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| Blogs > Mrs_CIGAR > Happy NAILS to you!!! |
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I still have a twitching nerve - I must not be dead yet. I hate being an early riser. There is no one to talk to and no one to contact for work and nothing to do but delete all 3,000 junk/spam/scam emails after I look at them because maybe, just MAYBE, one will be a legitimate response. I went down the street to talk to a Pastor for a while yesterday. He told me it's ok that I am angry. He said even Jesus was a little pissed off and confused while hanging on the cross and yelled at God for forsaking Him. So if I need to scream for a while, it will be ok and not mean that I have turned my back on God. Coming back to California was the hardest thing I think I have ever been asked to do and I was so sure that if it was to be, then it was definitely from God and I came in faith. He doesn't ask us to do easy stuff. He also told me I am not wrong for closing the door to my mother because of the danger she represents and she keeps divulging information about me to my whacked out - drug addicted - wants to kill me - brother. I have changed my phone number but I can't let her have it because I am scared that my brother will learn my area code and prefix and figure out where I am. This is a small town. I told her exactly how I felt and told her that as much as I would like to have a relationship with her I just can't for fear of my brother. For years I nursed her through so many tearful calls because she says my brother rips up her life and feels like she lives in a prison. But for some reason one day I just opened my mouth and told her it's a prison of her own making and she keeps inviting him into her cell with her. Here's why he wants to kill me: Many years ago he was arrested for some serious activity. He called a police station when they hired a black officer and he threatened to blow it up cause he's a tadly bit on the prejudiced side. He's kind of known as a whack and he was arrested. When it was time for him to go before the judge, family members were asked to write letters explaining how poor Brother is just misunderstood, had learned his lesson, and was no threat to society. That we would vouch for him. Not on your life. I had small and I wasn't exposing them to him. I wrote to the judge that if the prison system was truly for corrections and rehabilitation, then it was the last hope for my brother and that I hoped he would receive supervised care and medication, etc. Mother Dearest showed him a copy of that letter. When he did do time (very minimal and was released early) he came gunning for me. Called my house at all hours, said he had a bullet with my name on it and that he lived to see me dead. Even after I moved overseas and then to Maine she would tell him where I was and the harrassment would start. No matter how I begged her. She said that she believed that what my brother wants is for me to love him and that I just need to give him a chance. She is angry that I won't go visit him because she says that I just might be the key that suddenly makes him, after 50 years, become a whole, upstanding citizen. Uh. Growing up with the guy was bad enough. He has always been physically violent even before he got into drugs at the ripe old age of 11. I'm not buying it. Here's something that will scare the pants off of you. He works............at a Botox plant in the Bay Area. Uh huh. Access to deadly substances. And can't be fired because he can claim unfair because of his mental status. My other brother (who also gets death threats in the middle of the night and warned that touching things like his vehicles could kill him,) and I have both contacted the FBI at times. They say he is monitored at work and nothing we can do. I want to go into the witness protection program. I hear they even provide jobs. So anyway back to my mother. What the Pastor helped me see yesterday is that I am not dishonoring her by keeping her at a distance. She knows our feelings and has made the choice to keep my brother in her life and apprised of my whereabouts and activity, therefore I cannot see her anymore. It was HER choice after that point, and I am not dishonoring her with this. I can let go now. Soon. Soon. Today I have enough money in my bank account, (Thanks ETrade for sharing my money with me) and I will be spending the better part of a Friday morning and afternoon trying to get my car registered so my brother can have his truck back. God bless him. I wouldn't loan me a truck with my current mental distraction. I don't care how good his insurance is. LOLOL! Oh look - I'm still laughing!!! Or maybe that was just a nerve twitching!!!! |
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Yeah. Something is up with the site. Everyone I tried to read today came back 'post deleted' and this double posting thing happens alot. But think about it. WIth all the sites and posts and what not they manage, it's no wonder it gets wobbly from time to time. I feel it's pain. LOLOL!
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