 | Blogs > askimyt > Expressions > the bandaged place |
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"Don't turn away. Keep your gaze on the bandaged place. That's where the light enters you." Rumi In my marriage there were many open wounds. Large, huge, gapping, festering, infected, wounds. I allowed them to happen. I put the knife in the hands of the n-ex and didn't back away....until it was too late, and the wounds were there. I did nothing to stop it. Sometimes I got out the Band-Aids and iodine and tried to treat the wounds myself, but I always allowed the wounds to be reopened, and new ones to be inflicted. Then one day I made him leave. I told him you or me but someone will go. He didn't want to have the kids on his own, so he left. I got out extra large sized Band-Aids then and a super sized tube of antibiotic cream and figured that was enough. He was gone, I could heal. Except I kept finding him in other men's clothing. There were smaller knives but they were still there. I still handed them over. I still stood by and let it happen. Sometimes they opened old wounds I thought were healed, sometimes they made new ones. Until the day I discovered my self worth. I lost the fear of being alone. I stood up to the woman in the glass and promised her no one would ever hurt her again. That was when I got out the needle and thread, and sewed the wounds shut, meticulously, tediously, one by one. I know every stitch personally because each one represents a milestone in my healing. Last summer I took the last stitch out of the last wound. The thing is, those areas are still sensitive. If anyone has ever had stitches they know what I mean. You can run into what has healed and it still hurts, even though the cut is no longer open. Naturally the areas of the deepest wounds take the smallest amount of pressure to hurt me. But when any of those areas get pressed against, I recoil. I know how those wounds got there. I know I never asked to be abused but that I also allowed it to happen. You cannot be abused without your permission. Knowing this, I'm hypersensitive to those things that make me feel I could be standing in line to have someone stamp "welcome" on my forehead and walk all over me again. I can look at the bandaged place. I've faced the ugliness not just of the relationships, but of myself and how little I had to have thought of me to allow the kind of treatment I got. But I got so good at looking at that place I now find it hard to tear my eyes away and accept what's in front of me. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV) This sweet and wonderful man walked into my life 9 months ago wanting nothing in return except what I was so willing to give. He accepts me. He defines, in my life, right now, what Paul wrote above about love. But I'm SO afraid sometimes to let it all go. To believe I deserve someone who treats me like this, no agenda, no personal gain, nothing but best intentions. Of course he admits that he does get something from this arrangement too. I'm not a selfish and self serving wench bag looking for what I can get from a nice guy. He gets treated pretty darned good if I do say so myself.  But I have to stop looking at the bandaged place. I have to know I'm healed and I don't need to keep looking at the scars of relationships past to know this. There is nothing to compare David against. He's unique and blows everyone else out of the water. He's in a class by himself. So why keep looking at the remnants of what other men have left me with? Today, along with all the other revelations of things I need to change in my life that's come to me since I got those test results, I will also change this. No more recoiling when those scars get touched. It's inevitable, there are so many of them in so many places it's hard to not touch them. But they're scars, just scars, reminders, not definitions. I don't need to worry about them being reopened, not just because I know to not hand the knives over anymore, but because David wouldn't do that to me. "The future is today." William Osler |
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 6/2/2008 6:58 pm |
 Have a nice day  (¯`v´¯) `*.¸.*´ ¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨) (¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•smile and be happy always
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6/2/2008 8:45 pm |
This was well put but I must say "this was exhausting" and you opened up some of my old wounds with this piece. My trio's father was abusive, I dated other losers still wanting him to be someone he didn't want to be. He wanted the kids til we had them but then as they took my time and attention from him, he wanted them less and me more and things got insane until finally when my daughter turned 13, one son was 12, and my baby was 5. I finally left their dad for good b/c my 13 yr. old told me. Have to add she was much smarter than I she didn't allow it to happen more than once when her guy attacked her she filed charges and she sued him Anyways, my best advice is: learn lessons from the past move towards the future but live in the moment b/c tommorrow never comes but it brings changes about daily.... peace,lisa Make luv & war will be extinct! Stop the hate!
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6/3/2008 6:20 am |
I am happy for you! I'm sure the trip has been at times awful but look at the end result. David is a lucky man. A wish for peace, happiness and good health THE JOURNEY CALLED LIFE!!
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6/3/2008 7:36 pm |
Have a nice day
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6/3/2008 7:38 pm |
This was well put but I must say "this was exhausting" and you opened up some of my old wounds with this piece. My trio's father was abusive, I dated other losers still wanting him to be someone he didn't want to be. He wanted the kids til we had them but then as they took my time and attention from him, he wanted them less and me more and things got insane until finally when my daughter turned 13, one son was 12, and my baby was 5. I finally left their dad for good b/c my 13 yr. old told me. Have to add she was much smarter than I she didn't allow it to happen more than once when her guy attacked her she filed charges and she sued him Anyways, my best advice is: learn lessons from the past move towards the future but live in the moment b/c tommorrow never comes but it brings changes about daily.... peace,lisa I know how painful that is but you're so right, learn the lessons and maybe most importantly, learn the why of what brought you to those lessons. That's the part of my journey that has brought me the most peace. Understanding myself so I could find a way to NEVER repeat this in my life again.
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6/3/2008 7:39 pm |
I am happy for you! I'm sure the trip has been at times awful but look at the end result. David is a lucky man. A wish for peace, happiness and good health If this trip I had to take was because I would know what was real when it came to me, then it was well worth it.
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6/4/2008 6:37 pm |
same here (¯`v´¯) `*.¸.*´ ¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨) (¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•smile and be happy always
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6/5/2008 4:16 pm |
Hiyaa miss askimyt, Hugzzzz Wounds always hurt and the slighest reminder brings memorys flooding back  But I do like what miss ThisIsMein said.....learn lessons from the past move towards the future but live in the moment b/c tommorrow never comes but it brings changes about daily.... DZ 
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6/5/2008 4:48 pm |
I'm sorry my ramblings opened up wounds for you Lisa. I know how painful that is but you're so right, learn the lessons and maybe most importantly, learn the why of what brought you to those lessons. That's the part of my journey that has brought me the most peace. Understanding myself so I could find a way to NEVER repeat this in my life again.as long as you just don't continuely repeat them and especially when you learn from them! Afterall: Life is a simple game and only the players make it hard. Peace,lisa Make luv & war will be extinct! Stop the hate!
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6/5/2008 9:01 pm |
same here
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6/5/2008 9:03 pm |
Hiyaa miss askimyt, Hugzzzz Wounds always hurt and the slighest reminder brings memorys flooding back But I do like what miss ThisIsMein said.....learn lessons from the past move towards the future but live in the moment b/c tommorrow never comes but it brings changes about daily.... DZ back at you but you're confusticating me....what do you mean by tomorrow never comes?(Probably just too late, and I've been doing work from home tonight the last 4 hours, so I'm sure my brain is just too mushy to think).
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6/5/2008 9:05 pm |
I have always told my kids that it's ok to make mistakes as long as you just don't continuely repeat them and especially when you learn from them! Afterall: Life is a simple game and only the players make it hard. Peace,lisa But not repeating the mistakes...that can be hard at times. Because if all you do is repeat the same mistakes over and over you fall into that class of people Forrest Gump's mama talked about - stupid is as stupid does. 
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