and trust. But our relationship evolved over time....and continues to evolve... but he was honest from day one. No games. You're so right about talking about your beliefs at the beginning of a friendship/relationship--that way there is no surprise. I've had a number of men reject me because of my practices. Oh well! I don't expect them to believe/practice the way I do, just respect mine. I sincerely hope that you find that special someone Ari who will truly appreciate and love you. Wishing you happiness Misty
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11/18/2007 2:45 pm |
Another reason to be open right away about beliefs is to not waste either person's time. If you enter a relationship who has extremely strong beliefs you can expect it will eventually override your relationship and will dominate and will break it up. Better to say thanks, but no thanks to person with strongly held belief systems if they don't match up with your own.
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 11/18/2007 3:03 pm |
to thine own self be true, listen to your heart and senses, they rarely tell us wrongly thanks for reading and as per Dave Allen "May your God go with you"
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11/18/2007 3:06 pm |
Nothing Ari fairy about you when it comes to guys so many of us can get taken in but I agree with you if it doesnt seem right......feeeeeeeeeeeeerget it Plenty more fish in the sea Tc If all else fails...scarper! x jezzzies x
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11/18/2007 3:08 pm |
Ari, are you kiding me??????????????? , hahahahahahahahahaha are you sure your mother was not involve with my father and acctually we are sisters? Coz i suspect i am not the daughter of my mother hahahaha Coz we think to alike damn it , even most similar experiences hahahaha U must let me more... And i havent got to ask your permision but i am sure it was not needed , i copied-paste from your previeus post to share my feelings...i am sure you know i adore you enought to respect you , cherish you ,love you and not doing something to harm you...Now get your eyes and read my post ...hahhahahahahaahah If i did not had such a bad english someone might think we are the same person!
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11/18/2007 3:13 pm |
i ate `know` from you must let me know more.... hahahahah i will laught my ass off if it was us to meet the same man I am cracking up here only thinking of it hahahahahahahahahahahah
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11/18/2007 3:13 pm |
Ari, I know how you feel. THis sounds so similar to something I went through. I agree with Misty, that if there seems to be something not quite right then get out; and quickly. Life is so full of test, sometimes I wonder what it is all about. One day we will find the answer...fingers crossed You are such a smart and interesting person, your words and poetry are so beautiful. I wish you all the happiness that you deserve and I think ( in time) all that you DO deserve will come to you.  today........ gone tomorrow..xx
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11/18/2007 6:03 pm |
I too have gone this route and in fact have started to write a little about it on my own blog. It's so easy to get swept away by someone who can put words together, has intelligence, and emotion. Especially when you're so wanting to have that in your life.
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11/19/2007 3:10 am |
I always had the impression this man had been very alone in his life,i even said to my man friday night that he had always been alone,so when i looked at his profile friday night,was taken back that he had been married,shock gasp horror i remember once posting a comment that if i could i would loved to give him a hug,because sometimes the sadness and loneliness he portrayed was so overwhelming. I never mailed him,or got emotionally involved,just saw him as a friend and i liked to read his poetry. Perhaps we all have been sucked in. hugs hun xxxxxxx come and roll in the mud i wanna get dirty.
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