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 | Blogs > Ari_fairy > Ari-Wood > Getting to know you.... |
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The story I am about to share is deeply personal. It is my story to tell and I share it only because I hope that some of us will learn from it. I hope...that it will open our eyes to something we should have seen...but willfully blinded ourselves to. I’m not planning to tear anyone apart; I believe people do and are…the best people they know how to be. The fact that it doesn’t make them the person we want them to be is a different issue. I believe that people are exactly who they are. We each make choices on our paths, we each choose the road to take and we each have to deal with the consequences of our choices…each and every one of us…including me. I believe that when we love, a part of that love is to accept people exactly as they are…without attempting to change them in any way….as we want them to accept us….warts and all. I believe that sometimes we are….so hungry for what we want…what we miss in our lives…that we are willing to blind ourselves to the truth…and in that moment…we allow ourselves to believe…to hope…to dream…what we know is not so. And therein…lies the trap. ************************************************** When I meet a man there are a few things that will attract me rather quickly...and a lot that will chase me off. I am drawn to men who are intelligent and articulate. I am also drawn to men who are willing to explore their own emotions...their own belief systems. Smiles, laughter and teasing are an immediate draw. Looks have never mattered to me...we're all aging and changing...although I do love to be with a tall man who can make me feel small…and I love to look at people’s eyes. But, for me...it is all about the person you are inside...and how you treat the people around you. Things that immediately chase me away are people whose smiles never touch their eyes, people who make my skin crawl, people who are harsh or hurtful to others, people who express bigoted or prejudicial opinions about any group for any reason, and people who invade my space…have to touch me…talk to me in a too personal way. It’s one thing to ask questions and get to know me; it’s one thing to tease me and play with words; it’s a totally different thing to assume you can say or do anything you want to me…tell too naughty jokes, stare at my breasts, act as if we’ve known one another for years. I have a comfort zone…and I have to feel comfortable with you. Surprisingly, some people do get through that comfort zone very swiftly…others never do. Initial reactions are only valid when we have something to base that reaction on. Meeting a man in my 3D world, I base reactions on what I can see…not how he looks or what he wears…how he carries himself, his eyes, how he reacts to me, how he moves, how his body moves when he laughs. I can see if he is uncomfortable around me as well as if he is immediately comfortable and responsive to me. But I find that people in the 3D world are often too busy being busy to take the time to talk. Talking lets me know much more about you than watching you. I am the most curious person and I ask hundreds of questions. Knowing who a man is helps me to gauge how he will react to my personality. It tells me how he has reacted to situations in the past…and how he has responded to people. It tells me if we will still have anything to talk about in 6 weeks, 6 months, 6 years, even a lifetime. There are some people who we simply have little or nothing in common with…and there are others who we feel immediately at home with…people we can talk to about anything and everything that enters our heads. It is important to me that any man I am involved with be comfortable talking to me about anything I have on my mind…and that I am similarly comfortable with him. I have been in the relationship where there are no words…only endless months of silence. I can’t live that way. I love silent moments…when we are comfortably silent, absorbed in our own things…but I don’t want that eternally. When I meet a man on the blogs I am obviously evaluating the opposite. I can’t tell what your eyes say to me…I am dependent on your words. So…I tend to trust people’s words…until I find them…inconsistent. Until they hold back the words…choose not to share who they are. Until they start playing with words…and then I have to make a choice. Do I walk away from the words I can’t depend on? Am I misjudging the person involved? Or are they using their words to hold me and confuse me…am I only a toy they are playing with? And how do I know what the truth is? I learned a lesson about that over the past few months…and that’s something I think we all need to think about. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari 
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11/18/2007 11:49 am |
You once told me that meeting someone online is amazing because we get to know them from the inside out first. I guess that is all too true from what you say here. Just glad you found out sooner than later (could've been sooner, I guess). I think it is very easy for people to become enamored with one another online...much more quickly and heavily than they might in 'real life.' I'm talking about me here, not you...it's something I'm starting to notice. Perhaps it is the hope that we have finally met the person of our hopes, a person we haven't met, again in real life. I don't deny that it is real, it's just that somehow we skip some steps along the way. There is something magical and different meeting someone in this way. I have had the good fortune to only meet genuine, loving, and super-intelligent people here. But I think I'm in the minority from what I've read around the blogs. We do need to think about this. My warmest hug to you, Ari my love. Peace .. elaine67
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11/18/2007 11:50 am |
Ari - Unfortunately those of us with trusting natures will find ourselves facing a wolf in sheep's clothing at some point or another. I think the best thing to do is take the time to know someone before giving your heart away. Too often here I'm seeing people in love in a matter of days or weeks. Can you really love someone in that amount of time? Or just love something about them? Not judging anyone here who has found true love in a matter of days or weeks, I do think it happens. But I think it's the exception, not the rule. Being too quick on the draw only leads to heartache and disillusion. And I do believe by taking time, all those questions you pose in your last paragraph can be answered and you'll have a good idea of who you're dealing with.
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11/18/2007 12:33 pm |
I do agree with a lot of the words you say in here Ari. I thought at the beginning if you would change the word man to woman it could have been about me. I don't think if you trust someone easily is bad. Like you said before (and I agree with that) is I trust someone until they become inconsistent. Misty and I were already communicating for a few months til we found out there was something more. For all the people that don't believe in an online and long distance relationship I can tell you it can work, but you have to get into it without expectations. I believe a lot of people online build expectations on photographs they see or, some kind words and that's the reason they get into spats as well. Sometimes we blame the ones for not living up to our own expectations. I do not want to change Misty, I want her just the way she is. It can happen; we're the examples and my love for her just grows and grows.
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11/18/2007 12:47 pm |
This is beautifully written Ari.There was a post earlier today written by LEVI42 about online relationships.I will answer the way i did he .I see it as a stepping stone.I have a friend who met his present wife on FF.She lives in Milan,he in England .They have been together now three years.FF was only a starting point ,no more.................Lydia Remember..live each day as it comes..it may be your last!!!xx " NAMASTE"
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11/18/2007 1:17 pm |
I think there are many kinds of relationships and there are many aspects of love. I think you can love someone and want to marry them and spend your life living with them and there are others you can love because they are fun to talk to, they are compassionate, understanding and are caring. I think that often people are blinded by their own desires and expectations but I also think that people are given plenty of hints and clues to know what the person they are developing feelings for is truly like. I have said this before that part of the problem I see is that people generally gloss over the personality flaws of a person they care about and expect that those flaws (usually developed over a lifetime) will somehow iron themselves out or correct themselves which of course almost never happens. People are who they are and if they are insensitive, uncaring, selfish, possessive, abusive, controlling or demanding now they will be that way 6 months, a year, two years or ten years into the relationship. If we expect perfection from a partner we will always be disappointed, just like if our partner expects perfection from us they will be disappointed. I think there is such a thing as love but I don't think it's a constant. I think it must be nurtured and that people must accept hard times along with good times or love can be damaged and can die forever or even turn to the nearly opposite emotion of hatred. Love and hate are two extremes but how many people do you see now days who once loved the person they now claim to hate? Hope that you are okay Ari. I missed seeing you around much lately.
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11/18/2007 1:50 pm |
I have said this before that part of the problem I see is that people generally gloss over the personality flaws of a person they care about and expect that those flaws (usually developed over a lifetime) will somehow iron themselves out or correct themselves which of course almost never happens. No truer words, Bruce. That is why I think friendship is the most important part of any relationship. You will always have your best friend around, no matter how annoying they become at times  Peace .. elaine67
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 11/18/2007 2:59 pm |
You write in my language. I like that. Facing reality hurts. On all levels and sometimes everyone bombards you with it. Right now I am grappling with the fact that I just survived a meltdown without my husband. We talked throughout, but he just didn't understand. And I had to lose the self-doubt and realize, well, that is ok. We have grown and changed together, but some parts stay the same. I am not the same person he met six years ago. I can light my own torch and carry it. It's scary realizing I'm not as needy as I thought. But what I realized was that the whole time I was carrying it, he was ready to catch me or relight it if it went out. Poise is the art of raising eyebrows instead of the roof.
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11/18/2007 3:01 pm |
we are all different and all put on a front to an extent, but unless you are yourself then if you are not happy with you how can anyone else be. Be true to thine own self first thanks for reading and as per Dave Allen "May your God go with you"
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11/18/2007 10:57 pm |
I do agree with a lot of the words you say in here Ari. I thought at the beginning if you would change the word man to woman it could have been about me. I don't think if you trust someone easily is bad. Like you said before (and I agree with that) is I trust someone until they become inconsistent. Misty and I were already communicating for a few months til we found out there was something more. For all the people that don't believe in an online and long distance relationship I can tell you it can work, but you have to get into it without expectations. I believe a lot of people online build expectations on photographs they see or, some kind words and that's the reason they get into spats as well. Sometimes we blame the ones for not living up to our own expectations. I do not want to change Misty, I want her just the way she is. It can happen; we're the examples and my love for her just grows and grows. Remember..live each day as it comes..it may be your last!!!xx " NAMASTE"
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11/19/2007 10:02 am |
You once told me that meeting someone online is amazing because we get to know them from the inside out first. I guess that is all too true from what you say here. Just glad you found out sooner than later (could've been sooner, I guess). I think it is very easy for people to become enamored with one another online...much more quickly and heavily than they might in 'real life.' I'm talking about me here, not you...it's something I'm starting to notice. Perhaps it is the hope that we have finally met the person of our hopes, a person we haven't met, again in real life. I don't deny that it is real, it's just that somehow we skip some steps along the way. There is something magical and different meeting someone in this way. I have had the good fortune to only meet genuine, loving, and super-intelligent people here. But I think I'm in the minority from what I've read around the blogs. We do need to think about this. My warmest hug to you, Ari my love. I don't begrudge a minute of knowing this man...I only wish...it didn't hurt...I didn't care. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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11/19/2007 11:52 am |
Ari - Unfortunately those of us with trusting natures will find ourselves facing a wolf in sheep's clothing at some point or another. I think the best thing to do is take the time to know someone before giving your heart away. Too often here I'm seeing people in love in a matter of days or weeks. Can you really love someone in that amount of time? Or just love something about them? Not judging anyone here who has found true love in a matter of days or weeks, I do think it happens. But I think it's the exception, not the rule. Being too quick on the draw only leads to heartache and disillusion. And I do believe by taking time, all those questions you pose in your last paragraph can be answered and you'll have a good idea of who you're dealing with. I hold myself responsible for what happened. I should have seen that there were problems...I should have seen that this was not something working for him. Perhaps he simply....couldn't tell me that it was not the right situation for him. It is easy to blame one another....it is more appropriate...from my perspective...to forgive...to not blame...to accept that we contribute to anything that happens to us...and to believe that each of us did the best we could personally do...even if it wasn't what the other needed. I do believe you can fall in love swiftly...with the right person. I also believe we have to know a great deal about one another before we let ourselves slip into that place. For me...I believe that I'd rather not trust at that level again. But...that is because I don't trust my own judgment of people...not because I don't truth them. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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11/19/2007 11:55 am |
I do agree with a lot of the words you say in here Ari. I thought at the beginning if you would change the word man to woman it could have been about me. I don't think if you trust someone easily is bad. Like you said before (and I agree with that) is I trust someone until they become inconsistent. Misty and I were already communicating for a few months til we found out there was something more. For all the people that don't believe in an online and long distance relationship I can tell you it can work, but you have to get into it without expectations. I believe a lot of people online build expectations on photographs they see or, some kind words and that's the reason they get into spats as well. Sometimes we blame the ones for not living up to our own expectations. I do not want to change Misty, I want her just the way she is. It can happen; we're the examples and my love for her just grows and grows. I would rather walk away from a relationship...than accept what I can't live happily with...than try to change someone into my vision of them. I will only make both of us unhappy that way. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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11/19/2007 11:56 am |
This is beautifully written Ari.There was a post earlier today written by LEVI42 about online relationships.I will answer the way i did he .I see it as a stepping stone.I have a friend who met his present wife on FF.She lives in Milan,he in England .They have been together now three years.FF was only a starting point ,no more.................Lydia Thank you, Lydia. Your words made me feel hope for many people. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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11/19/2007 12:01 pm |
I think there are many kinds of relationships and there are many aspects of love. I think you can love someone and want to marry them and spend your life living with them and there are others you can love because they are fun to talk to, they are compassionate, understanding and are caring. I think that often people are blinded by their own desires and expectations but I also think that people are given plenty of hints and clues to know what the person they are developing feelings for is truly like. I have said this before that part of the problem I see is that people generally gloss over the personality flaws of a person they care about and expect that those flaws (usually developed over a lifetime) will somehow iron themselves out or correct themselves which of course almost never happens. People are who they are and if they are insensitive, uncaring, selfish, possessive, abusive, controlling or demanding now they will be that way 6 months, a year, two years or ten years into the relationship. If we expect perfection from a partner we will always be disappointed, just like if our partner expects perfection from us they will be disappointed. I think there is such a thing as love but I don't think it's a constant. I think it must be nurtured and that people must accept hard times along with good times or love can be damaged and can die forever or even turn to the nearly opposite emotion of hatred. Love and hate are two extremes but how many people do you see now days who once loved the person they now claim to hate? Hope that you are okay Ari. I missed seeing you around much lately. I will be ok. I have some...letting go...to do...some thinking...a lot of healing. I will not be around much in the future. I have two weeks to complete this class...and three more classes beginning. I have decided to let go of caring for what I once wanted in life...and focus on work and school. In the end...it may keep me from making a fool of myself again. By the way...love is a constant....if we choose to make it the priority in our lives. Love and hugs to you, Bruce. I miss talking to you as well. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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11/19/2007 12:02 pm |
I have said this before that part of the problem I see is that people generally gloss over the personality flaws of a person they care about and expect that those flaws (usually developed over a lifetime) will somehow iron themselves out or correct themselves which of course almost never happens. No truer words, Bruce. That is why I think friendship is the most important part of any relationship. You will always have your best friend around, no matter how annoying they become at times Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari
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