Reset Password
Reset Link Sent
| Blogs > MunchkinMatron2 > Not Necessarily The News |
|
The Parent Trap Or, the things I know now about parenthood that I didn't know back then when Gerber sold me on the idea that having a cute, chubby bundle of joy cooing at you while you spooned him some pureed peas was the ultimate experience in parental bliss. The dang ad never told me I'd get pureed peas in my hair. The dang ad never told me I'd be making airplane and choo-choo noises till my lips cracked and STILL the baby would stubbornly refuse to open his mouth. The dang ad never told me that cute, chubby bundle of joy was going to grow up and start DEBATING with me over what he felt was a fair penalty over yet another infraction. And here I am sitting in dread still waiting for puberty to hit. I ought to sue Gerber for false advertisement. Don't get me wrong, I ADORE my boys, and I wouldn't want to exchange this experience for anything in the world. It's just that nobody ever told me parenting was going to be this involved and this hard and oh-my-God-I-can't-believe-I'm-beginning-to-sound-like-my-mother!!!! Actually, my mother's constant refrain while all six of us were growing up was, “One of these days you'll have and it'll be payback time.” And she said it with such unadulterated glee, too, that you almost expected her to rub her hands together and cackle. Understanding metaphysics is probably a snap compared to trying to shush a tantrumy hellbent on counting the wine bottles in a floor to ceiling rack in a posh restaurant (parental guilt, if you must know, that made us bring the little *cough* sweetheart along) and is now in full-bore, earsplitting wail just because you sweetly told him while gently holding him back, “No, darling, you can't climb up the lower bottles to count the top bottles.” So here I am, going on 11 years as a parent, and I still don't quite know if I'm doing the right thing. But I do know now is that when you're a parent, schedules fly out the window, and you find out that: 1.) They will always tell you they need something at the last minute-- Dinner done, it's 8:45 PM, eldest smacking his lips while spooning the last bits of his ice cream. Me feeling relaxed that another day without disaster happening/things breaking/brawl ensuing has passed, when, in my languid state of maternal self-congratulation, eldest suddenly looks up and says, “Did I tell you we need a laboratory grade beaker for our Science experiment tomorrow and that I was appointed by my group to bring it? Otherwise the whole group gets zero.” *banshee wail by yours truly while hubby bounds out the door to try to get to the mall before it closes in 15 minutes* 2.) They will be needing to get in at the exact time you're doing business in the bathroom-- Youngest: Mommy??? Me (head full of shampoo suds): WHAAAAT??? Youngest: Can I come in? Me: NO! Youngest: Pleaaaaaseeee? Me: WHY??? Youngest: Because I have to poop NOW and there are other people in the other bathrooms! 3.)There's NO such thing as privacy-- Youngest, barging into the bathroom which I somehow forgot to lock, points and laughs at screeching me fumbling for a towel while going, “Hahahahahahahaaaaaaaa!! Mommy's NAKED!!!” 4.)You should probably get plastic furniture till they're of legal age-- Eldest: Moooooom!!! Come see what Andrew did to the Chinese chair! Me, looking at the wooden backrest of the chair now carved with an island scene, complete with sun, clouds, and coconut trees: ANDREW!!! Youngest: Sorry, Mommy. Me, spying a smaller carving at the lower portion of the wooden backrest: And what is THIS??? Youngest: It's a delivery truck. Me: A delivery truck???? Youngest: Why yes, Mommy–to bring supplies to the island, you know? 5.)Diplomacy is overrated, but bribery always works-- Youngest, in a crowded bookstore: BUT I WANTED THE STRAWBERRY LOLLIPOP, WAAAAAAAAAA!!! Eldest: Neener, neener, I got it first!! Youngest: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Me to Eldest: Now come on, be a good big brother and give it to him. You know how to be a good big brother, right? Eldest, quickly ripping open lollipop, gives it a good hearty suck and then hands it to his brother: Here you go! Youngest: He already licked it, WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Me to youngest, in furious whisper: If you stop crying now Mommy will get you new strawberry lollipops tomorrow and I'll let you read your new comic book tonight. Lo and behold, the 's tears dry up like a turned-off tap. And I'm still thinking, I wuz had. I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho instead of Oh God in the throes of passion. |
|||
3/16/2009 1:59 pm |
hehehehe...boy o Boy...Tell me all bout it..I only have one and I feel like I have twenty at times.. My son fellows me every where in the rooms at times.When I sit on the loo he comes too "Mami what are you doing" Me,"having a pop".. He then laughs and says "Mami having a pee pee".. Me,No, mami is having a poo poo..  Or the other day he calls me to the toilet after he had finished his Poo poo.. Looking in the toilet us both,he asked,"Mami what is that"? Me,"sweetie what is that"? He then replies.."That is potatoes, carrots, meat, bread,apples.All the foods he eat that day was now in the loo  I caught him one day when he was a wee toddler putting on my lipstick.. I asked my best GF then..Should I be worried for the future  She laughed at me and said,"no Jen,he do what he sees you do..  He loved playing with the stove,so one day while I hanged up the wash,in doors,I took that one eye off him and he had crawled into the kitchen and turned it on..Thanks God we don't have gas stoves,he just loved playing with the nubs and mommy had a small burn when she placed her hands on the stove platform telling him off  Foods..ah-uh ah-uh  can't get him to eat a meal without having an excuse coming from him..MAAMII,please can I go to the WC.Or MAAMII,I have pain,here on my stomach,not hungry..Or MAAMII,please can I watch  ..The list goes on an on.. Ohh and I could tell you many more stories,but this is the last for today..He hates the word SLEEP...From the day he was born till now it is a war fights to get him to bed at nights..He wants water,needs to pee,his feets hurts,I must sing the car song  ..I must make up every days new adventures and tell stories to get him in bed and he wins always..I fall asleep first.. It is the truth in man that sets him free.. 
| ||
|
good morning, will comment later..in a hurry lang pow..!! farahdise 
| ||
|
The truth ... ... is ...  ... if we knew then what we know now, there would be a lot fewer of us on the planet. Oh yeah ... and if my kids are reading this: I still love you too. 
| ||
3/16/2009 7:50 pm |
Oh boy! same thing with my kid. Just yesterday: My son: Mommy, are you going to take your bath now? Me: Yes. My son: Mommy, are you going to take your bath now? Me: Yes, I said Im going to take my bath now. My son: Mommy, are you going to take your bath now? Me: How many times do I need to answer that! I said yes, Im going to take my bath now. My son: I don't like your answer, because I want to use the bathroom first. I want you to said no, you're not going to take your bath yet.   
| ||
3/16/2009 11:29 pm |
My big boy says the same thing about parents. Dad, he says, its fecking hard work being your son, allways got to take you to the pub, pick you up in the middle of the night, take this bird home that you pulled, put up with you running on about how much you are in luv. Then you expect me to buy a jacket for the wedding, that never is Then he says he loves me and it makes it all worth it!
| ||
|
MM, you sound like a good mother. I'm now an orphan. Would you like to adopt me?  
| ||
|
hehehehe...boy o Boy...Tell me all bout it..I only have one and I feel like I have twenty at times.. My son fellows me every where in the rooms at times.When I sit on the loo he comes too "Mami what are you doing" Me,"having a pop".. He then laughs and says "Mami having a pee pee".. Me,No, mami is having a poo poo.. Or the other day he calls me to the toilet after he had finished his Poo poo.. Looking in the toilet us both,he asked,"Mami what is that"? Me,"sweetie what is that"? He then replies.."That is potatoes, carrots, meat, bread,apples.All the foods he eat that day was now in the loo I caught him one day when he was a wee toddler putting on my lipstick.. I asked my best GF then..Should I be worried for the future She laughed at me and said,"no Jen,he do what he sees you do.. He loved playing with the stove,so one day while I hanged up the wash,in doors,I took that one eye off him and he had crawled into the kitchen and turned it on..Thanks God we don't have gas stoves,he just loved playing with the nubs and mommy had a small burn when she placed her hands on the stove platform telling him off Foods..ah-uh ah-uh can't get him to eat a meal without having an excuse coming from him..MAAMII,please can I go to the WC.Or MAAMII,I have pain,here on my stomach,not hungry..Or MAAMII,please can I watch ..The list goes on an on..Ohh and I could tell you many more stories,but this is the last for today..He hates the word SLEEP...From the day he was born till now it is a war fights to get him to bed at nights..He wants water,needs to pee,his feets hurts,I must sing the car song ..I must make up every days new adventures and tell stories to get him in bed and he wins always..I fall asleep first..Lord, the I-need-water-I-need-to-pee-I-am-hungry-I-am-tired-I-need-to-poo are all excuses that come out very conveniently when we start doing his homework. I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
| ||
|
My sister always told me to prepare for two things when boys get to their teenage years: 1) They'll reply in nothing but grunts; annnnnnnnnnnnnnd-- 2) They'll eat you out of house and home. I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
| ||
|
good morning, will comment later..in a hurry lang pow..!! I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
| ||
|
Pilgrim Dan, uh, define "better and better?" Why do I have a feeling I'd better brace myself? Big hugs to you, have a great week too! I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
| ||
|
Ana, since you're a good person and all, I'm gonna help you out here. BRIAN'S GUIDE TO PARENTING. 1. Hit them. 2. Threaten to hit them again. 3. Hit them again. 4. Go back to bed. They might grow up hating you, ok? But at least they growed up, and some of us will get some sleep and some privacy round here. Oh, one more rule. 5. Stop being friends with anybody who might call the welfare on you. You're welcome. ~ B. And, ha, Mr. Devoted "I'm-preparing-a-four-course-meal-for-my-daughter" Dad that you are, I bet you don't follow your own snarky, tongue-in-cheek advise. We're on to you, you big softie. I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
| ||
|
The truth ... ... is ... ... if we knew then what we know now, there would be a lot fewer of us on the planet. Oh yeah ... and if my kids are reading this: I still love you too. *waves to FDA's kids, if they're reading this* (Listening to Apocalyptica's Apprehension right now, and remembering you like them, too) I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
| ||
|
Oh boy! same thing with my kid. Just yesterday: My son: Mommy, are you going to take your bath now? Me: Yes. My son: Mommy, are you going to take your bath now? Me: Yes, I said Im going to take my bath now. My son: Mommy, are you going to take your bath now? Me: How many times do I need to answer that! I said yes, Im going to take my bath now. My son: I don't like your answer, because I want to use the bathroom first. I want you to said no, you're not going to take your bath yet. They're sneaky, I tell you. (But I try to be sneakier[/]) I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
| ||
|
One argument against starting a family late is that by the time your kids hit puberty, you'd be hitting menopause. I actually started late myself, having my first kid at 30. And now, at almost 41 (aaaaaaaaaaaaiiieeeeeeeeeeee!!!) am grateful to have put all the diapering years behind me. But you're right, they do grow up sooooo fast. Sigh. Hugs back, Jules!!! I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
| ||
|
My big boy says the same thing about parents. Dad, he says, its fecking hard work being your son, allways got to take you to the pub, pick you up in the middle of the night, take this bird home that you pulled, put up with you running on about how much you are in luv. Then you expect me to buy a jacket for the wedding, that never is Then he says he loves me and it makes it all worth it! Oh, joy!!! I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
| ||
|
MM, you sound like a good mother. I'm now an orphan. Would you like to adopt me? I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
| ||
|
Us poor parents, I tell you. Nobody warned us. I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
| ||
|
*hands beta a mass reproduced copy of the rules* I've already had them re-copied ready for distribution. I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
| ||
|
MM, yep, I'm potty-trained. I have a graduation certificate somewhere. It's written in Irish but you know you can trust me to translate it accurately for you!  I love your scribing; I don't know how you find the time but please keep it up. 
| ||
|
Hey, Mac--have a great weekend, too! I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
| ||
|
Somebody actually approached me already when my youngest was barely 3, if I wanted to have him try out as a model. Soooooo tempting, but in the end, I declined. But if he wants to try out again when he's old enough to decide for himself, heck, I'm going to ask for his first paycheck. I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
| ||
|
MM, yep, I'm potty-trained. I have a graduation certificate somewhere. It's written in Irish but you know you can trust me to translate it accurately for you! I love your scribing; I don't know how you find the time but please keep it up. Aw, ta for the compliment. Most of it's just drivel and blarney and tripe (which I eat lots of, too--must be why I talk a load of it), and I'm just tickled people would want to read it. I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
| ||
|
Ana, want some Gerber again? just teasin gurl miss yah  hats off to you wonder mom  (wink)Wonder Mom is right--I wonder most of the time about what the heck I'm doing! I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
| ||
|
Awww Sing, hugs back! I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
| ||
|
hah! reading all these.. i think being a spinster has its own advantage! thanks for the heads-up Tita A "never view anyone as a priority that views you as an option!”[ 
|
×
×