 | Blogs > Kassam20 > weapons of Kass destruction > inspired by Ari's post |
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I wasn't gonna post this, but after reading Ari's post, I decided to pull up the letter of my own I wrote to my dad when he was still with us. Here goes...ahem... Dear Ahmad, I no longer call you father or dad, or baba in Arabic. I haven't for a while, for this, there are many reasons. When I needed your guidance, you were more interested in guiding a senseless jihadi operation rather than helping me along my path and eluminating my darkest hours. Even after the start of the war, when I was young, impressionable, and without comfort, still you did not come. You left me to face my fears, maybe not such a bad thing, but with no direction. I suffered at your own hands for years, as did the family. Mom lived in great fear of you, hense, the reason she never left. But you left. Or were you ever there? Did you ever really leave? You left the house, yes, but you left our lives when you first knew us. Was it me? Were things different before I was born? Did you mean to have me? Was my existance due to another one of your uncontroled impulses? How long were you a terrorist? Before I knew you? Before I was even here? Before I was even in your wildest imagination? Was there ever a time where you cared? Where you had a heart? Where you could feel? Did you ever know how? I have many questions that will never be answered. You come into my mind at night at times. I sometimes stay up and wait for you to change your mind. To come home. Maybe you are yearning to see me. Do I keep you up? Am I in your mind at night? Do you think of me and wonder where I am? If I'm in the same place you left me last? I'm still here. Still waiting for you to come back into my life, and somehow be different. I hold much resentment to you, but yet, I long for even one more moment, one more day, just to see if we hold any chance at all, to build something...anything...a relationship of some kind, at very least a friendship, so we can stop hating each other? Do you hate me? Words I wanna say to you flow into my mind like endless rivrs at night, but as I'm writing to you, my mind and heart are empty. We had very few positive and pleasant moments between us, so forgive and excuse my bitterness toward you. But the amount of time you were around me compared to the amount of time you have been away from us leaves me with little to remember. Some things will never change although we would love to see them differently. I love you, I hate you, I want u to come back to me, I never wanna see your face again, I want you to get what you have coming to you, I want to protectyou from all that is harmful, I want to give you what you never gave me all these years. So many mixed emotions, yet there are times I still want you back in my life. How do you see now? Have I became what you thought I would? Did you ever believe in me? Will you ever? These are things left for me to ponder should we never cross paths again. Kassam (original letter written in Arabic) Kass |
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6/15/2008 1:01 pm |
You know, Kass....I'm sure your father loved you in his way. Sometimes the hardest path to walk is the one in which we cannot see the reasons for how another person's walk in life...will touch ours. Realistically....who your father was helped to shape the man you are today. Celebrate that side of him....even if you can never move past anything that lies in the past. Feel the passion, walk in peace, live in love....Ari 
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6/15/2008 1:09 pm |
You know, Kass....I'm sure your father loved you in his way. Sometimes the hardest path to walk is the one in which we cannot see the reasons for how another person's walk in life...will touch ours. Realistically....who your father was helped to shape the man you are today. Celebrate that side of him....even if you can never move past anything that lies in the past. Kass
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