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 | Blogs > Mrs_CIGAR > Happy NAILS to you!!! > What to do when your parents get old? |
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Having an issue about my mother. She shouldn't be alone. My oldest brother has told me that he will be assuming the role of seeing to her care when she gets to that point but I believe she is at that point now. Not physically, but mentally. She is in Oregon, I am in Maine. My brother is in California (actually I have 2 brothers in California). Mom has pretty much lived her life as if my brothers and I were the biggest pains in her ass. Neither of my brothers had children because we were raised being told that kids would ruin your life. I escaped that by spending my time with a family where kids were considered a good thing. When I called to tell her I was pregnant with my first born her response was "No one will think bad of you if you have an abortion." I didn't call her for a while after that. Now she is 70+ and has realized she's got nuthin. She calls me crying because the people she knows all have pictures of kids, grandkids and great-grandkids, but she can't even get my kids to call her back. Well......??? They don't even know her, for crying out loud but it wasn't for lack of trying on my part. She said they got on her nerves when they were little and wouldn't come to our house because I let my kids have access to all parts of the house and didn't make them stay in their rooms. Now she tells me I should make them call her because she is their grandmother, after all. I tell her they are 27, 25 and 21 and I can't/won't make them do anything. I'm a bad daughter. But my poor brother is being ripped to shreads. He was the 'responsible child' growing up. Always carried a ton of guilt because Mom was not a happy woman. And she abhors anyone else who is happy, so she is trying to break up his marriage, tells him he spoils his step-granddaughter and thinks he should just abandon his family and go on a year long road trip to 'find himself'. He's 52-years-old. Happy. Has a big extended family because his wife of 22 years had 4 kids when they got married and apparently reproducing is a forte in that family. Good for him. He will not die a lonely man with regrets. So Mom is now dangling the fact that she's got a ton of money and is trying to figure out which of her kids should inherit it. This is a trap. She can't get our attention any other way. My brother says he's tried to talk to her and tell her to spend it all on a good retirement community where she won't be bothered by kids. My other brother thinks she should give it all to him so he won't have to work to buy his drugs. I'm just not taking her calls anymore. And I feel bad because she is 70-something and alone. But it's not my fault. |
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9/21/2007 5:23 am |
Thankyou for your response...i feel exactly the same way.I truely did try until i was 38years old despite the emotional abuse & neglect.I did it for my daughter hoping they would change or soften with age .No such luck.When it finally clicked that my family only brought me pain then i let go and learned to live without them.As a nurse i knew this day would come.The day they are old and frail and need ME.It saddens me how i feel .The Bible says honour your mother and father.However,my parents never gave me the feeling i belonged to them(i am definately a POPE though).They concieved me,fed and watered+ educated me according to the law of the land.Could have produced a chicken as easily 6 they would not have noticed.All my thoughts,efforts still go towards my little family,my daughter.We get on fine alone.Dont wish to have my father in my little world anymore and risk disturbing our peace and harmony.Sad but true.I wish you well.Whatever you decide is hard.Lydia
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9/20/2007 5:57 am |
Dear Mrs Cigars,LOL.I was born on the other side of the Atlantic but the story your telling could have been mine. As a kid i was not wanted because i was born the wrong sex.Wasnt a day in my life i didnt feel it.Unfortunately i had a brother-the idol.My brother married and is financially successful.However,no kids.My life was caotic but i have a beautiful 20year old daughter who is a lovely person and just finished Nursing school.Raising her as a single mother was hell.My parents did not even give me a pair of wooley socks for her.when i was pregnant all they said was " No wenches ".nice comment !!!Oh ,i did get a card when she was born .My parents live in England i live & work in Germany.Would loved to have returned home but without their support it was not possible .Turned out for the better.My mother developed Morbus Alzheimer at a very young age .Im also a nurse.As i was struggling raising this child across the British Channel could not help.She died in a home 2002.My father is now alone ,just like your mother.my brother is wealthy but too busy making money and no kids .his wife is arrogant & bitter.She also has a carreer.They looked down upon me at the time .No contact. Now the shoe is on the other foot.Hes old and frail and lonely .Mrs. Cigar.im a very compassionate Nurse but do you think i care a sh+++it about their money or their welfare.NO!!!!!!They are getting what they deserve.The people around me are genuine & thank them ,not my family i survived.If they need my help ill be there in a minute.FAMILY -what family?.My brother now wants contact with his only Niece and so does my father.Like your kids,she doesnt care either.My friends are her family. Please dont have a bad conscious .some people im sure will try and ridicule you and maybbe what i say.They never lived it....take care,Lydiaxxxx
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9/20/2007 5:56 am |
Dear Mrs Cigars,LOL.I was born on the other side of the Atlantic but the story your telling could have been mine. As a kid i was not wanted because i was born the wrong sex.Wasnt a day in my life i didnt feel it.Unfortunately i had a brother-the idol.My brother married and is financially successful.However,no kids.My life was caotic but i have a beautiful 20year old daughter who is a lovely person and just finished Nursing school.Raising her as a single mother was hell.My parents did not even give me a pair of wooley socks for her.when i was pregnant all they said was " No wenches ".nice comment !!!Oh ,i did get a card when she was born .My parents live in England i live & work in Germany.Would loved to have returned home but without their support it was not possible .Turned out for the better.My mother developed Morbus Alzheimer at a very young age .Im also a nurse.As i was struggling raising this child across the British Channel could not help.She died in a home 2002.My father is now alone ,just like your mother.my brother is wealthy but too busy making money and no kids .his wife is arrogant & bitter.She also has a carreer.They looked down upon me at the time .No contact. Now the shoe is on the other foot.Hes old and frail and lonely .Mrs. Cigar.im a very compassionate Nurse but do you think i care a sh+++it about their money or their welfare.NO!!!!!!They are getting what they deserve.The people around me are genuine & thank them ,not my family i survived.If they need my help ill be there in a minute.FAMILY -what family?.My brother now wants contact with his only Niece and so does my father.Like your kids,she doesnt care either.My friends are her family. Please dont have a bad conscious .some people im sure will try and ridicule you and maybbe what i say.They never lived it....take care,Lydiaxxxx
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