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 | Blogs > Whatsherface > WhatsTheBeef? > Wife Manual Version 1.0 |
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This has been a week beyond exhausting. Dramas abound and I find myself mired in things I have no wish to be touched by. It has been very disturbing and I can feel my reclusive tendencies threatening to take over. First was a disturbing rumour about a close friend's marriage which made me reprimand someone for the first time in a very long time in the most cutting way. Then yesterday night, we spent almost 8 hours counselling the wife of a friend despite all our attempts to avoid involvement. Our friend, T, had been a regular at one of our restaurants for many years and has become a friend despite all our busy and often disparate traveling schedules. In fact, we were even privileged enough to be invited to his wedding, which turned out to be one of the most unhappy, strained and blatantly angst-filled wedding we had the misfortune to attend. After the wedding, which was many years ago, we never saw his wife again. We were given the impression that she was doing her doctorate back in UK while he had business in Asia. Last night, I managed to catch up with my erstwhile uncle who was making a brief detour in the same country. It was supposed to be a quiet supper and early (for us anyway) night. Then he receives a call from T's wife. We were flabbergasted. We did not even know how she found out he was in town. We were surprised she was in town for that matter. She was in some distress and asked that she come to the restaurant to speak with my uncle as she had left T and he was apparently dogging her tail. She needed some place to escape to and needed to speak with my uncle, whom she claims T respects beyond anyone else in this world. I started making signs to vacate post haste and it was with much desperate cajoling that my uncle managed to persuade me to back him up. Sigh. Our natures are such that we do not like getting involved in other people's personal issues and dislike being privy to things that would disturb the equilibrium and peace of our sanctuaries. But our inborn sense of hospitality and graciousness forbade us from asking her not to come. So we waited. We prepared our shishas and coffees for a painful night ahead. She came. She complained. She exposed her husband's lies which we always suspected but never questioned or insinuated since it was just water off a duck's back. She accused. She pleaded battery and abuse. We nodded, murmured in the right pauses and basically kept our opinions to ourselves. We messaged the husband that she was in our territory and since they had brought their dirty linen to our doorsteps, we would be impartial and objective mediators. He apologised and curtly said the ball was in her court. He sent her a messaged bitterly thanking her for destroying his reputation and image with his friends. He did not come to collect his runaway wife. The ball was in her court and we were cautiously sympathetic without committing ourselves, with typical diplomacy. We were also desperate to get rid of her as we both have flights to catch the next day and we were very tired. She refused to budge and kept rehashing the same questions and complaints. 4 hours later, while we were talking about shishas and T's adoration of his time spent with us in the quiet haven of our restaurant and our company (something she was virulently jealous of), we had a breakthrough. She did not have Wife Manual Version 1.0. For an Indian woman, she had absolutely no idea how to be an Asian wife to a typically Asian man. With much slapping of our foreheads with our palms, my uncle and I gave her brief synopsis of the chapters in Wife Manual Version 1.0. We kindly refrained from bringing up more advanced pointers from Wife Manual Version 3.25, republished as of March 2008. She talked back to him. He is a man who can never be wrong and dislikes and refuses to accept anyone's naysaying in any form. We usually dealt with this by laughing at him. She dealt with it by shouting at him. Which apparently gets her beaten up. We simply said we would have left him, while laughing at him while we sued his pants off. She just complained and went back for more. She made nasty comments about his beloved mother. Never, ever insult the other's parents no matter what happens. It is rude and shows superbly bad upbringing and manners. My uncle and I were appalled and could only exchange wide-eyed looks of shock and horror at her bad behaviour. She harped at him about the hours he went out, came home, or kept at work. We told her he was an extremely independent man who did not like being questioned and monitored. She should just lay out his night clothes, towels and slippers for when he returned from his extremely gruelling hours at work, and if awake, run his bath and just make him tea or coffee without questioning his movements. She said it was unfair and feudal. We nodded sagely and agreed but that was the culture he was from. You married him knowing this. You either live with it or you walk. At this point, we were just hoping she walked to the nearest hotel so we could go back to ours. We were knackered just listening to her. I am a woman but I could see how and why T would rail at her. Despite my wild streak of independence, I was raised to be the perfect wife by a very old-fashioned grandmother. I know all the rules, the dictates and subtleties of winning the marital game. Logically. Rationally. I just choose not to accept it. I reject it wholeheartedly with every atom in my being. And I refuse to play the game. T's wife is spoilt, unreasonable, whiny, ungrateful, nagging, selfish, inconsiderate, boastful and remarkably silly for a highly-educated woman and professional. She has also never been taught how to be a wife. The fact that my uncle, a man incidentally *roll eyes*, had to read her song and verse from Wife Manual Version 1.0 is something I think is highly embarrassing for her. She also did not listen despite our reiteration of our recommendation of her next plan of action. She kept nagging us and yet when we voiced them reluctantly, she would nod and then ask us again. We were incredibly tired of her by the time the darkened skies broke to allow the first pale blue rays of careful enlightenment. She called him. He ignored her calls. My uncle called and he did not answer. I refused to call. In the end, we had no choice but to take her out for breakfast and after some nervous haggling, my uncle lost the toss and had to bring her to his hotel for her to check into. I refused point-blank to have her at mine. He is stuck with her now and I gratefully escaped. We both depart today, leaving her to stew in a misery and dilemma of her own device. While we are in full sympathy, if indeed T does physically and verbally abuse her, we think she puts herself in the position of a recurring victim. Wife Manual is something most women in Asia or with an Asian heritage (even a half-arsed Eurasian one like mine) were brought up with. Even the wealthiest and most sheltered daughters of the finest houses are taught rudiments of this. Or at least that was how it was during my time. She is only a couple of years younger than me but I find it unbelievable that Wife Manual Version 1.0 should have become a limited edition. It is not so much that we should study it so we can subjugate ourselves to a lifetime of servitude to our spouses but so we can understand the expectations and emotional upbringing many men in Asia possess. Like my grandfather used to tell me, know thy enemy as thyself and a hundred battles fought will be won. I am going to go into much needed seclusion soon as I dislike the negative shrouds of emotional turmoil brushing against me. In the immortal words from 6th Sense ... I see stupid people. |
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 5/6/2008 12:34 am |
Have a great day 
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5/6/2008 2:45 am |
Which is why I never married a Chinese---Chinese Wife Manual waaaaaaaaaaaaay thicker and a lot more complicated than Filipino Wife Manual. I think three quarters of entire manual is just on how to deal with a Chinese mother-in-law. I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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5/6/2008 3:30 am |
Remind me never to marry an Asian man.
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5/6/2008 4:47 am |
do they wash up without nagging, hu hu hu hu, where can i get a asian bird from. whats it all about if you cant have a laugth and a shag every now and then
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5/6/2008 5:22 am |
Which is why I never married a Chinese---Chinese Wife Manual waaaaaaaaaaaaay thicker and a lot more complicated than Filipino Wife Manual. I think three quarters of entire manual is just on how to deal with a Chinese mother-in-law. In the immortal words from 6th Sense ... I see stupid people.
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5/6/2008 5:29 am |
Remind me never to marry an Asian man. In the immortal words from 6th Sense ... I see stupid people.
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5/6/2008 5:36 am |
do they wash up without nagging, hu hu hu hu, where can i get a asian bird from. In Asia, of course, you silly man! In the immortal words from 6th Sense ... I see stupid people.
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5/6/2008 6:15 am |
Don't marry an Asian man.
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5/6/2008 6:26 am |
One of my best friends here is lucky enough to find a most tolerant and generous(by the word generous I don't merely refer to its financial implication) husband and parents-in-law in China, but that has a lot to do with the same lovely personality of my friend herself. Marriage in China seems not only to be a matter of the young couple, but has become a matter of two families as well. When parents and relatives are involved, things may easily turn complicated. The most subtle problems often rise between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law, as seldom you will find them like each other. I can't say that marrying a Chinese man would be definitely lead you to unhappy marriage, as you can still find very good instances out there. But finding a man that you like, who happens to have grown up from the family that shares much of the same values as the one that you were born into, is really really hard. Besides, many Chinese men are still intoxicated with the male-dominated ideology, which's what sickens me most. All that I am grateful is that I am lucky to have decent parents and a group of most hospitable relatives. My mom has her Wife Manual Version too, but I always rush away at her urgent summon of imparting it to me. In fact, I know what it is all about, I just can't imagine myself to fall victim to a fault-finding mother-in-law some day by simply accepting the role of a mentally docile wife. (Thanks so much for the invitation WHF, but I can't make it in December.  )Agnes
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5/6/2008 7:14 pm |
Wow...just in time...now, how do I get this dress off? *Starts selling tickets for the show* In the immortal words from 6th Sense ... I see stupid people.
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5/6/2008 7:34 pm |
One of my best friends here is lucky enough to find a most tolerant and generous(by the word generous I don't merely refer to its financial implication) husband and parents-in-law in China, but that has a lot to do with the same lovely personality of my friend herself. Marriage in China seems not only to be a matter of the young couple, but has become a matter of two families as well. When parents and relatives are involved, things may easily turn complicated. The most subtle problems often rise between the daughter-in-law and the mother-in-law, as seldom you will find them like each other. I can't say that marrying a Chinese man would be definitely lead you to unhappy marriage, as you can still find very good instances out there. But finding a man that you like, who happens to have grown up from the family that shares much of the same values as the one that you were born into, is really really hard. Besides, many Chinese men are still intoxicated with the male-dominated ideology, which's what sickens me most. All that I am grateful is that I am lucky to have decent parents and a group of most hospitable relatives. My mom has her Wife Manual Version too, but I always rush away at her urgent summon of imparting it to me. In fact, I know what it is all about, I just can't imagine myself to fall victim to a fault-finding mother-in-law some day by simply accepting the role of a mentally docile wife. (Thanks so much for the invitation WHF, but I can't make it in December. )The few times I dated Chinese blokes, the deal breaker was always their family. The first time I dated a Chinese bloke long enough that he actually brought me home to meet his mum, she stared at me all throughout dinner, then blurted out, "What are you? You are not pure Chinese. What are you?" I told her I was a purebreed mongrel and walked out. Also told him to take a flying leap off the shortest bridge and not to call ever again. It did not endear Chinese blokes to me for a long time and I still look at them askance when one of them ask me out. Why and how they think they can handle me is beyond ludicrous. My ex mother-in-law was a lovely woman and I still think of her fondly. I was sadder at losing her (and my ex father-in-law) than the ex and never ever told her what he did because I did not want to upset her or break her heart. I have studied the dichotomy of the educational system and the influences of the Western world on Asian society. The women have accepted and adopted a new social attitude that has changed the traditional imprint of the role of woman but the men are finding the changes a hard and unwanted adjustment. It is why Asians are marrying later than before and also why the rate of divorce had increased. It is very interesting indeed. I could tell you some stories of my grandmother who makes all evil mother-in-laws look like shrinking violets. It is not the mother-in-law you need to arm yourself against. It is the man. Unless you manage to find an enlightened one like MM did. People do not realise that Wife Manual is an extremely useful war and prison management manual. Careful study of it will give you all the tools necessary to beat them at their own game. In the immortal words from 6th Sense ... I see stupid people.
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5/7/2008 5:21 am |
The stories of your grandmother must be very interesting, and shocking as well. But I don't think one should "beat" the other in their marriage, be it the wife or the husband. Why can't they just ignore the negative influence from their respective families and stay trustful to and respectful for their spouse? If lovers have not prepared for that, they shouldn't have jump into marriage in haste. Or could it be because I am too simple-mined on the issue of marriage myself?  Agnes
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5/7/2008 7:20 am |
That's what you get for wearing Lycra dresses two size too small for you, you vain thing you! You'll just have to wriggle and shimmy out of it. *Starts selling tickets for the show* Do I get a cut of the takings?
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5/7/2008 1:07 pm |
The stories of your grandmother must be very interesting, and shocking as well. But I don't think one should "beat" the other in their marriage, be it the wife or the husband. Why can't they just ignore the negative influence from their respective families and stay trustful to and respectful for their spouse? If lovers have not prepared for that, they shouldn't have jump into marriage in haste. Or could it be because I am too simple-mined on the issue of marriage myself? Yeah, my grandmother is a horror story in itself. She can literally drive people to kill themselves. In the immortal words from 6th Sense ... I see stupid people.
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5/7/2008 1:10 pm |
Ah...I think I wriggled when I should have shimmied...now I'm in trouble. Do I get a cut of the takings? You get a cut when you give me my lottery winnings. In the immortal words from 6th Sense ... I see stupid people.
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5/9/2008 2:29 am |
No, no! You should have wriggled twice, shimmied thrice. Repeat. Then wriggle once and shimmy twice. Followed by a wriggle and shimmy and a wriggle again. Then shimmy for 30 seconds non-stop before the Lycra falls off you like Janet Jackson's clothes at the SuperBowl. You get a cut when you give me my lottery winnings. Your numbers, La Primitiva, Saturday 10 May....cross fingers.
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5/10/2008 11:08 pm |
It's the same thing ... *mutters under breath - these amateurs ...* I gave them to you before. Would it help if I crossed my legs and toes too? Crossed eyes right now. In the immortal words from 6th Sense ... I see stupid people.
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5/11/2008 2:52 pm |
We got "reintegro" which means you get your stake back. We'll try again in the next one. *shimmies out of the blog*
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