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Tales From The Drunk Side OK, I'm a teetotaler who's allergic to alcohol, so I've always been the designated driver at every party. Not that I mind it, since it got me front seat to all the shenanigans friends and total strangers did whenever they got soused. Among my favorites would have to be these: Drunk Tale Number One Freshman law party, where a good friend of mine has been having one tequila too many, and is talking to a guy she found cute, even though he had thinning hair. Friend: Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, thish tequila'sh gooooooooood. Guy: Yeah, want some more? Friend: Nooooooooooooooo, and you know, I really think you're cute. Guy: (preening) Really?? Tell me more. Friend: You'd be cuter if you had more hair, haahaahaahaahaaaaaaaaa. The next day, now Sober Friend and Thinning Hair Guy avoid each other in the school premises as much as they can. Drunk Tale Number Two Same Freshman law school party, and this guy, another freshman from the other section, approaches me and a group of friends with a rum and coke. I declined and told him I don't drink. He proceeds to hit on me. Drunk Guy: You rrreaaally look shexy in that shkirt. Me: Um, thanks. Drunk Guy: I'd rrrreally looove to take you to bed. Me and friends: (Dead silence) Drunk Guy: Shhheeeeet, I'm drunk and telling you what'sh in my head, aren't I? Me and friends: (nod nod nod) The next day, now Sober Guy and I avoid each other in the school premises as much as we can. Drunk Tale Number Three Two guy friends are hauling a good girl friend of mine (knocked out by too much vodka) up to the condo of another girl friend of mine (already soused) while I tried to make sure she didn't fall down in a heap. Guy Friend No. 1: (Through gritted teeth) Can you please hurry up with the key to your condo, Aileen??? This friend of yours isn't exactly light you know. Guy Friend No. 2: My back's about to pop, f*** it. She freakin' weighs a ton, I'm not kidding. Aileen, the Soused Girl: (Rummaging through her purse for her keys) Aha!!! Me: Is it the key? Let me have it. Aileen: No, no--thish, is my COMPACT!!! (Holds up the compact) Me: Aileen, let me have the purse. Aileen: No, no!!!! Look, look!!! Thish is my LIPSHTICK!! (Guy friends groaning as knocked out girlfriend starts sliding down from their grasp) Me: Aileeeeeeen!!! Give me THAT purse!!! (I make a grab for it but she clings and starts rifling through it again) Aileen: THISH!!! THISH!!! Guys: The key?? Aileen: Noooo, thish is my ROSHARY!!! Let'sh pray! (I finally wrestle the purse out of Aileen's grasp and rummage for the keys, but it took another ten minutes to finally find it amongst all the keys in her key ring) Drunk Tale Number Four At Euphoria, a well-known club back in the 90s--where I'm with my friends, J, her sister L, and about 4 other guys. J has been knocking back Long Island Iced Teas while we were still in Mars, another club. J: Uh oh, there are stairs going down. Me: I'll help you down, just grab the rail. J: Don't need your help, girl!!! I can do this!!! (Then she sits down on a step, and starts shimmying down on her butt a step at a time while giggling, until she gets to the bottom) J: (standing up) Ta-daaaaaaa!!! See?? Me: Damn, I REALLY wish I'd brought a camera. Ah, the good ole days. How about you guys? Let's hear a drunk tale or two, and maybe have a beer while you're at it.  I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho instead of Oh God in the throes of passion. |
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1/15/2009 2:23 am |
Those good old days MMMMMMM I remember falling down the stairs on my 21st at the night club I worked in then and it didn't hurt at all A loving atmosphere in your home is the foundation for your life.
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1/15/2009 4:40 am |
This reminds me of the dialogue between two drunkards I once heard from a crosstalk story. It goes as follows: Drunkard A: You are obviously incapable of drinking. Two more cups of liquor and you will get drunk. I’m good at liquors. One more bottle won’t lead to a flush of my face. Drunkard B: Who would believe that you haven’t got drunk so far? You…you are already speaking with a thick tongue. Drunkard A: Nonesense. I am still quite level-headed. Let me prove that to you. (He produced a flashlight out of his pocket, laid it on the table and switched it on, which sent out a slanting beam of light upward into the dark ceiling. ) Well, do you dare to climb up this pillar, if you are also clear enough now? Drunkard B: Sure I dare. But don’t try to fool me like that. I know what tricks are on your mind. You intend to make me climb that pillar. Then when I was on my way to the top of it, you would suddenly switch off the light and make me fall over from it. Hey, I am not an idiot! 
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One night I had a few too many... like 8 too many probably, but who is counting? Anyway, it was Goldshlaugger (a cinnamon liquor) and I thought it tasted soooo good. Remember the part in the Princess Bride where Inigo is half-schlepping Westly to the castle gate? Apparently that is how my best friend J looked while toting my 'mostly dead' body back to the dorm room. Two days later I walked into the mall and all the Christmas decorations were lovely, sure, but the scented wreaths decorated with pine and cinnamon sticks created an oh-so-familiar smell that had me puking in the potted palm right in the middle of the mall. To this day I can't chew cinnamon gum or smell spiced pies. But man. It was worth it. Cheers! 
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1/15/2009 10:10 am |
I think you've already heard the best of my drunk tales. DDM
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I can't remember if it was you or her who peed on the....nevamind. Stool now has an altar of its own and is given rightful obeisance and genuflection every day. It's begun to acquire a degree of self importance. I don't think it'll ever want to go back to you now. Luvs ya and misses ya SOOOOO much!!! (And how is meanie Nat? Heehee---oh gawd, she'll smother me with her F cups, but hey, what a way to go, right?) I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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Those good old days MMMMMMM I remember falling down the stairs on my 21st at the night club I worked in then and it didn't hurt at allWow, how much did you get to drink to get THAT numb?? I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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This reminds me of the dialogue between two drunkards I once heard from a crosstalk story. It goes as follows: Drunkard A: You are obviously incapable of drinking. Two more cups of liquor and you will get drunk. I’m good at liquors. One more bottle won’t lead to a flush of my face. Drunkard B: Who would believe that you haven’t got drunk so far? You…you are already speaking with a thick tongue. Drunkard A: Nonesense. I am still quite level-headed. Let me prove that to you. (He produced a flashlight out of his pocket, laid it on the table and switched it on, which sent out a slanting beam of light upward into the dark ceiling. ) Well, do you dare to climb up this pillar, if you are also clear enough now? Drunkard B: Sure I dare. But don’t try to fool me like that. I know what tricks are on your mind. You intend to make me climb that pillar. Then when I was on my way to the top of it, you would suddenly switch off the light and make me fall over from it. Hey, I am not an idiot!  I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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You're baaaaaaaaaaack!!! Yay!!!!! Hugs tight, will hie off to your blog later! I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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Yes, it is. But sometimes when people start doing things out of moderation, hooooo boy, the fun can REALLY start. Thanks for dropping by and reading me.  I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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One night I had a few too many... like 8 too many probably, but who is counting? Anyway, it was Goldshlaugger (a cinnamon liquor) and I thought it tasted soooo good. Remember the part in the Princess Bride where Inigo is half-schlepping Westly to the castle gate? Apparently that is how my best friend J looked while toting my 'mostly dead' body back to the dorm room. Two days later I walked into the mall and all the Christmas decorations were lovely, sure, but the scented wreaths decorated with pine and cinnamon sticks created an oh-so-familiar smell that had me puking in the potted palm right in the middle of the mall. To this day I can't chew cinnamon gum or smell spiced pies. But man. It was worth it. Now I keep thinking of you with feet dragging in that mostly dead pose. *still snickering* I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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Hey, I want at least ONE drunk tale from you!!! Come on, fess up! I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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I think you've already heard the best of my drunk tales. DDM Wait, were you buzzed when you had that shiny purple shirt on? I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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You ever considered the notion that you might not be allergic to alcohol--you're allergic to hangovers? I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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1/16/2009 12:52 am |
I had one too many of the tequila and went home really drunk. I was speeding at about 2am along Fort Bonifacio and it was too dark, fronting Heritage Park. Since I know the road by heart as it is my usual way in going work daily to and fro, I would missed the humps and potholes even my eyes closed, so to speak. I didnt know that a water company dumped a mountain of gravel along the road to cement the holes they did the previous days. I did a stunt like Evel Knievel when the car I was driving plunged on top of that huge pile of gravel,the car high up on the air and I landed on the other side of the road after I was shakened like a rag doll inside the car. bumping my whole body to all its corners and bleeding in my broken lips that banged into the steering wheel.My car was in a total wrecked and a patrol car stopped and shocked to see me still alive,cursing the gravel.  I was on a sick leave for three months since I can barely walk after that accident. I stopped drinking tequila .few bottles of beer is enough.lol!  
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1/16/2009 3:01 am |
Ahh the good old memo's..I have a lots of them days..Let me see where to start..hehehe One night I am invited to this student party..It was right in the begging when I got to know my ex friend who is getting' married in June .The night is beautiful,it's full moon and the party is out doors,the foods is plenty...Some of the boys are doin all this mix drinks and I try them..Well not long I found my self out on a bench,my heard spinning like crazy, vomited every thing out.Some one went to find my ex bf and I looked up at him with doggy eyes and said please take me home I don't feel well..heheh..On the way home we had to walk through this small forest and I stopped a few time to empty my stomach..Then I'm thinking,hallucinations take over, OMG he is going to then kill me and no one will know...I started to cry and the poor guys hold me in his arms,give me a passionate kiss and told me I love you jen,you look so sweet when you are drunk  ...LOLAnother time I went out with friends for a weekend trip in Bremen,Germany..A friend of ours was having birthday..We arrived in the morn deported our bags at the apartment and went out to shop for the party that eve..In the old market square was a fest going on..Lovely day it was but cold so I did not refused when I had a traditional drink called ""gluwine"made with red wine,hot with fruits..Well two of those had me feeling warm the third I was happy the fourth I wanted to hug the world..A friend of my friend suggested to show me the lil town while the rest go home to prepare for later..We are walking among the small cobbler stones town when I saw a group of punks boys walking ahead carrin' a box of beers...I walk up to them grab one out of fun and said thank you with this big smile on my face.I noticed the guy I was with went white in the face..The group of boys looked at me, all with sort of opened mouth..I am thinkin'..oh oh they have never seen a blacky before..hehehe..I gave back the beer,taped one of the guys on the shoulder,wished them a nice day and waved a goodbye and the guy I am with pulled me as quickly as he could into a Nealson Pub...Pantin' like we have been on a marathon..He said,' did you know what you just did,these guys are skin head ,they hate black people..They could have beaten you and me up..Don't you ever do that again. ..That was my first encounter with skin heads..Another time back in the carribic I got invited for a sailing trip for the day..I had very lil breakfast that morn and so when we were half way out sailing a did not refused the beers that was bein' passed around..It did not take long..The head spin,tummy felt bad and down into the cabin I was to the loo...Well I vomited everything I eat the day before,that morn and just a bout my stomach intestines...The embracing thing about it all is,I like the blue-eyes,long blond hair guy and he had to witness all that..As for the toilet,it was blocked and stunk so bad of vomit..yurk!!!  Another time we are up in the mountains..A weekend trip of fun and ski...That eve we all sat at the round table in the kitchen eating fondue..A meal of melted cheese in a pot and stuck bread..Wine is flowing like crazy..After dinner we play games until some one suggested a fart competitions..Well we are all tipsy and the game is like a merrygoround the person next to you should fart and the next and the next..The game is going well and the farts are coming out...hehehe The wine is flowing..We are all drunk at the table laughin' away at each others fart when it comes to my third or fifth round it took a while for this fart to come out...pops pops ahh..and then I wet the cushion..The wee wee came out  ..We all burst out in fits of laughter,the game was over I won..I was the fart Queen...heheheBoy oh deary,you sure got me thinkin' back in those days..I would love to share more but I most be off.. Goin' walking with friends for the day,maybe a boat trip on the lake.. Have fun and stay off the booze cause you never know what you might end up doin'  ...It is the truth in man that sets him free.. 
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I had one too many of the tequila and went home really drunk. I was speeding at about 2am along Fort Bonifacio and it was too dark, fronting Heritage Park. Since I know the road by heart as it is my usual way in going work daily to and fro, I would missed the humps and potholes even my eyes closed, so to speak. I didnt know that a water company dumped a mountain of gravel along the road to cement the holes they did the previous days. I did a stunt like Evel Knievel when the car I was driving plunged on top of that huge pile of gravel,the car high up on the air and I landed on the other side of the road after I was shakened like a rag doll inside the car. bumping my whole body to all its corners and bleeding in my broken lips that banged into the steering wheel.My car was in a total wrecked and a patrol car stopped and shocked to see me still alive,cursing the gravel. I was on a sick leave for three months since I can barely walk after that accident. I stopped drinking tequila .few bottles of beer is enough.lol! Paul had an accident in August (considered by the Chinese as the unluckiest month of the year) the year we were getting married. A bus sideswiped his vehicle--which was a mini-SUV (so it had a high center of gravity)--at the Cubao-EDSA underpass, so when he swerved violently to the left, he hit the center island, tipped the car over to the other lane, landed the front of the car upside down on the trunk of an oncoming sedan, and then got hit by a truck. Amazingly, despite not having his seatbelt on, he came out of it relatively unscathed, only sustaining injuries on his knees from the broken glass when he crawled out because he was in shorts. The guy driving the sedan thought Paul was already dead, so when he saw Paul picking up his stuff that was scattered all over the road, he actually thought Paul was a looter! And it happened to Paul stone cold sober. Someone was really watching out for him that day. Like someone was watching out for you, too. I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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Ahh the good old memo's..I have a lots of them days..Let me see where to start..hehehe One night I am invited to this student party..It was right in the begging when I got to know my ex friend who is getting' married in June .The night is beautiful,it's full moon and the party is out doors,the foods is plenty...Some of the boys are doin all this mix drinks and I try them..Well not long I found my self out on a bench,my heard spinning like crazy, vomited every thing out.Some one went to find my ex bf and I looked up at him with doggy eyes and said please take me home I don't feel well..heheh..On the way home we had to walk through this small forest and I stopped a few time to empty my stomach..Then I'm thinking,hallucinations take over, OMG he is going to then kill me and no one will know...I started to cry and the poor guys hold me in his arms,give me a passionate kiss and told me I love you jen,you look so sweet when you are drunk ...LOLAnother time I went out with friends for a weekend trip in Bremen,Germany..A friend of ours was having birthday..We arrived in the morn deported our bags at the apartment and went out to shop for the party that eve..In the old market square was a fest going on..Lovely day it was but cold so I did not refused when I had a traditional drink called ""gluwine"made with red wine,hot with fruits..Well two of those had me feeling warm the third I was happy the fourth I wanted to hug the world..A friend of my friend suggested to show me the lil town while the rest go home to prepare for later..We are walking among the small cobbler stones town when I saw a group of punks boys walking ahead carrin' a box of beers...I walk up to them grab one out of fun and said thank you with this big smile on my face.I noticed the guy I was with went white in the face..The group of boys looked at me, all with sort of opened mouth..I am thinkin'..oh oh they have never seen a blacky before..hehehe..I gave back the beer,taped one of the guys on the shoulder,wished them a nice day and waved a goodbye and the guy I am with pulled me as quickly as he could into a Nealson Pub...Pantin' like we have been on a marathon..He said,' did you know what you just did,these guys are skin head ,they hate black people..They could have beaten you and me up..Don't you ever do that again. ..That was my first encounter with skin heads..Another time back in the carribic I got invited for a sailing trip for the day..I had very lil breakfast that morn and so when we were half way out sailing a did not refused the beers that was bein' passed around..It did not take long..The head spin,tummy felt bad and down into the cabin I was to the loo...Well I vomited everything I eat the day before,that morn and just a bout my stomach intestines...The embracing thing about it all is,I like the blue-eyes,long blond hair guy and he had to witness all that..As for the toilet,it was blocked and stunk so bad of vomit..yurk!!! Another time we are up in the mountains..A weekend trip of fun and ski...That eve we all sat at the round table in the kitchen eating fondue..A meal of melted cheese in a pot and stuck bread..Wine is flowing like crazy..After dinner we play games until some one suggested a fart competitions..Well we are all tipsy and the game is like a merrygoround the person next to you should fart and the next and the next..The game is going well and the farts are coming out...hehehe The wine is flowing..We are all drunk at the table laughin' away at each others fart when it comes to my third or fifth round it took a while for this fart to come out...pops pops ahh..and then I wet the cushion..The wee wee came out ..We all burst out in fits of laughter,the game was over I won..I was the fart Queen...heheheBoy oh deary,you sure got me thinkin' back in those days..I would love to share more but I most be off.. Goin' walking with friends for the day,maybe a boat trip on the lake.. Have fun and stay off the booze cause you never know what you might end up doin' ...Fart Queen!!!! Gawd, if our trip to Europe in a couple of years pushes through, you and I will REALLY have to meet--I bet it'll be an all night laughfest between us two!I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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1/16/2009 1:40 pm |
Ha! Not yet!!! So you're gonna have to fess up, too. Wait, were you buzzed when you had that shiny purple shirt on?  DDM
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1/17/2009 4:48 am |
OMG Jen, I'm at turns cracking up and dropping my jaw (especially reading about the skinheads encounter) reading all this, LOL!!! Fart Queen!!!! Gawd, if our trip to Europe in a couple of years pushes through, you and I will REALLY have to meet--I bet it'll be an all night laughfest between us two!Now you won't want me to relive this Fart Queen thingy right? cause these days when I do the wee is not far behind...hehehe It would be a pleasure to meet you   I'd be happy to tell you lot's more of my drunkard days.. It is the truth in man that sets him free..
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Yeah, he was really cute, wasn't he? But this time around, IF we do go out for a drink and he gets soused and hits on me again, I am SO going to thwap him. Which I should've done back then, come to think of it. I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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You and my good girl friend who told THAT Thinning Hair Guy he'd be cuter with more hair. So wait, if a gal looks like Cousin Itt, you'd find her cuter? I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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Ummm...no...I was quite sober (quit the hard stuff years ago)...and it's not shiny...just purple. DDM Come onnnnnn. I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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Aw come on, Pilgrim Dan. Just one story? Pwetty pwease with a chewwy on top? I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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OH deary.. Now you won't want me to relive this Fart Queen thingy right? cause these days when I do the wee is not far behind...hehehe It would be a pleasure to meet you I'd be happy to tell you lot's more of my drunkard days.. I'm dyslexic. I scream Ho Dog instead of Oh God in the throes of passion.
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1/17/2009 1:00 pm |
OMG, Sherry!!!! Thank God you weren't hurt a lot worse!!! Paul had an accident in August (considered by the Chinese as the unluckiest month of the year) the year we were getting married. A bus sideswiped his vehicle--which was a mini-SUV (so it had a high center of gravity)--at the Cubao-EDSA underpass, so when he swerved violently to the left, he hit the center island, tipped the car over to the other lane, landed the front of the car upside down on the trunk of an oncoming sedan, and then got hit by a truck. Amazingly, despite not having his seatbelt on, he came out of it relatively unscathed, only sustaining injuries on his knees from the broken glass when he crawled out because he was in shorts. The guy driving the sedan thought Paul was already dead, so when he saw Paul picking up his stuff that was scattered all over the road, he actually thought Paul was a looter! And it happened to Paul stone cold sober. Someone was really watching out for him that day. Like someone was watching out for you, too.  ..I have other accidents too because of drunk driving So one time I just parked my car in a gasoline station when I can no longer control sleepiness due to being tipsy Luckily Im still alive today and dont drive anymore when I had alcohol intake..
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